Bad family relationship help!

[Cupid Candy]

Ok ever since I was little my relationship with my dad was rocky. When I was little I wanted to color with my mom and it was dinner time so I whined and cried for her to color with me. My dad got annoyed so he hit me and locked me in the hallway for about an hour. He hit me several other times because I was just doing what a child does, whine and cry. I was about 3 or 4 at the time. He stopped hitting me when I was 5.

My dad is the kind of person who likes to put his friends before family and he wanted to make his friend's child happy so he took my toys without asking me and gave it to his friend's kid. I eventually found out and I cried as what every kid would do and he got mad at me. He didn't talk to me for months.

Another time he got mad at me for no reason. We were joking around having fun the day before and the day after he wouldn't talk to me. At the dinner table he would sneak words to hurt me. We were talking about how babies needed breast milk and my dad was like "hmmm, some children who didn't get milk are ungrateful" he looked at me when saying this. From that moment I felt like puking my food, those words hurt me like a knife stab because I didn't do anything at all to make him mad.

Now I'm 15 years old. I am a very quiet and responsible person. I am known for being mature. My dad couldn't drive me to school so I just skipped because my grandma let me. My dad comes home and he says he can't drive me again, I just told him I didn't go to school today and he went nuts. He started telling me that he has many jobs and he's busy trying to provide for the home. I only said I didn't go to school and now he is really mad at me. Everyone who was there at the moment saw that I didn't say anything wrong or disrespectful.

I don't know what to do. He is my father and each and everyday I am starting to hate him more and more. I know this is wrong but he constantly hurts me and expects me to apologize even though he gets mad at me for no reason. I am a buddhist and I know that respecting parents is a must and I wholeheartedly respect an love my parents but the things my father does makes me feel like a thorn is in my heart. What should I so?

 

[smilealways06]

Wow words can't describe how anyone would feel when a father does not show any affections towards you as a child of his. I'm deeply sorry to hear such life story you have here. I guess the best solution is to just simply sit down and talk to one another for better understanding. I know it's hard to just sit down and talk things out but really for any relationship like this or just any other relationship, the best thing that one person can do to another is to "Love and Respect" one another. Maybe your dad is doing those thing because he felt unrespected and the way your feeling is not being love by him. This creates a misunderstanding between one another and will cause the relationship to be discord. That's why forgiveness and grace comes in during times like this but I know for sure that many people don't like choosing that path. If you want to make a better or have a better understanding of one another you need to be able to show respect to that significant other in order to receive love and it works vice versa. In any case if that person doesn't want to show love towards you then it's that person's stubbornness not yours. But as you describe about your dad hitting you as a child that should never ever happened to any child under any circumstance because we are born not to be hit by others just because they're angry or felt like hitting because that is not Love. We are born to be love by those who give birth to us and mold us to be a better person. Lastly, if you are willingly to talk things out then just simply ask your dad "Do you feel respected when I do...." if he answers no then you need to take into consideration of asking for forgiveness and change the way you treat each other. But make sure to tell him how you feel too and in that way he needs to understand you too and not just ignore how you feel too...I'm hoping this advice or what I've say helps. All the best to you and your dad's relationship.

 

[anan]

I'm afraid that there is nothing much that you can do, but only "abstain and endure" like a Stoic as long as you are still under the same roof as your parents...
Buddhism teaches us to respect the Elders and other more important value such as to control our life by doing good things around us...

When you feel that the sky is falling on your head, go and escape to your refuge that you feel comfort & secure.
When ppl. say bad words to you, be the wall, don't answer... coz if u do, u are not worth better than them.
Finally, all "bad" things that happened in our lives can only make us stronger.

Don't fill your life with hatred, anger toward your dad, because he is still your dad, even though he is far away from being the "right & good, the perfect & love-caring" dad that you expected to see or have...

You are still young, one day you will know about Acceptance and Forgiveness... That day you will be Free & Happy
'Coz the best thing in life is ahead you, not your bad & past souvenirs...

Be Strong !

