My Letter to Him


Just plain obsessed
I broke up with my boyfriend on the 4th of July, and I'm finally close to getting over it...the only way I could have done so was by writing these little letters to him. I never sent it to him, because he didn't deserve any more of my time, but I wanted to say the things I needed to say, and it really helped.

July 8, 2012
Don’t say things you don’t mean, don’t make promises you can’t keep, and don’t act like you want to be in a relationship when you don’t know what it means to be in one. Would it kill you to be honest about your feelings, for once in your life? You have a mouth, use it. Your actions and words contradict each other and that confused the hell out of me. I knew I had issues, but I didn’t pretend like they didn’t exist, and I was doing my best to make things work in spite of all that, but you didn’t. I should have let you go a long time ago; I should have known we had no future. You don’t deserve me, not the kind of person I am, and not the things that I do for people I care about. I thought you were different, but you’re not. I didn’t listen to anyone and gave you an undeserved chance, only for you to pull this crap on me. If it makes you feel better, then go ahead; pretend like I was the problem. Pretend you don’t have communication issues and didn’t have the balls to be honest with me about wanting things to end. I’ll take partial responsibility for not leaving sooner…but I wanted to give us a chance, I wanted to give you a chance to prove that you’re the decent man I thought you were. All you did was make me hate you…for doing everything you could to send me away, and I was too blind to realize that was what you were doing. I take full responsibility for dragging this out longer than I should have, for allowing you to do the things you did to push me away. I deserve better. You saying nothing is worse than anything you could have possibly said. I didn’t do anything to deserve how you treated me in the last few weeks we were together. If you didn’t want to be with me, you should have ended it, instead of making me think you wanted it to work. You didn’t raise the bar; you set it pretty damn low. There is nothing wrong with me, but there is something wrong with you for having me in your life, and being okay with letting me go. I may have issues, but I’m a good person, and even if I have hurt people, I acknowledge it and apologize for it. You’re wrong for assuming that after we break up, I’d want to get back together. Once you’re out of my life, you no longer exist to me. First boyfriend or not, once you’ve hurt me, there’s no way in hell I’m letting you back in my life to do it again.
What was the point in having me meet your friends, and family? Oh, but you did point out that you didn’t intend for me to meet your family, it just happened to work out that way. I wouldn’t have introduced you to my family if I wasn’t sure about you, and now I have to avoid them so they don’t ask me questions about you, so thanks for that. Things that you said that I thought were a joke, now just makes me wonder if it was the truth. I mean, what kind of boyfriend would joke about his girlfriend dating one of his friends? That made me feel great. I don’t know when things changed, but it definitely did. You did. Just when I was starting to get used to you, you go and do something completely different. Why couldn’t you be honest like you said you were? You kept so much in, I could tell, cuz I was doing the same thing. But the difference between us was that I wanted to tell you what I was holding back, but you didn’t want to hear it or want to express yourself in the same way. I may not have introduced you to people as my boyfriend, but everyone in my life knew that…I was always unsure about that with you. There’s a lot I can understand about you because I feel that we have similar personality traits, silly me for thinking you’d act the same way. You’re more stubborn than I am. You over think things more than I do. You know you have a problem with communication, but you won’t change it, and that’s where we differ, and that’s why we won’t work out. I know I have a problem with communication, but I constantly try to work on it. If you’re anything like me, you probably don’t respond to me because you’d rather have someone misunderstand you than to have to explain yourself to another person. The only difference with that is that I constantly try to explain myself to people, but they still misunderstand, so I just let them see me for whoever they want to see me as.
