Can someone teach me how to become a better Nyab Hmong?

[mydeepscar]

I need your help, Whatever I do is always wrong:

1. I cook whenever I have the time (i'm super busy with school & work),
2.I clean on the weekend,
3. I give money to my mom-in-law for babysit my baby,
4. I paid most of the house bills ( my husband money never enough for him to use)

Please tech me how to become a better nyab hmong?????? Really want his parent to like me...errr... Sometime I feel like crying, i lived so far away from my parent and friends...I got no one here to cry to...

Please let me know what I did wrong...Thank you for all your advices! I will definitely take it and learn it and do it....

 

[mailee_xox]

Sweetie, let me break it down for you: It's impossible to be a "good" nyab hmong. There's sucha big, long list that I could tell you, but it's not worth it. Just do your best, be yourself, if they appreciate it, then good. if not, good luck.

[PS. That's why I'm not married yet. lol.]

 

[YM_gurl]

I need help, Whatever I do is always wrong. Please tech me how to become a better nyab hmong?????? really want his parent to like me...errr...

Whatever you do is wrong?? Well, What are you doing wrong? j/w

Honestly there is no way of teaching someone to be a good nyab because it's something you should already know before you got married. (Get up early, cook, clean. Love your husband's family and more cooking and cleaning.) If you have the heart to "try" to be one, you will be one but if you don't then you will not. Plus I am sure your mother scold & prepared you for this, if you are not a good nyab. Your parents are the ones to be blame. LOL And or some in laws just expect too much!!! So it goes both ways.

Btw, Nyab these days cannot be super perfect and do everything in the house, they have a life too. School and work.

So, taking a good guess how to be a good nyab. I think you should do good things and have people praise you. LOL

Being a nyab is just like living with your parents, you cook and clean. But just ten times more!! LOL

*Just curious, did you have an Hmong or American Wedding? Because during Hmong wedding's, when the bride & green lady finish dressing up, they go and meet the groom & bestman at the table. There, you should have some cousin's lecture you how to be a good nyab. Did you not? or not listen? j/w

 

[mydeepscar]

LOL, I have both wedding, I did listen...I remember everything they say... but I only wake up early on the weekend to cook and clean. Pay the house bills, cooks and clean. It just that I don't have time on the weekday, I work from 7AM and have night class till 9:30 PM.....I've been hearing stuff about me behind my back, how my in-laws wish for a better nyab. I love them, I do everything for them (give them everything they want and needs) Today, i just hear that they wish i run away or something....my husband just told me to be quite and do nothing about it. it hurt so much! But like you say, I will try to do my best!!! aja! aja! fighting! ahahhaha THANKS

 

[jeeja]

^^^Old folks never seems to realize, it actually takes longer for them to realize your kindness. But as long as your husband loves you and know you're doing the right thing then be happy regardless of what others said. They may not see how hard you're working day and night or even understand you're feelings, but if you're a "Nyab Siab Zoo," then don't worry, just keep doing what you're doing, even if they don't realize, but some other people do see your kind heart. I know how old folks can hurt you with there words, even after you are married with your husband and have tons of kids, they sometimes still thinks you're not the right one for their son, but my lovely mother fought through it, n she won the fight. Now everyone of my cousins wants to be like my mom. Well, i'm a little off topic here, but "I wish you the best of luck, keep doing what you're doing, even if they can't see, your husband is the #1 witness for your hard work and patients. Have trust with each other it's the best thing to do. One day when his parents realize they got no place left to go, they'll probably turned back to you for help, just like my grandparents. Well you know like they say, "Tsis Pom Dej Dag Siab Tsis Nqig", they never realize your kindness until another Nyab torture them.

