p. Zoua
sarNie Oldmaid
Hello everybody.
I'd just like to give everyone words of encouragement. It's pretty general and i'm sure most of us may already know this, but i'd like to share my experience with everyone.
In life, do whatever the eff you want and be whatever you want to be. Be who you want to be and not what someone else's vision of you would be. Go after your dreams or what you want, even if everyone you know thinks you're a fool, people despises you, or don't support you, even if it's your own family that don't support you.
If you only do what "they" want, then in the end, You're going to be unhappy and in regret thinking "why didn't I go after what I wanted to be?" You may place the blame on them but all they'll say is "we didn't make you choose. The blame is on you becuase YOU chose to." In life, it's not family nor money, nor anything else holding you back. It's only yourself. that's what I learned. You may come up with all the excuses all you want but still in the end the blame is on you.
I went to college for 3 years now and just got my associates in my career of directing. Yes, movie making. call me a fool but it's what I want to do and it's up my alley. And i'm not ashame to call myself a movie maker (well, a noobie anyways).
My mom passed away and none of the relatives would take me and my younger siblings in so my Oldest brother took us in. I felt grateful and yet in debt at the same time to him and his wife. Going through the 3rd year of college made me realize that I probably can no longer continued that career because it was too busy and had no time for my family, so I stepped down for my family's sake. I wanted to help out and give back to my oldest brother and the family because of what he did. someone was needed to stay home and watch my dad, so i volunteerily stepped down. My mom's death wasn't all a bad thing because it made me understand and had a closer relationship to my older brothers and I looked up more to my oldest brother. I was at the point of where I would never trade my family for anything in the world...then things changed. After i finished and just got my associates degree, then comes the clash of tradition.
Right now i've been pushed to the point where I regret taking the step I did. It's just been 3 months since i took the path, and here comes tradtion kicking in. My father dies, and we just buried him yesterday. we get lecture by our older uncles and siblings. They each had their say. Then comes to the part of lecturing girls.... things about cooking. Then my brother said that since it's only my younger sister and me left, he wants us to learn how to cook better so if we get marry it won't be embarssing for you as a daughter in law. Then he talks about me and my younger sister's cooking. he says when one is slicing meat it should be thinly sliced then here's the point where it dropped.....he compared our cooking. he said that he had seen it in my younger sister's cooking but not mines. Mines are thickly sliced. (hahaha I'm not ashame to admit, yea most of the time it is thick but hey, i'm learning and nobody never taught me cause my older sister ran off to marry and my mother went to casino all day so no one taught me but me). It made me realized that all that time of me being nice and cooking for the family, him and his kids for fear that they may starve out to death meant nothing. I know he means well, but as an oldest brother, he could've just pointed it out to me one to one; instead of saying it out loud like that in front of everyone and especially in front of our oldest uncle too. Everyone has their ego and I do too have mines. afterwards, I went outside to get oil from the garage, and my uncle's wife was out there cooking and she asked me "Do you know how to make fried rice?" and I said "Yea."(And I really do honest to god.) after what my oldest brother had said, seemed like she started to look down on me. she don't know me cause they are from Florida, but from the way my oldest brother said things...it just changed like that.
my older sister also lectures us younger sister too that for us too. throughout my dad's funeral, all i heard was praises from the relatives of the oldest daughter of the family and that my parents loved her the best out fo the daughters. I don't care, i'm use to the feeling. then as i was walking around, I heard some aunts gossiping right as i passed "Oh, the middle daughter (me), she's the one that doesn't talk much...." in their eyes, i'm the one that don't talk much. And I admit, i don't when I was younger. I just follow orders from whoever and do what they tell me to do whenever the relatives are over for a feast or something. And if they ask me a question i just answer with a simple yes or no. (but from volunteering at a place with elders, my speaking skills have improved, but they hadn't seen me in that yet because we've been cut off from the relatives a while due to my parent's problem of divorce). The great older sister...the one everyone always praises....everyone's favorite...always been a thorn to my side (but with that saying it doesn't mean i dont like her and don't help her out at all. I always help her whenever she is in need)...never has been supported of me since i decided to go into filming. Seems like whatever I do, she's always opposing. When she first heard of me going into filmmaking; she was trying to persuade me into changing my mind and finding a better job with more openings. I know she means no harm and just worry for me , but as a older sister, she could've just support me instead of trying to change my mind. One time we had a little discussion and she yelled at me "why can't you just go into something else? why does it have to be filming?" and i just told her "because I'm me." Then this one time for my filming class, i wanted to use one of her place that her and her husband had (they bought a house and was refixing it up), she turned me away. and yet, i still help her from time to time. Sad to say, when I'm in my downtimes, it's not my older sister who comes tell me that everything will be alright. It's one of my sister-in-law instead.