 

[Mistspyed]

I agree with smilealways06. You should sit down with your dad and express yourself. It seems like there is a lot of unspoken words between you and your dad. It seems like there may be somethings that your dad and you are unhappy about and can't bring about to discuss with you. My advice for you to go about talking to your dad, is to just express how you feel. Start your sentence with I feel like...(for example, I feel like you're neglecting me and I feel hurt) and don't call him out or anything, or make it about him. (But try to make him aware of his actions around you.)Wait for his response, he may not agree with you, but allow him to disagree with you. If he disagrees with you, tell him he is a great father and you don't want to feel this tension toward him, then ask for his help, so you won't feel the way you do toward him. If he ask you what he can do, tell him. Secondly, lead your dad open up to you so he won't so angry at you for no reason. The dinner table was a great example of your dad communicating to you that he is very unhappy with you, but it wasn't good way to let you know, it just made you sad.There must be something there that he's not telling. You may want to start with "I know, I haven't been fulfilling your expectation of being a daughter," or "I am aware that I've been making you unhappy lately," (these phrases may or may not be true about you, but it's a great way to guide him to open up)and at the end ask him what you can do. Also, tell him that you don't want to see him unhappy or mad because of you, so unless he tell you, you can't make him happy. I hope these advice will guide you into talking with your dad and I hope you can talk to him, it's the only way to get things resolve.

Best of luck to you, and please provide an update if you talk to your dad.

 

[kialakornlover]

If your Dad doesn't love, you don't really need to love him,but then her IS your dad. whoever loves and care for you, that's who you need to care for. I mean, just skipping for a day or two isn't gonna make you flunk or anything like that.
Try getting a time to talk to a family member of yours. Like your Grandma.... She maybe able to help you out. Love doesn't always allow everything out...
Your dad cares for his friends first, took your toy, that is not cool!!! Your dad does not know how to be a dad...
Hopefully, everything turns out well soon!

 

[mainhiathao]

^ i agree with some of the above comments. maybe you should tell your dad ur hurt because maybe he doesn't know that what he's saying is hurting you; or have a discussion like one of the sarnies mentioned above, and sometimes it could be that he's just being ignorant. It's going to be a hard way out but i wish the best luck for you girl! :console:

 

[Cupid Candy]

Well the thing is... my dad loves me, i'm sure he does but he has mood swings that makes him more of an ass.

 

[thai-lakorn-fan-forever]

are you the only child? I mean the description you described is really overwhelming.

 

[smilealways06]

@ Cupid Candy if you know that your dad loves you but has moody feelings all the time then just try your best to not always have any contradictions between you and him. I understand what you mean about the moody thing bcus sometimes my mom is like that but I always tend to not argue back and let her be angry all she wants because I think my mom sure is Bipolar not trying to be mean or anything but I always remind myself that maybe moody people like my mom is Bipolar to just not make it a big deal out of that because sooner or later that person will come back asking for an apology...and if they don't ask for an apology then like I say just go talk to them and be the first one to tell them how you feel but don't make things worst if that person doesn't agree with you. Men's mind works differently from women and just so you know a man/boy would be thinking oh she's okay with the words that come out of my mouth but in reality the woman/girl's thinking is totally different. And I think anyone whose in any relationship needs to understand the other one's thinking. And don't just assume that the other person understand or know what's going through your mind or that you know what's going through the other person's mind. We have to tell one another for the reassurance of one another and it doesn't hurt one person to reassure the other of their feelings to each other. But anyways I think I talk too much but really all the best for you and your father. Fighting... :dude:

 

[Cupid Candy]

are you the only child? I mean the description you described is really overwhelming.

Yes i'm the only child.

 

[Cupid Candy]

@ Cupid Candy if you know that your dad loves you but has moody feelings all the time then just try your best to not always have any contradictions between you and him. I understand what you mean about the moody thing bcus sometimes my mom is like that but I always tend to not argue back and let her be angry all she wants because I think my mom sure is Bipolar not trying to be mean or anything but I always remind myself that maybe moody people like my mom is Bipolar to just not make it a big deal out of that because sooner or later that person will come back asking for an apology...and if they don't ask for an apology then like I say just go talk to them and be the first one to tell them how you feel but don't make things worst if that person doesn't agree with you. Men's mind works differently from women and just so you know a man/boy would be thinking oh she's okay with the words that come out of my mouth but in reality the woman/girl's thinking is totally different. And I think anyone whose in any relationship needs to understand the other one's thinking. And don't just assume that the other person understand or know what's going through your mind or that you know what's going through the other person's mind. We have to tell one another for the reassurance of one another and it doesn't hurt one person to reassure the other of their feelings to each other. But anyways I think I talk too much but really all the best for you and your father. Fighting... :dude:

I'm starting to think he is bipolar too. These past few days he has been weirdly nice. Oh well, i don't mind him, he works, i go on with my life. I'm stuck with him as my dad for the rest of my life, i might as well make the best of this. He isn't that bad half the time, i just need to stay away from him when he's in one of his moods.