 

[YM_gurl]

LOL, I have both wedding, I did listen...I remember everything they say... but I only wake up early on the weekend to cook and clean. Pay the house bills, cooks and clean. It just that I don't have time on the weekday, I work from 7AM and have night class till 9:30 PM.....I've been hearing stuff about me behind my back, how my in-laws wish for a better nyab. I love them, I do everything for them (give them everything they want and needs) Today, i just hear that they wish i run away or something....my husband just told me to be quite and do nothing about it. it hurt so much! But like you say, I will try to do my best!!! aja! aja! fighting! ahahhaha THANKS

Ok, then your in laws are just asking for too much. LOL If your in laws are old then it's very understandable that they expect a nyab like to be ones in Laos who stays home all day long & all they do is cook cook cook & clean clean clean. LOL

So as long as you are doing what you can for the family then that's good. Don't change. And Don't bother caring & worrying what the in laws have to say & think, it will just make your life hard. I mean, after all you are not marrying the in laws. you are there to married their son.

And i hope you don't take what your in laws say and hold a grudge against them, because you will see & live with them for a very long time so just do what you can and prove them wrong!! Older people just have problems understanding younger generation these days so yeah. hehee FIGHTING!!! LOL Hang in there.

 

[Mee_123]

Ok, then your in laws are just asking for too much. LOL If your in laws are old then it's very understandable that they expect a nyab like to be ones in Laos who stays home all day long & all they do is cook cook cook & clean clean clean. LOL

So as long as you are doing what you can for the family then that's good. Don't change. And Don't bother caring & worrying what the in laws have to say & think, it will just make your life hard. I mean, after all you are not marrying the in laws. you are there to married their son.

And i hope you don't take what your in laws say and hold a grudge against them, because you will see & live with them for a very long time so just do what you can and prove them wrong!! Older people just have problems understanding younger generation these days so yeah. hehee FIGHTING!!! LOL Hang in there.

personally I believe that you're married to both the in laws and their son. What I mean is that whatever you do you always have (a must) to consider your actions towards them including husband.

 

[YM_gurl]

personally I believe that you're married to both the in laws and their son. What I mean is that whatever you do you always have (a must) to consider your actions towards them including husband.

hahaa True

But think about it, When a girl is married, she's not marrying the in laws. is she? She's marrying the son.

And saying that, im not saying because the girl is not married to the in- laws, she can disrespect the husband's parents & family. of course not.

You married the son so that means you are to love his family as well. But you are not married to the in laws.

For ex: i have a cousin, she's only 20 when her husband passed away. After her husband passed away, she left her husband's family and went back to live with her parents. *So here, she is not married to the in laws. Her husband left, she left too.

 

[nkaujhmooblauj]

i just recently got married.. here's my experience so far.
i'm not saying i'm the best nyab in the world.
i do what i can and do what i know to the best of my ability.
i don't wake up and make breakfast for my in-laws,
my father-n-law leaves to work at 6 am and my mother-n-law works at 830 am
i usually cook a lot of food when i make dinner and make sure there is enough left over
so that they can pack lunch to work
i drive my husband's brothers to school in the morning
come back home and then get ready for school
if i don't stay at school and study or do hw,
i come back home and make dinner.
before i got married, my mom had my sisters and me make dinner every night..
so that's what i'm used to doing
the only difference now is... my husband's sister is only 8
so she can't help me.. my mother-n-law is still at work
and the other nyab in the house doesn't do much besides go on the internet
therefore.. my life is pretty sad and i do everything by myself.
cooking.. setting the table.. clearing the table.. doing the dishes... more cleaning!
then if i'm not tired.. i will do my hw.
i'm a very stressed out full time college student!
but my mom always told me this day would come..
and sure enough... it did.
but hey.. karma is a b*tch. what goes around will definitely come around.
but back to what you are asking...
it's hard to try to make someone like you.
for those nyabs who put on an act.. you better live up to it.
as for the rumors you hear behind your back... guess what?
people will talk about you no matter what..
i always tell my bro-n-law's wife (the other nyab in the house)
if you do your part as a nyab then there is nothing to worry about.
if you try to defend yourself, it will only make outsiders believe the rumor more.
just my experience so far.. my husband and sisters tell me to hang on in there
tables will turn someday for me..
even my fortune cookie said so...
"the care and sensitivity you show towards other will return to you."