Right now i've made the decision that I'm going to follow my dreams and get back on track. My reasons to stay has faded and become lost so I no longer need to go that way anymore. I'm going to start by looking for a job and get myself a car, learn to drive so i won't have to rely on them anymore. I'd rather die trying then spend my whole life wondering what could have happeneed if I were to be there you know. I know it's going to be a bumpy ride and the roads won't be smoothe and it'll often be lonely, but life was never easy from the start.
I'm not running away from tradition nor am I scared. But i just know myself good enough to say that I am not "daughter-in-law" or daughter-material, but I can learn and I'm willing, but at this point, I've got better things to do. I will some day, but not just today XD when I stepped down, and thought of my family, i wasn't scared to be a "normal gal and get married off and have kids like most of all the other girls" but then now I'm also not afraid to be different. I'm not scared nor am I trying to prove my family wrong. (not saying all of my family is unsupportive, i have one or two that are.) I'm just trying to find my meaning in life and do what i think will make me be happy. It may sound selfish of me but it's the truth.
I know i can't thank my family enough...but no longer have to worry. My older sister even though she's married, her husband is a pretty lonely man too so they'll always help in any way they can, so I'm no longer needed. Sad to say, but whereever my happiness is, I won't find it here with my family. In life, I usually only see it as you either choose your loved ones or your career. I would also like to tell my family that I'm sorry I can't be the daughter or sister that they want me to be, but maybe in my next life...if there is really a next life I will come back and repay them.
I'm not a christian but I do believe there is a God up there and he has opened the door for me and have once again guided me to the path again. The path that I once took and roamed off away from...but now that I'm on that path again...I won't ever give up on it again...nomatter what it takes...i know i'll get there. I know that if i get there one day, it's not a thing where there will always be happiness around. I know that in life, you'll never be happy forever and there will be regrets, but choose your paths wisely and live it to the fullest. Maybe i'm on the right path, maybe I'm on the wrong path...who knows...but i'll let it take me wherever I go....
I know you younger generations (sorry I don't mean to offend anyone) may have heard this coming from older people all the time, but you won't know it till you experience it. Do what makes you feel meaningful or happy. Apologies too if any of this sounds really narrowminded. I am just entering the real world and may not know how to think well or say things in a proper manner so do apologize and feel free to give me some aspects.
we're all just really lonely people...who need each other out there in the world. I thank you for taking the time to read this long @$$ story of mines, but hope you got out something from it.
I'd just like to give everyone words of encouragement. It's pretty general and i'm sure most of us may already know this, but i'd like to share my experience with everyone.
In life, do whatever the eff you want and be whatever you want to be. Be who you want to be and not what someone else's vision of you would be. Go after your dreams or what you want, even if everyone you know thinks you're a fool, people despises you, or don't support you, even if it's your own family that don't support you.
If you only do what "they" want, then in the end, You're going to be unhappy and in regret thinking "why didn't I go after what I wanted to be?" You may place the blame on them but all they'll say is "we didn't make you choose. The blame is on you becuase YOU chose to." In life, it's not family nor money, nor anything else holding you back. It's only yourself. that's what I learned. You may come up with all the excuses all you want but still in the end the blame is on you.
I went to college for 3 years now and just got my associates in my career of directing. Yes, movie making. call me a fool but it's what I want to do and it's up my alley. And i'm not ashame to call myself a movie maker (well, a noobie anyways).
My mom passed away and none of the relatives would take me and my younger siblings in so my Oldest brother took us in. I felt grateful and yet in debt at the same time to him and his wife. Going through the 3rd year of college made me realize that I probably can no longer continued that career because it was too busy and had no time for my family, so I stepped down for my family's sake. I wanted to help out and give back to my oldest brother and the family because of what he did. someone was needed to stay home and watch my dad, so i volunteerily stepped down. My mom's death wasn't all a bad thing because it made me understand and had a closer relationship to my older brothers and I looked up more to my oldest brother. I was at the point of where I would never trade my family for anything in the world...then things changed. After i finished and just got my associates degree, then comes the clash of tradition.