Realistically, we would have never worked out, and I knew that, but I still wanted to try. Even though I don’t want kids at this moment, I want them in the future, and the more I see you with kids, the more I realize you don’t want to even be around them, let alone have them. I have nieces and nephews that I love and adore, and I couldn’t be with someone who felt uncomfortable to be around them. You also didn’t want to have a wedding, which is something I always dreamed of as a little girl. I don’t want anything extravagant, but I want something special, a day I can share with my closest friends and family. You’re really negative. I grew up in the most negative environment a child should have to grow up in, but I managed to stay positive. The older I got, the harder it was on me, but I made it my goal to stay optimistic. I was hoping that I could rub off on you, but with your stubbornness, that wasn’t possible. It was hard to stay positive around you sometimes. I wanted us to grow to be better people because of each other, but I don’t think you’re ready to. I’m not at a point to wish you luck on that either. So I would like to know…what was it about me that you didn’t like? My thoughtfulness, my support, my encouragement, or my understanding? My cheerful personality? My honesty?

July 12, 2012
Even though I’m moving on, I do miss you…actually, I miss the guy that I liked. I miss your honesty. I miss how happy you were to see me. I miss how often you wanted to see me. I miss how you expressed yourself to me. I miss how you’d find a way to touch or kiss me. I miss how we tried to spend as much time as we had together. I miss always trying to find something to do with you. I miss arguing with you about what movie we should watch, not wanting to watch your suggestions, but end up doing it anyways. I miss the guy that I knew liked me back. I miss the guy I met 3 months ago. If that wasn’t who you really are, then you shouldn’t have lied or pretended. But I don’t miss the guy that made me feel like I was someone to occupy his time when no one else had time for him. I don’t miss the guy who didn’t want to talk about our relationship to fix what was wrong with it. I don’t miss the guy who would rather be on his computer or phone and not try to talk to me. I don’t miss the guy who couldn’t be honest with me. I don’t miss the guy who treated me the way I don’t deserve to be treated. I don’t miss the guy who made me feel like he didn’t want my company. In the past few weeks, I was so unhappy. I didn’t feel like you felt the same way anymore, and you didn’t even reassure me either. I felt like you would only see me because you had nothing better to do, and there were times when it was so hard to be around you, but I tried anyways, in spite of how uncomfortable you made me feel. Whatever stress you had in your life, you started to take out on me, even though I was trying to do all I could to help you. I wasn’t being completely available for you, I was being as available as I possibly could be for you, because if I was in your position, that’s what I would have wanted. I answered your calls to keep you company during your drive; you went from calling me right when you were leaving, to waiting a while before calling. I drove to you because I knew how hard it was for you to drive to and from work, and I was being considerate. Don’t mistake me being considerate for me being easy. I’m a nice person who likes to let people feel like they matter to me. I can easily pretend like I’m too busy for someone, but I’m not like that. Unlike some people, I actually mean what I say…I don’t play games.
My friend thought you’d eventually come around. A part of me hopes that you do realize the mistake you made and try to reach out to me, but it wouldn’t even matter, because we’re done. I gave you a chance even though I knew you weren’t the one for me, but you blew it, so we’re done. I’m not supposed to be the one trying to hold on to this relationship, that should have been you. I wasn’t the lucky one, you were, and that’s the truth. I’m a great person, beautiful inside and out, and you’re dumb for not seeing it. Whatever is going on with you, you’re an idiot for not wanting to talk about it. You’re an idiot for having me in your life, and not staying around long enough to really know the kind of great person that I am. You’re stupid for letting me walk away without so much as a fight. You can have all the free time you want now. I’m not like your ex, or any other girl in your life, I’m not just gonna put up with you treating me unfairly. I’m not someone you can walk all over, not anymore. And you thought I’d want to get back together with you just because you’re my first boyfriend? You should be so lucky. I shouldn’t have given you another chance after you told me you didn’t know what you wanted. I should have known from then that you didn’t want to be with me. But don’t you worry, I only give second chances, and you used yours up. You’d try to get back together with me before I would ever consider giving you another chance. Fool me once, shame on you…and that’s it. I will admit that I miss you, but not to the extent of letting you back in my life. We’re done. I’m not the type to break up and make up. Once we’re broken up, we’re done. Besides, even if there was something you could do or say to get me to give you a chance; I don’t think you’d do it.
