It's HARD WORK!!!! If you think that as long as you are in "love" it'll be alright.. Then you've got a lot to learn... As much as I thought I was "Americanized" I wasn't. As much as I thought him and I are the same because we are all human, we weren't. Just a heads up for you there will be lots of challenges ahead of you.. Not just with your family accepting him but just between you two as a couple. An example is even our communication styles are very different. Sometimes when a relative asks me to do something and I really don't want to do it, but don't want to hurt their feelings either. I'll be like yes, yes, I'll see if I'm busy if not ok.. Then later I'll say I'm busy (which means a polite no).. Where he can't understand why I can't just tell them directly no, sorry go do it yourself. Because "white folks" are very direct in what they say (what they say is what they mean), as for Hmong people or Asians we are not direct (what we say is not what we mean, it's the underlining meaning because we don't want to hurt the others feelings). It's nothing good or bad about either culture it's just our differences. Trust me there are lots of other differences too like just in our thinking and our thoughts on different issues. But for the most part our core values are the same.. Being a good person, trust, family. So I'm telling you if you are willing to work at it you'll be fine. Especially in the beginning because you will not have much support.
First hand experience...The heart will want what it wants when it wants it. Not an easy topic.. I've been with my "white" husband for 10 years now... And have two very beautiful kids too.. I think for many Hmong parents the hardest part is of seeing their kids date outside the race would mean that the race is slowly disappearing (not really the race but the culture). It's very hard for them to grasp that concept because they have tried so hard to hold on to the culture. They want the son-in-law that can come over at parties and chop up meat, and the son-in-law that understands the culture and comes running over and help them when needed. They are most scared that the person outside of the race will not understand them and will not like them, their traditions, their way of life. They are the most scared of LOOSING their child that has always been there for them when needed (in their minds if you date/marry outside the race especially a girl they have lost you). This is just my experience..
I've always been the type to totally try to please my parents. Always doing what they wanted. I was a straight A student, traditional, basically when my parents say jump, I jumped. So when I defied my parents (I was in my 20's) and started seeing a white guy it was very hard for my parents, I was totally disowned for the first two years (it was very hard due to the fact that I've never been away from my family, and trust me when your Hmong; family is everything). It was so bad that when I got into a car accident; my mother was so worried about me (but due to pride she couldn't call me) she called my sister to ask if I was ok. Finally when my grandmother died it brought us back to the point where we could start talking again. From there I just kept coming over and bringing him with me. At first my dad was so angry he wouldn't even speak to him. (My point is your parents will still love you no matter how angry they are because you are still their child, so don't alienate yourself from them. Keep going over and do what you do. They will come around if you make them see that you are still the same person. Don't stop coming around due to being bitched at all the time because then they will never get to know him.) When I first started seeing him they thought I went crazy.. My mom thought I went off the deep end she even asked me "are you doing drugs"? "Are you getting enough to eat? Since they seem to think all white folks eat is "bread". Basically they didn't know anything about him and they were terrified they just want what is best for me. (When parents say they will disown you, they can't because their love for you, they can't throw it away that easy)
Eventually they got to know him and realized he isn't as bad as their minds made him out to be and he realized that they were never that bad either, they were actually really nice people. And they realized I was still the same person no matter who I was with. Also the biggest thing is for my dad was that my boyfriend at the time had no respect for my parents (this was the biggest issue with my dad). Living with him, and him not marring me was ultimate disrespect (remember Hmong culture, can't live together if not married). But when it finally did happen, my husband came over and spoke to my dad and asked my dad if he could marry me it was very sweet (it took about 5 years to get to this point, and them realizing that yes I'm going to be with him no matter what), and he even paid a bride price (which they knew he didn't have to because it wasn't even in his culture). We had our little wedding celebration (ultimate respect for my dad, this was when my dad wholeheartedly started to really get to know him). I believe the biggest obstacle is for each party to get to know each other. Once they realize the other isn't that bad, relationships can blossom. Now life is great with my parents. They realized that I'm still my old self and that he's the only one that has been there when they needed serious help. They have since moved to Tulsa, OK. They have visited us and even my husband's gone down with my son and visited them too (yes, all by themselves... my husband and my son visiting my parents) I'm telling you from the beginning I would have never dreamed of this day.. My parents love him and they understand he will never understand everything within the culture but he tries he's even gone to their parties and try to chop up meat.. and he loves them too and feels as if they are really his family. He prefers my family over his American extended relatives.
Last thought... What scares some of the older Hmong generation is that marring someone outside the the culture will never last... What I've heard the most out of them is "you know it will never last till the day you are old". That the person just wants to play around with you and that's all. My parents told me at the beginning 6 months is what we will give the both of you.. I think after 5 years my parents finally realized it's not a game he was playing and that we were still together and going strong. They were scared I had ruined my life.. I think when they realized that I'm still the same person. I was still doing everything to better my life as before but just not with the person they had pictured me with was the only difference and that person wasn't so bad either they learned to accept it. I can still remember those words "you will never last". We are going on our 10th year this year, and still going very strong.. Doesn't seem like 10 years we keep telling each other then we laugh about it.. Don't get me wrong ALL relationships are HARD WORK.. But just a heads up for you an interracial relationship is double the work but if you're willing you'll be fine.. (This is just the gist of my story if you want to hear more email me sometime, I'm more than willing to share my experiences) Good luck!!!^_^