 

[AsianFemale]

A BETTER NYAB? GIRL, THERES NO SUCH THING..LMAO IM SERIOUS, NOT WORTH IT.
DONT EVEN BOTHER CARING OR WORRY, DO AS YOU CAN FOR THE FAMILY.
IF YOUR IN LAWS LIKE YOU THN THEY LIKE YOU IF NOT DONT EVEN BOTHER TRYING TO KISSING AZZ AINT WORTH IT..LMAO

 

[renol]

Here's how to be a good nyab hmoob according to most hmong parents:

1. You must know how to kill and clean chickens
2. You must know how to clean pigs/cows after slaughter
3. You must wake up before the sun rises to cook a buffet style breakfast for the in-laws (oh don't forget the zaub tsuag!)
4. You must make dinner before the sun sets
5. You must attend every family gathering (this is where you need to know #1 and #2)
6. You must always greet people visiting by their correct title
7. You must always obey your husband (right or wrong)
8. You must always keep the house clean (just clean isn't good enough, it must be super clean)

That's how you be a good nyab hmoob! Good luck!

I'm a nyab myself and I don't even do half of that! This isn't Laos/Thailand, I do have a job you know!

You can only do what you can do.

 

[mydeepscar]

Here's how to be a good nyab hmoob according to most hmong parents:

1. You must know how to kill and clean chickens
2. You must know how to clean pigs/cows after slaughter
3. You must wake up before the sun rises to cook a buffet style breakfast for the in-laws (oh don't forget the zaub tsuag!)
4. You must make dinner before the sun sets
5. You must attend every family gathering (this is where you need to know #1 and #2)
6. You must always greet people visiting by their correct title
7. You must always obey your husband (right or wrong)
8. You must always keep the house clean (just clean isn't good enough, it must be super clean)

That's how you be a good nyab hmoob! Good luck!

I'm a nyab myself and I don't even do half of that! This isn't Laos/Thailand, I do have a job you know!

You can only do what you can do.

WOW, Thanks for the list....I did do some on the list but gosh I'm too damn busy....

 

[SuabCoobThoj]

The older generation parents need to understand that time has changed...taking care of a family 24/7 is not the daughter-in-laws' only priority now.

They're expecting too much out of their daughter-in-laws...and in a way they seem to want them to experience what they've experienced in the past...sort of like a jealousy kind of thing...

But like many have said, just do what you can do...no need to force anything cause you'll just be miserable...as long as you're not lazy then everything should be fine...

Best of luck to you...

 

[zienan09]

you kno..im not married yet..
but just be the best u can and try the best u can.

my gma never liked my mom for a nyab in the first place. (and my dad didnt kno how to talk to girls...so he just kinda took my mom home lol) but ma is always telling me how my gma and the family didnt like her. whatever she did, they just didnt appreciate it. and gma wanted to send my mom back..they honestly thought about sending her back, but somehow word leaked out to my mom;s side, so they actually got together and talked about it. and then i came along...so divorce was kinda impossible =) but my mom has tough times after birth too..like she;s tired and she can;t do much or she gets really sick. so..u kno..it was...i think 6-7 or years (after the third kid was born) before gma actually appreciated my mom. im not hating or anything, cuz my gma is the best! and so is my mom! but you kno..mom just tried everything to her ability and in the end, they appreciate you. yea, the elders will talk smack about u behind ur back, but u gotta bear with it..thats how life is..thats how this culture is. (even nowadays, my gma sometimes talk about mom, as well as my auntie..her other nyab..to me and what she dont like) so just be patient. they said...thaum koj mus ua ib tug nyab lawm, koj yuav tsu ua lub siab ntev..koj yuav tsu mloog niam poj txiv yawg cov lus thiab nquag ua hauj lwm..ces niam poj txiv yawg thiaj li nyiam thiab hlub.