1. You would actually need to talk about our relationship.
2. You would have to come to me if you want to see me, because my days of driving to you are over.
3. You need to apologize for being a jackass again.
4. You would have to do all the calling and texting first.
5. You would have to actually plan dates.
6. You would need to express your feelings towards me.
7. You would need to do things I want to do regardless of your personal interest in it.

July 14, 2012
I’m just left wondering what happened to the guy that I could have fallen for? The guy who saw me almost every day of the week, before or after work, it didn’t matter; you just wanted to see me. What happened to the guy who wanted me to meet his family and friends? What happened to the guy that programmed the radio stations in his car for me? What happened to the guy who would let me take naps in his room because he knew how tired I was? What happened to the guy who bought me my favorite drinks whenever he was in a gas station and brought it to me after work? What happened to the guy that always wanted me to spend the night? What happened to the guy who would just hold me for a few minutes because we barely got to spend time alone? What happened to the guy that told me he wanted a place so that I could sleep over whenever I needed to? You did a complete 180, and now I’m just left wondering about what the hell happened? You went from making me feel special to feeling like crap, completely out of nowhere! Now I’m just left wondering. Don’t worry, not enough to want to find out answers, because I won’t get them. I hope your friends and family ask you about me, and I hope you realize you can’t even make anything up to tell them because it was all you. We probably aren’t a good match, and that’s what you could tell them. Or you could tell them that your feelings changed, but don’t you dare put this on me. Everyone in your life sees how great of a person I am, but you. It’s your personality that eventually drove me away. I’m not the type to stick around to be treated like crap, I’m past that. I wish I could be there when you realize you made a mistake, and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. I wish I could be there when you realize that I won’t be the one reaching out. It’s not my loss, and I hope you see that soon. I hope you had fun with your friends or whatever you do with your life. What kind of person would let someone loyal and supportive walk out of their life? Was I too nice for you? Was I too helpful? Was I too supportive or optimistic? I hope you meet girls who don’t even compare to me, I hope the woman you end up with is right for you, but you realize she’s nothing like me. I hope you realize you won’t meet someone like me and realize how unlucky you are. Funny thing is, you already feel that you’re an unlucky person, you should attribute letting me walk away to your track record. I mean, how unlucky are you to have someone great in your life and not realize it, and then let them walk away? Maybe it’s just stupidity then. You did find me, but I chose YOU. My mistake.
You know what I learned about being with you? That no matter how much you try to make a relationship work, if two people aren’t right for each other, then you should just let it go. I don’t know what your deal was, but I knew we weren’t right for each other. You didn’t meet my standards, but I gave you a chance anyways, because I thought you had potential, but you sure proved me wrong. You said you broke up with your ex because she had a problem with your female friends…what will you tell people this time? Even if we weren’t a complete match, would you be able to tell people that? How do you explain to people why someone so great is no longer in your life? I think even though these people don’t know me that well, they’ll still see that it was you that messed this relationship up. I’d honestly like to know, what was it about me that supposedly wasn’t good enough for you? But if you say I’m too good for you, I’m gonna kill you. Instead of trying to be someone deserving of me, you take the easy way out? I’d rather you not realize that I’m the best thing that ever happened to you than for you to know that and still let me go. You guys are so dumb. You stay in the worst relationships for the longest amount of time, and you let the decent ones go quickly. I can’t even be really mad at you, because then I’d have to be mad at my own friend. He let a decent woman go just because he wasn’t ready for her level of commitment. His ex reminds me of me, investing time and energy in a relationship, thinking it would go far, but it doesn’t.