 

[kialakornlover]

Yes i'm the only child.

Well , oypur the only child, why does he treat you like that! I mean, you know if you have one kid, thats the only kid you get to love the most. But he is your dad I understand. Your dad is everything to you. You should have a time where you can talk to him alone. If your dad doesn't wanna talk to you, don't talk to him.

 

[rakcharm]

aw..cupid i'm sorry this is happening to you especically the part where he gave your toy away. i agree with anan. there's not much you can do except try and ignore. talking doesn't work with everybody. that's more of an american approach. asian parents tend to be different. sometimes when you try to talk to them they don't really understand and you're back to square one.

try to ignore him and go to your room or something when an issue comes up. he'll eventually stop talking by himself. and when he says hurtful words to you, try to look at it differently. ignore it and tell yourself it means nothing (because it really means nothing. sometimes they don't know any better but to blurt random words out). but if something does really get to you, let it out by crying or whatever you do. you'll feel better after you let it out.

asian parents think their kids would be able to put up with whatever crap they give you just because when they were kids they probably had to put up with their parents as well. we're taught to be obedient no matter what. but they overlook the soft part/weakness of their kid that some kids cannot stand it and god forbids, commits acts like suicide or other violence. but parents don't realize this of course.

i think eventually when you're all grown up with a job of your own and he gets older too, he'll treat you different than now. btw, is your mom still around? since she doesn't seem to be in the picture. good luck and stay strong!

 

[Cupid Candy]

aw..cupid i'm sorry this is happening to you especically the part where he gave your toy away. i agree with anan. there's not much you can do except try and ignore. talking doesn't work with everybody. that's more of an american approach. asian parents tend to be different. sometimes when you try to talk to them they don't really understand and you're back to square one.

try to ignore him and go to your room or something when an issue comes up. he'll eventually stop talking by himself. and when he says hurtful words to you, try to look at it differently. ignore it and tell yourself it means nothing (because it really means nothing. sometimes they don't know any better but to blurt random words out). but if something does really get to you, let it out by crying or whatever you do. you'll feel better after you let it out.

asian parents think their kids would be able to put up with whatever crap they give you just because when they were kids they probably had to put up with their parents as well. we're taught to be obedient no matter what. but they overlook the soft part/weakness of their kid that some kids cannot stand it and god forbids, commits acts like suicide or other violence. but parents don't realize this of course.

i think eventually when you're all grown up with a job of your own and he gets older too, he'll treat you different than now. btw, is your mom still around? since she doesn't seem to be in the picture. good luck and stay strong!

My mom is just the figure in the background, she tends to just shush us when we're fighting. I sometimes feel like shes more on my father's side but hey this is life and love. Just like the saying teeth and tongue are bound to irritate each other.

 

[thai4ever93]

I agree with rakcharm completely. Im also sorry this is happening to you. My dad and i dont even talk same wit me and my brother, idk y but its just the way it is eversince i was a child. Everyone has diff family relationships and problems, some u cant do anything bout cuz its the way it is. Wat im saying is, dont feel like you r wrong or ungreatful, if u understand tht u dint do anything to deserve it then just let it be. Sometimes i feel like my mom is always on my dad's side too, but i just look pass it and noe tht i dint do shit wrong so dnt give a fuck! (sorry for the language, sometimes bad words expresses ur feelings more LoL) anyways....be strong, grow up, and just succeed in ur life cuz u need self-love 1st then anything! U feel me!? =) put a smile on!

 

[Cupid Candy]

I agree with rakcharm completely. Im also sorry this is happening to you. My dad and i dont even talk same wit me and my brother, idk y but its just the way it is eversince i was a child. Everyone has diff family relationships and problems, some u cant do anything bout cuz its the way it is. Wat im saying is, dont feel like you r wrong or ungreatful, if u understand tht u dint do anything to deserve it then just let it be. Sometimes i feel like my mom is always on my dad's side too, but i just look pass it and noe tht i dint do shit wrong so dnt give a fuck! (sorry for the language, sometimes bad words expresses ur feelings more LoL) anyways....be strong, grow up, and just succeed in ur life cuz u need self-love 1st then anything! U feel me!? =) put a smile on!

:heart: :kiss3: Thanks

 

[thai4ever93]

:heart: :kiss3: Thanks

Anytime!! Hope you're feeling better.