A Very Heartwrenching DabNeeg

xxmiss_maixx

sarNie Adult
I stumbled about this story while Googling.
ALL CREDITS GOES TO NyobIbLeeg @ HmongBlog

A CHAPTER OF MY LIFE: KUV ZAB DABNEEG

My second ex girlfriend and I were on our way home. Then the phone rang, it's her father. He demand us to go back, because not matter what they will not let us get married. If "fi-xov" they wont even acknowledge it, and wont even open the door. Her father also demand my presence when I return her, "peb muaj lus yuav nrog koj tham." She cried so hard, and I did too. Holding each other's hand, talking about it for a while we decided to return. So I turned my car around on Highway 94, and head back to her town. Even though I am still young, raised among caucasian, majority of my friends are caucasian, I'm well train in Hmong custom by my father. Therefore I knew in advance, what I will be dealing with when I get to her house. When we got back to town, I make a stop at Kwik Trip and grabbed a 24-case of beer for the upcoming event.

When we arrived at her house, there's five or six cars parked on their drive way and along the street. I knew it's going to be serious. And yes, I was scared but I cannot just ran away from this, although I could if I choose to. What I have learn through life is that running away from your problem is not the solution. So we took deep breaths, kiss one another one last time before we got out of the car. I grabbed the case of beer with my right hand, and hold onto her with left hand.

Her younger sister open the door and said, "Neb mag li lawm os." We just smile and nod. We walked in. The living room is fill with some familiar faces, people that I've met during the course of your relationship--her uncles (txiv hlob, txiv ntxawm), aunts (niam hlob, niam ntxawm, thiab niamtais), cousin brothers and sisters, and off course her brother and sister. We were instructed to sit down by one of the uncle. Before I did I shook everyone's hand then sat across the coffee table directly in front of her father. I openned up the case of beers and hand each and everyone of them a beer. I told them, "haus dej tso, muaj dabtsi peb mam li tham." Before the proceeding, they ask me if I have any cousin nearby who I can call to be with me. I told them no, and even if I have it, I feel it's unnecessary for this matter. One of the uncle is the note taker, he took down all my information: Father's name, Mother's name, my name, age, location and phone number.

Most important parts of the discussion, in translation:

"Kou, what you two have intended to do, is prohibited. We will not allow this to happen, no matter what. Even if you got her to your house, we will come and take her back. Even if "fi-xov" we wont acknowledge it. It's nice of you to take her back." Her uncle said as an intro.

I told him, I want to married her the right way, have two families unite as one, benefit the insterests of both parties, and when her father command me to come back, that's why I did.

As the discussion is about to end, these words from her father will forever be with me until the day I died. Enable to fully express his word, English translation wont do the deed, so I'll write in Hmong. These are the saddest word someone has ever say to me, yet it benefits me so much in so many ways--making me a better man.

"Kub, ua ntej yuav xaus kuv hais ob peb lo lus rau koj tso. Txhob xav tias yog kuv ua txiv tsis nyiam koj, muaj cab muaj cuab nrog koj. Yuav xav ua koj tus yeebncuab, txhob txwm twmtsam koj. Nws tsis yog li ntawv. Koj ua tub txhob xav li mog. Peb yuav tsis hais tias koj tsis zoo phim Rose los sis nws tsis phim koj, neb yeej sib phim loj sib txig. Rose, neb txoj kev nkauj nraug ob xyoos no, nws yeej zoo kawg. Kuv ua txiv yeej paub tias neb sib hlub heev, koj yeej tso tsis taus nws tseg, nws yeej tso tsis taus koj tseg. Kuv ua txiv yeej pom tias koj txojsia zoo tam nws txoj, nws txoj zoo tam koj txoj. Kuv ua txiv yeej paub tias yog nws tau koj nws lub neej yeej yuav tsheej cuab, tsheej yig. Kuv yeej paub tias yog koj yuav tau nws, koj yuav hlub nws, tsis pub nws txom nyem, khaub hlab, raug kev tsim txom. Neb lub neej yeej yuav zoo xws li luag.