I was sad…I still am. Sad because a guy I liked just completely dismissed me…because he didn’t bother trying to keep me in his life…because he changed and I was busy in denial to realize it…because I should have left sooner, before you started hurting my feelings. I didn’t tell you about hating flaky people to guilt you into keeping your plans with me, jerk. I just shared it with you. I can understand you being tired from work, but then, you usually aren’t too tired when it comes to your friends. Back when we started dating, I don’t ever remember you being so tired that you didn’t want to spend time with me. I’m allowed to be sleepy when I’m with you because I don’t sleep late and wake up late like you do. I was tired from school and work, since I’ve had to do both, how dare you get upset at me for being sleepy, jackass, I was the one who had to drive home in the middle of the night too. I should have never went to see you when you said, “You can come over if you want.” You said that a lot lately, giving me the choice instead of telling me you wanted to see me. I’m slowly getting past the sad phase and into the pissed off phase. And I would love for you to try to contact me during that time…you wouldn’t have the balls to take what I would say to you. You lost all privilege to talk to me after you refused to talk to me when I wanted us to. I’m getting over you…I just wish I could get there faster. Because I don’t ever want to think about you.
July 16, 2012
Do you just introduce random girls to your friends and family? Is that something that’s normal for you? You never told your family that I was your girlfriend, you let them assume that. What’s wrong with you? It makes me wonder if they ask why I haven’t been around, and if they do, what do you tell them exactly? Probably nothing…maybe a “we’re not seeing each other anymore.” No explanations, because that’s not what you do. I’m the naïve one telling people you’re my boyfriend, being incredibly and noticeably happy, while you just go about your business as per usual. I’m gonna pretend that you’re more miserable than me, it makes me feel better. I’m not sad that we broke up, I’m sad that it had to happen so soon, and that I feel that I was the only one who was still invested in the relationship. I felt that you didn’t even have feelings for me anymore, and if that was the case, YOU should have been the one to end it, not me. That was such a dick move…to have me end it, and to not even put up a fight. I don’t know why I still think about it. I’m hoping because it’s still pretty new…it happened recently. I hope that this doesn’t bother me 2 months from now. I’m so over trying to get over you. The more I don’t want to think about you, the more I do think about you. I hope you’re as reminded of me as I am of you. We did too many everyday things together, that now; it’s hard to not think about you. We shared places and interests. I feel like I can’t even leave my house because everything out there reminds me of you…driving to your house, picking up candy for you whenever I’m in 7-eleven. Can I just get over you already? Damn. I know I had feelings, but shouldn’t they have faded away already? Why do I need to think about someone that doesn’t think about me? I’m not reaching out because I’m the one that ended things, because I was the unhappy one, what’s your excuse? You just lost feelings so since I gave you a way out, you took it and celebrated? I hate not knowing why you did the things you did. Why you felt that I was acting different, but didn’t care to figure out why? My friends keep telling me to not assume things. How can I not when I know you’re doing the same damn thing! That’s what we have in common, over-thinking and assuming. That’s a bad combination, especially when the both of us have a hard time communicating. Nicole’s right, we’re not right for each other, because one of us has to be a good communicator; but neither of us are. You refuse to communicate, not even on a guy level, as a human being. You refuse to communicate with your family, your friends…I just hope you realize that you have a problem that needs to be fixed. Or else, what kind of relationships will you have, superficial ones? I guess it shouldn’t bother me that much, because at least I know you’re the same way with everyone in your life. But the difference is that I can’t and won’t put up with that bull. You treat everyone in your life the same way, and I don’t deserve that kind of treatment. I can understand your frustrations with not being where you wanted to be in life, with working a job you hate, but don’t take it out on people that care about you. I hope you’re reminded of me EVERY hour of EVERY day. I hope you’re miserable and kicking yourself for letting me end things, and for being a douche for not even responding. I practically was around every day and was involved in your routines, been around your friends and family, so I do hope, actually, pray that you’re more miserable than I