best of luck to you tho! and dont give up!! im sure they;ll come to like u soon enough ^-^

 

[lady_sati]

being a good nyab, you have to live the way they live.
if they like to eat chicken a lot but you cook beef, of course they gonna say something.

but dont worry.
through my brilliant observation, no new nyab is free of gossip when they enter a family.
people will find something bad to say even if there's nothing.
BUT over time if you keep being a good person and positive, they will see you in a good light.

and yes, if your husband has good intentions, listen to him.

through my nyab's life i think being an obiedent nyab is best.
example, when the mother-n-law yells at you, just listen and answer her nicely.
cause if you talk back, you dont win regardless, cause bad talk will spread.

interact more. talk more happily and smile more.
it's okay if you work and go to school till late, that's fine.
just do your best to be your best regardless if they say it's not enough.

*rants*

i'll add more later.

 

[pink_juliet_kashie]

YM gurl is right if in ur heart you want to be a good nyab and know that u are trying ur best than you are...

but sometimes you can be the best and not be the best for THEM...

don't worry to much 'bout it...hmong ppl do say tat wen you marry the guy u marry the whole family but tats only to a certain extent...i say as long as you and ur hubby understand each other respect each other love each other than don't worry too much bout ppl taking behind ur back...they're not the one who is going to determin ur marriage and ur life

 

[yaksoh]

my advice...
you did nothing wrong and you should leave your hubby
cuz they gettin ur money from ur pocket and not appreciating ur help

but if u wanna suffer, then stay w/ hubby and his parents
always having that guilty feeling all years long

 

[mydeepscar]

my advice...
you did nothing wrong and you should leave your hubby
cuz they gettin ur money from ur pocket and not appreciating ur help

but if u wanna suffer, then stay w/ hubby and his parents
always having that guilty feeling all years long

I was thinking about leaving him but I can't do that because I have a kid and i don't my parent to have bad name....i keep on telling myself things will get better but gosh! i made the wrong choice for married him, I should have known that he will never change ( been dating for 4 years before we got married) What should I do???????????

 

[YM_gurl]

I was thinking about leaving him but I can't do that because I have a kid and i don't my parent to have bad name....i keep on telling myself things will get better but gosh! i made the wrong choice for married him, I should have known that he will never change ( been dating for 4 years before we got married) What should I do???????????

Sorry, i wasn't quote to this but can i say something? hehee

I am not telling you to leave your husband but this is how i see married Hmong girl's today.

their husband treat them like shiet and yet they still decide to married their husband. and make excuses for their husband that because of this and that, he is like this. HECK NO!

No one knows how you feel and how you live your life but yourself, sometimes you need to put your pride behind your back and ask yourself what you really deserve. I am only saying this if your husband mistreat you but if he is not and it's only the in-laws. Girl, who cares. You are not married to the in-laws. You didn't date the parents before you married your husband, when you got married to your husband, who was at the table w/you? who did you leave with? who do you sleep with? and it goes on forever. LOL

Btw, all guys are assholes. You know what's best for you and who cares about your parent's having a bad name. There are a lot of divorced girl's out there too and its not like you asked for it. If the husband is an ass and refuse to change things to get better and to be a better person then hey, door is closing. good bye. hahaa this is how things work for me. You can't always forgive people and hope for the best when that person doesn't care and is not doing anything to change anything what-so-ever.

-Sorry i hope i didn't say anything offensive here if i did, i apologized. Best luck to you.

 

[lauj_starlights]

youre guys life sounds so depressing...

im scared for myself already. but any ways this is to help you guys...
my mom taught me that once youre out of the house, youre suppose to
love your in-laws more than you love your own parents. because as in this culture,
girls are not so important. when they leave, they leave. my mom teaching is reasonable
and a lot for me to not remember but this own is probably the top priority.

but as in for your situation, i do believe that your in-laws are asking for too much.
since you cook n clean and they need to know that you have school too and
you even pay them for babysitting! i am sure they are just asking too much from you.
You need a break girlfriend!