Peb cov kwvtij, txiv hlob, txiv ntxawm txhua tus yeej pom thiab qhuas tias txawm tias koj yog ib tug me nyuam tubhluas xwb los koj paub kev paub cai, hmoob kab-li-kev cai, hmoob kev daws plaub daws ntug, meskas kev cai lij choj, txoj kev pujphais tibsi yuav luag thoob, yam koj tsis paub koj yeej tsis xyeej kawm. Koj lub laj-lim-plab-plaw pab kwv pab tij, pab txheeb pab ze koj yeej tsis xyeej. Yog luag hu txog koj yeej tuaj pab. Kuv ua txiv yeej paub tias koj yeej txawj, koj yeej ntshe txaus hais txog kev cai, ua lag ua luam, kev kawm ntaub kawm ntawv, khwv noj khwv haus; koj lub siab dawb paug hlub tib neeg, hlub niam hlub txiv, hlub kwv hlub tij. Koj yeej kawm ntawv siab txaus, ntshe txaus. Koj lub siab yeej loj txaus, thiab koj lub siab yeej yog siab neeg siab ncajncees. Yog koj los ua ib tug vauv rau ib tsev neeg twg, luag yeej yuav muaj kev vam, thiab kev zoo siab.

Kuv ua txiv, kuv tsuas ntshaw ib tug tub los sis ib tug vauv zoo ib yam li koj. Tabsis, Kub yam uas kuv tusiab tshaj plaws tiam neej no yog yam uas kuv ntshaw tshaj plaws los tsis tau. Qhov ntawv yog koj los ua kuv ib tug tub los sis ib tug vauv. Peb tsis tib koj, koj yeej zoo txhua yam, tabsis qhov peb tsis kheev, txiav tu hlo ces yog koj lub xeem, uas yog xeem Hmoob Lis. Peb tsev neeg Hmoob Vaj nod, yeej tsis pub peb tej tub los sis tej ntxhais mus rau Hmoob Lis, tsis yog koj ib leeg xwb. Txawm kuv ua txiv kam los tshoob kos yeej mus tsis taus mog. Qhov zoo tshaj ces neb tso plhuav neb txoj kev nkaujnraug, es nyias mus nyias, mus nrhiav dua tus tshiab. Txawm neb sib hlub los neb yeej tsis sib tau os (At this point tears were coming out his eyes, I handed him some tissues for the tears. Believe it or not I have never seen him cry before, not until now, so I shed a couple tears)."

After he is done. I got up, asked for two cups and poured some beers into the two cups. I went over to her father, hand him one drink, and I took the other. I told him, "Txiv ua koj tsaug rau koj cov lus, kuv yuav khaws cia coj nrog kuv mus ua neej txog hnub kawg. Txawm ntuj dub, ntuj tsaus los kuv muab koj tej lus los ua kuv lub ntuj tshav. Txawm kuv tsis muaj zog, los koj tej lus mam li yog kuv tej tshuaj. Kuv ua tub mam li ua raws li koj ua txiv tej lus hais, kuv mam li ua ib siab maj mam txav taw deb zujzus mus. Txawm tiam no tsis tau ua koj ib leeg tub kiag, los kuv yuav khaws koj nraim cia tias koj yog kuv ib leej txiv thiab. Muaj qab muaj tsuag, kev ploj kev tuag, kev txhawjxeeb dabtsi, tsis vam txog kuv lawm los tseg, yog vam txog txhob ua siab deb. Hu kuv, kuv yuav pab raws li kuv lub hwjchim pab tau." Then I got down on my knee and pe him three times.

It's getting late, so they told me there's nothing more to discuss I'm free to go. Before I left, I got on knee, hold onto Rose's hand one last time and say outloud in front of everyone. My voice quivered, tremble and shaking, tears bursted out with no control.

"Rose, tiam no tsis yog wb hmoov, wb sibhlub los tsis sib tau, thov kom lwm tiam muaj tiag, es koj thiab kuv wb mam li rov los sib hlub dua, tiam ntawv thiab txhua txhua tiam tuaj ntxiv, wb yuav nqa daim ntawv los ua niamtxiv mog tus neeg kuv hlub. No matter what happens to me or you in this life time, please always remember that I will always and always will love you. Koj yeej yog tus kuv hlub tshaj plaws."


Before walking out the door, I shook everyone's hand, and got down on my knee again and kneel down (pe) two times for each and everyone of them.