am, because it’s just not fair if you aren’t. I hope you realize the problem was with your lack of communication, and not me wanting to see you. I didn’t care if I saw you once or twice…a month. I just wanted to know that you want to see me even though you can’t, but I stopped feeling that way. I’ve put up with a lot of unhappiness in my life, I wasn’t about to put up with more. I tried to get to know you, but it was hard, you made things so difficult. What hurt me was that you weren’t trying to get to know me. You just stopped trying. If that was the case, why weren’t YOU the one to end things?! Why did you make me do it?!!! It was good that I did, because that means I chose to leave a bad situation…it made me the stronger one. I wonder why you deactivated your Facebook account. I mean, I did block you, maybe you figured that out, it’s not like you could block me back, so that means you deactivated it. That kinda makes me feel like you did that because of me. I’ll take what I can get. You don’t try to call, or text…you’re too stubborn, more than me. That’s why we wouldn’t have worked out, we have the same bad character traits, but at least I’m aware of mine, and trying to fix it. We both have a lot of pride and ego, that’s why I won’t reach out to you. I’ve cut my losses, and just trying to move on…it sucks that it’s going so slowly. I just pray for a day where I don’t have to think about you anymore, and I can just be at peace. It wouldn’t matter if you apologized to me, apologies mean nothing to me. People apologized to me all the time for hurting me, but nothing changed, so that’s just a word to me now. I didn’t think we’d be friends after we broke up from a long time of dating, but I didn’t think we’d end on these terms…where I am just so pissed off at you. I wanna yell at you so badly for being a stupid jerk, but I can’t. You hurt me by making me feel unwanted, by dragging this relationship longer than it should have gone, by not even wanting to hear what I had to say. There’s nothing you can do or say to fix this….I’m just trying move on and not think about you. But it’s been so hard…it would give me some satisfaction knowing you’re just as miserable. I don’t even wanna know if you get a girlfriend after me, and treat her better than me…I deserve more than you gave me, jackass.
July 22, 2012
I’ve been doing well, if it wasn’t for that trip to LAX and driving past Southwest about 8 times, I wouldn’t have even thought about you. I’ve been getting over you because I know you were not someone I deserved to be with. You were the lucky one in the relationship, and I’m the lucky one now for not having you in my life. I don’t want to miss you, but I still do. But it will pass…there are so few nice moments between us that I will miss, and then I will remember the bad things about you and our relationship and be glad that we’re no longer together. I hate that you probably think you’re better off without me. I’m the one that’s better off without you, because you have issues! I’m still so pissed off that I didn’t get any answers or explanations from you and that you let me end things. You should have been a man, been honest with me, and just end things on good terms. Well, good for you…live your life without me. All I did was care about you; I guess that’s not what you wanted. I wish you would try to contact me so I can just yell at you and feel better. What happened to the guy I was falling for? Was that all an act? Are you really the jackass you made yourself out to be? Because I didn’t deserve how you treated me. Taking out your frustrations about your life on me…completely dismissing me…not communicating with me…not wanting to see me and couldn’t tell me. You’re such a bastard. Thanks for being such a bad first boyfriend. I shouldn’t have even given you a chance. What’s wrong with you? You’re like every other guy I’ve come across, and I really thought you were different…decent even. I just don’t get how you can go from being sweet and thoughtful to being a complete jerk. I hope you’re more miserable than I am, because it’s your loss. Even if we were right for each other, you could have been grown up about it and told me that, at least that way I wouldn’t hate you so much. But I do. I hate you, and as much as I care or cared about you, I hate you. I hate that I believed you! I hate that I still miss you…the good you. I hate that you let me know what it was like to have a boyfriend, and completely take that away from me! I’m not worried, I know that when I’m ready, my right guy will come along and SHOW me that he’s nothing like the guys in my past. That he’s NOTHING like any of the people in my life…that he’s better, reliable, honest…that he’s exactly what I need. I just want to stop thinking about the good boyfriend that I had for 2 and a half months. I want to forget who you pretended to be so that I would like you. If you were unhappy, you should have ended things, instead of making me just as unhappy as you were.