Right now i've been pushed to the point where I regret taking the step I did. It's just been 3 months since i took the path, and here comes tradtion kicking in. My father dies, and we just buried him yesterday. we get lecture by our older uncles and siblings. They each had their say. Then comes to the part of lecturing girls.... things about cooking. Then my brother said that since it's only my younger sister and me left, he wants us to learn how to cook better so if we get marry it won't be embarssing for you as a daughter in law. Then he talks about me and my younger sister's cooking. he says when one is slicing meat it should be thinly sliced then here's the point where it dropped.....he compared our cooking. he said that he had seen it in my younger sister's cooking but not mines. Mines are thickly sliced. (hahaha I'm not ashame to admit, yea most of the time it is thick but hey, i'm learning and nobody never taught me cause my older sister ran off to marry and my mother went to casino all day so no one taught me but me). It made me realized that all that time of me being nice and cooking for the family, him and his kids for fear that they may starve out to death meant nothing. I know he means well, but as an oldest brother, he could've just pointed it out to me one to one; instead of saying it out loud like that in front of everyone and especially in front of our oldest uncle too. Everyone has their ego and I do too have mines. afterwards, I went outside to get oil from the garage, and my uncle's wife was out there cooking and she asked me "Do you know how to make fried rice?" and I said "Yea."(And I really do honest to god.) after what my oldest brother had said, seemed like she started to look down on me. she don't know me cause they are from Florida, but from the way my oldest brother said things...it just changed like that.
my older sister also lectures us younger sister too that for us too. throughout my dad's funeral, all i heard was praises from the relatives of the oldest daughter of the family and that my parents loved her the best out fo the daughters. I don't care, i'm use to the feeling. then as i was walking around, I heard some aunts gossiping right as i passed "Oh, the middle daughter (me), she's the one that doesn't talk much...." in their eyes, i'm the one that don't talk much. And I admit, i don't when I was younger. I just follow orders from whoever and do what they tell me to do whenever the relatives are over for a feast or something. And if they ask me a question i just answer with a simple yes or no. (but from volunteering at a place with elders, my speaking skills have improved, but they hadn't seen me in that yet because we've been cut off from the relatives a while due to my parent's problem of divorce). The great older sister...the one everyone always praises....everyone's favorite...always been a thorn to my side (but with that saying it doesn't mean i dont like her and don't help her out at all. I always help her whenever she is in need)...never has been supported of me since i decided to go into filming. Seems like whatever I do, she's always opposing. When she first heard of me going into filmmaking; she was trying to persuade me into changing my mind and finding a better job with more openings. I know she means no harm and just worry for me , but as a older sister, she could've just support me instead of trying to change my mind. One time we had a little discussion and she yelled at me "why can't you just go into something else? why does it have to be filming?" and i just told her "because I'm me." Then this one time for my filming class, i wanted to use one of her place that her and her husband had (they bought a house and was refixing it up), she turned me away. and yet, i still help her from time to time. Sad to say, when I'm in my downtimes, it's not my older sister who comes tell me that everything will be alright. It's one of my sister-in-law instead.
Right now i've made the decision that I'm going to follow my dreams and get back on track. My reasons to stay has faded and become lost so I no longer need to go that way anymore. I'm going to start by looking for a job and get myself a car, learn to drive so i won't have to rely on them anymore. I'd rather die trying then spend my whole life wondering what could have happeneed if I were to be there you know. I know it's going to be a bumpy ride and the roads won't be smoothe and it'll often be lonely, but life was never easy from the start.
I'm not running away from tradition nor am I scared. But i just know myself good enough to say that I am not "daughter-in-law" or daughter-material, but I can learn and I'm willing, but at this point, I've got better things to do. I will some day, but not just today XD when I stepped down, and thought of my family, i wasn't scared to be a "normal gal and get married off and have kids like most of all the other girls" but then now I'm also not afraid to be different. I'm not scared nor am I trying to prove my family wrong. (not saying all of my family is unsupportive, i have one or two that are.) I'm just trying to find my meaning in life and do what i think will make me be happy. It may sound selfish of me but it's the truth.
I know i can't thank my family enough...but no longer have to worry. My older sister even though she's married, her husband is a pretty lonely man too so they'll always help in any way they can, so I'm no longer needed. Sad to say, but whereever my happiness is, I won't find it here with my family. In life, I usually only see it as you either choose your loved ones or your career. I would also like to tell my family that I'm sorry I can't be the daughter or sister that they want me to be, but maybe in my next life...if there is really a next life I will come back and repay them.
I'm not a christian but I do believe there is a God up there and he has opened the door for me and have once again guided me to the path again. The path that I once took and roamed off away from...but now that I'm on that path again...I won't ever give up on it again...nomatter what it takes...i know i'll get there. I know that if i get there one day, it's not a thing where there will always be happiness around. I know that in life, you'll never be happy forever and there will be regrets, but choose your paths wisely and live it to the fullest. Maybe i'm on the right path, maybe I'm on the wrong path...who knows...but i'll let it take me wherever I go....
I know you younger generations (sorry I don't mean to offend anyone) may have heard this coming from older people all the time, but you won't know it till you experience it. Do what makes you feel meaningful or happy. Apologies too if any of this sounds really narrowminded. I am just entering the real world and may not know how to think well or say things in a proper manner so do apologize and feel free to give me some aspects.
we're all just really lonely people...who need each other out there in the world. I thank you for taking the time to read this long @$$ story of mines, but hope you got out something from it.