"Thov nej ua pov thawj tseg cia rau Rose wb txoj kev hlub tiam no, uas tsis sibtau. Kuv zoo siab tau los nrog nej tsev neeg tau ob lub xyoos no."

I thank them for their hospitality, for their love, and for what they have done for me over the years. I added that eventhough we may not be in the same family, dont distant themselves far away from me, if they need anything and feel I can help feel free to call me. Then I walked out the door with tears in my eyes, knowing this is the last time I will ever be in that house, with that family, with her.

The next week, I went over and we closed out our saving's account with a balance over $5000, we split it in half; we cancelled our planned honey package valued at $6500, to Hawaii; our flight to visit my parent in California for two weeks was cancelled, valued at $700.00; cancelled our plan of going to Six Flags in Gurney Mill, IL valued at $90.00; cancelled our cabin we reserved in Duluth for a week in Duluth, MN valued at $650.00; cancelled our phone plan, it's a shareplan we had with US Cellular, we had for over a year with some remaining months left.

Gradually, her father's wish has been fulfill. As the days and weeks and months goes by, our communication line slowy fades, until silent fill our lives. Two hearts once shared the same beat, same rhythm, can longer be felt. Two lives although 300 miles apart use to be so close, seemed farther and farther away. Hopes and dreams, a goal in life planned out so well, slowly disappear until it no longer can be seen, impossible to reach.

Based on a True Account of My Life
NyobIbLeeg @ HmongBlog
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It's so sad!
I would hate to be in that kind of dilemma.
At the same time I was thinking
A well verse, educated, well mannered Hmong man...
That's a major turn-on.
 

kellylis

sarNie Hatchling
OMG!
it made me cry! :(
so sad! So touching... I hate real love story that has a ending of not getting each other...
Sib Hlub rau tiam no los tsis sib tau, mam li tos lwm tiam...
makes me cry!
*sinff* *sniff*
 

ddawbb

sarNie Adult
very tus siab heev..
but I've encountered one couple in love whose love was even more forbidden than this one...
kev hlub tsis yooj yim kiag lis os...
 

xxmiss_maixx

sarNie Adult
It's so sad what he said to the Father and to Rose.
OMG
He sounds like the perfect gentleman!
anyways,
i'm not good with translating hmong into english
so if anybody would like to post up their translations for those who do not read hmong
i would greatly appreciate it.
thanks in advance
 

babe_girl

sarNie Adult
ack! i suck at hmong reading and i only read half way and then skip toward the end with the english. it's so sad though. did they give a reason why they couldn't be together?
 

ddawbb

sarNie Adult
they couldn't be together b/c the girls' family is VANG and the guy is LEE..
the VANGs will not allow the marriage to the LEEs.. probably people with grudges.. geesh...
well, I think the father is one dumb man- I've a cousin who wasn't supposed to marry his wife b/c of last names too.. BUT her parents were SMART and said that people make their own problems should deal with their own lives and so they won't let past grudges hurt their children and let the couple get married :) now that's some smart thing to do :)
 

mly

sarNie Hatchling
That is so sad. I hate it when the elders have stupid rules or grudges like that. I believe it must have had something to do with the past, them and the Lee clans. Maybe Kou and Rose are the ones who will open the door for the Vangs and Lees to start a new friendship. But pride is pride, and it comes first before your child's happiness. What a shame. :( It's their loss, not his.

Quick Translation: The father told Kou he is a good boy. Knows the culture and is really helpful to everyone who ask him for help. He listens to his parents and the father likes him alot. He knows that Kou and Rose loves each other and if they got married, she will have a good life with him and he would take good care of her. There is nothing bad about him that the father or the relatives does not like; but the stupid reason is because Kou is a Lee and them Vangs don't marry someone from the Lee clan. That's why no matter what, they can never get married. The sad thing for the father is that the one thing he wants he can't have; and that is Kou to be his son or a son-in-law. Even if he wants Kou to be his son-in-law, the laws (whatever it is) will never allow it. So forget about their relationship and move on.
Kou told the father that he will listen to the father and stop seeing Rose. He'll cherish every word the father said to him. He'll use it to encourage himself in the future. He will look at the father like a fatherly figure. In the future if they need help for anything, just let him know.
Then he told Rose that since this life they love each other very much but can't have each other, then for next life for both of them to reunite and be together.
Then he told the relatives to witness that this life him and Rose can't be together. He said he was glad to get to know them during the 2 yrs of him and Rose dating.
 

mongstaness

sarNie Adult
awwwww....thats wat i hate most about people who dis other people....i dont know why some people dont like others jus becuz of their last names or language....

for ex, i feel soooo sorry for my mom...she's white n my dads green...my dads parents and relatives would not let him marry my mom...but they did ne ways...my mom went thru years of being hated on cuz she was white...they even criticized her in front of other relatives...however, my mom was very nice, hardworking and smart, so she always forgave, and learned green in an instant....now she can speak white n green very fluently and no one could notice...also, now everyone likes her cuz shes very hardworking smart and nice to others, so i guess u can say shes had an happy ending...
 

rukD2B

Bai Yang [♥] Fong T. Xiong
wait, whats the reason behind why vangs cant marry lees tho?
anyone know? explain? this story is sad. yet, i still think that
if it comes to this kind of climax, the parents shouldve allowed
them to get married. there are times where you have yield
when it comes to these kinds of situations. >_<

the vangs in this story are quite some sticklers for rules. aish.
the guy's a good guy though. and i'm sure he'll do great in life.
i just feel really bad for him, i mean, its not pity. but i'm glad
that he's so respectable and that is very admirable.
 

mokka

sarNie Adult
yeah, anyone know the reason behind the vang and the lee? thats weird....
my cousin is a vang and his wife is a lee, there is nothing wrong with their marriage. it really makes me wonder what's the reason for this couple not to be able to be together?
 

s395299

sarNie Egg
Well I don't know if this is the exact reason for people to hate on certain Lee's but my sister told me during the Secrete War there was a well respected Hmong politicians name Tou Bee Lee Fong he was one of the first Hmongs to be educated in France. Many may not know about this incident because this happened in a certain region in Laos. During that time obviously a lot of the Hmong people were fleeing to Thailand but Tou Bee Lee Fong and his close relatives believed that the Lao government well not harm them because they were innocent people. But people from that region left anyways so Tou Bee Lee Fong's relatives decided to take matters into his own hands...his relatives refused to let any of the villagers leave and if they did they are going to be shot and killed...so some people didn't want to take the crap and tried to leave and then were killed...another incident of hmong killing hmong...but keep in mind Tou Bee Lee Fong did not know any of this...many people were killed during this incident and many survived as welll...and that's why the ones that survived holds grudges against Lee's because they thought that it was him...

In my opinion I kind of see Tou Bee Lee Fong as a hero because he died for what he believe in...he is the only person in Hmong history that I could think of that sacrificed himself...

Yeah for anyone who lives in Fresno you must know the Asian Super Market former owner was Chang Fong Lee...not a lot of people go and support them because they are part of the Tou Bee Lee Fong Clan.
 

mly

sarNie Hatchling
I am a Lee and never heard about us not being able to marry Vangs. I think it's only that particular Vang family who has something against the Lee clans. Otherwise, Kou's parent would have forbid him not to date Rose. And I don't think it's the Touby Lyfoung story. Because most Hmong hold grudges to one family tree, not the same lastname clan. Not all same lastname clans are related. That's why when you get married, the elders will ask each other where they are from and see if there was any grudges in the past that needs to be fixed before the marriage can take place.
 

dorkymc

sarNie Egg
if they truly love each other.... this should not have stopped them... i felt that they let go of each other too easily.... love is not such and easy thing to find... once you have it, you must grab it... now, he is going on with his life... but somehow, i feel that he will regret till the end... such silly reason to part in today's hmong mika society....
 

ntxhais

sarNie Hatchling
OMG her dad just gave the biggest longest excuse for not accepting him... Trying to butter him make him feel really good before rejecting him...I was reading it and reading it and reading it and waiting for the "Tiam Sis..." but took him forever... anyway... yeah... i don't know what to say besides that was a really long excuse from the dad...
 

lala209

sarNie Hatchling
thanks for sharing this dabneeg! however, the father is just holding grudge for whatever reason. i'm a LEE and i believed that there are many different clans of LEEs because my dad is a peacemaker! my brother is about to be marry to his girlfriend (who she is a VANG). they've been dating for 7-8 years. my dad always liked her and welcome her. and her family have nothing against my brother.
 
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