Marriage in the Hmong community...

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SuabCoobThoj

sarNie Egg
Not sure if this subject have been brought up yet or not, but I'd like to discuss this issue with you guys.

Why is it that Hmong people are getting married at such a young age in America? I've seen girls that got married at age 12!!! That's just crazy don't you guys think? Many of my female cousins and some of the girls I know got married at around 16 and under. The guys on the other hand usually married at 20 and under. In my opinion, I think this is rediculous.

I mean, do you guys already have the thoughts of raising a family at 15, 16, 17, or even 12!? Many of the times, the married couples can't even support themselves yet. Both are still either in school or just working part time jobs and living off of their parents.

I've just turned 20 and I can't even imagine myself raising a family at this age. To be honest, I still feel like a kid at times. B) So I don't know how one is able to take on such a role at such young ages. My theory is that kids are watching too much dramas and turning it into a reality. :lol: Also, I feel like there's some sort of insecurity among kids these days. The thoughts of "If I lose him or her, I might not find another person" or feeling left out because all their friends have lovers. Many times, I even sense a sense desperation from some of these kids and it's just crazy. Therefore, I don't believe many of these marriages are that of anything serious but more of playing family.

I don't intend to offend anyone so please don't take this personal in any way. So what are some of your thoughts on this issue?
 
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mvshutters

sarNie Egg
SuabCoobThoj said:
Not sure if this subject have been brought up yet or not, but I'd like to discuss this issue with you guys.

Why is it that Hmong people are getting married at such a young age in America? I've seen girls that got married at age 12!!! That's just crazy don't you guys think? Many of my female cousins and some of the girls I know got married at around 16 and under. The guys on the other hand usually married at 20 and under. In my opinion, I think this is rediculous.

I mean, do you guys already have the thoughts of raising a family at 15, 16, 17, or even 12!? Many of the times, the married couples can't even support themselves yet. Both are still either in school or just working part time jobs and living off of their parents.

I've just turned 20 and I can't even imagine myself raising a family at this age. To be honest, I still feel like a kid at times. B) So I don't know how one is able to take on such a role at such young ages. My theory is that kids are watching too much dramas and turning it into a reality. :lol: Also, I feel like there's some sort of insecurity among kids these days. The thoughts of "If I lose him or her, I might not find another person" or feeling left out because all their friends have lovers. Many times, I even sense a sense desperation from some of these kids and it's just crazy. Therefore, I don't believe many of these marriages are that of anything serious but more of playing family.

I don't intend to offend anyone so please don't take this personal in any way. So what are some of your thoughts on this issue?
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20 is nothing...wait until your 25 like me and not marry....


but anyhow to comment on what you said....

i think that most girls who get marry at ayoung age usually does it because they want a way out of their parents house..... I feel that it is sometimes the parents fault for not giving their children the freedom that they see others have..... but i also think that it is also the kids fault for wanting something that the parents cannot simply produce out of thin air...


but for the girls who get marry young..they are most likely the ones that get divorce once they reach a certain age...
 
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SuabCoobThoj

sarNie Egg
Still, I don't see that as a reason for getting married unless they just did it out of anger. Humans will never be satisfied no matter what. Once you've gotten this, you're gonna want that and so on. I do agree with you that the ones who usually married young tend to end up in divorces. Either that or they usually end up living with hardships and miseries.

One factor I think that might influence our Hmong girls to marry at such a young age is stereotyping. Hmong girls are known to marry before they're adults, so any girl who's over 18 tend to be seen as leftovers or something is wrong with them that's why she's not married yet. Parents are a contributing factor as well. I'm sure you guys have heard your parents said something similar to this once or heard someone said it before, "Koj tsis yuav txiv (or poj niam) tam sim no ces tsam luas hnub koj laus ces tsis muaj neeg yuav koj." Regardless if anyone took this statement seriously or not, I truly believe it played a major roll in our young kids' heads.
 
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Fearless

sarNie Adult
One factor I know for sure why some young teenage girls get marry so soon is because they get pregnant and you know in the hmong culture or most Asian cultures it is shameful to have a child out of wedlock. I'm 24 and not married yet but I have a boyfriend and we're both very cautious because we both think education comes first. Sometimes I just feel like some young teenagers these days are either irresponsible or they just don't have any goals and ambitions that's why they chose that path. Most of the people I know that get marry young due to pregnancy didn't even finish high school and just started working low-paying jobs just for enough money to get by and care for the baby. I don't know what these people are thinking. I just feel sorry for them. Sorry if anyone is in this situation and feels offended by this.
 
cecilia

cecilia

Staff member
could be family issue that push them that far .
but alot of time, they dont' take precaution too ..
 
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macli

sarNie Hatchling
I just have to reply to this, eventhough this topic has been discussed before. Many of the things that are stated are very much true such as wanting freedom from parents and dumb pregnancy. Taking crap from overly strict parents is not very healthy but it's a way that they do care. However I never came to understand how some parents let or even encourage their kids to date. LIke a friend of mines, when she was in 3rd grade, her parents was like oh she matches your son, they should get to know each other. It just reminds me one time in my life, my dad is someone who does not agree with dating until we graduate from college and my mom is to a certain degree, my mom gave me a little talk about having a boyfriend is okay but just date someone decent. I don't like to do things in the shadow because it'll eventually get out so I didn't bother with taking in the words.
Enough with the parents, it's also the circle of friends that you associate yourself with. Others than that it's just how you are yourself. The person who decides to do most of the things in life is yourself. In the end there's only yourself to blame for, for not having the right mind to think straight.

Seriously some guys thinks that not having a boyfriend is strange for a girl. When you tell them that you're interested not because of them but just not interested because you have better things to do, they just don't get it. They think you're stuck up or is thinking they're not good enough talk to you. Their theory is that every girl wants or is in need of a man but some are playing hard to get. Those kinds of people I want to shoot down...hahaha. I've also met some girls or women.

About me, I'm glad and am not glad at the same that my parents are the way they are. We live in a authoritarian household where pretty much you have to worship your parents as the ones who gave life to you. They put us down and thinks the worst of us most of the time...this i will prove that they're wrong...

There's many things that I really do not understand about some parents and the minds of some people, I guess it's because of the way I was raised. But then I bet many people don't understand me as well.

Words to those who are not married yet and am old like me ahhaa, I'm happy that we made it this far and am trying to accomplish something we want before starting a family. It's not the fun road but it'll make other people respect you even if you don't look the part. ahahaha Keep it up and it's okay to be labeled as an old maid, it's the 21th century after all.
 
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nkaujhmooblauj

sarNie Adult
uhm.. some kids get married young because they are "in love" at the moment
then.. most of them end up with kids and divorced
 
cecilia

cecilia

Staff member
love .. love ..
haven't' ppl know ..
money is the TOP priority of all marriage
how can you be happy and be homeless.
 
madalia3

madalia3

sarNie Hatchling
wow...wells that is true that kids these days get married too young...but those r the unsmart kids, not saying that anyone is dumb..but i do think its really dumb because theyre ruining their lives at such a young age..they dont think wat will happen in the future...and all that stuff and the places they should get to before getting married like skool..i'm only 15, but i have never thought of getting married that young. because i know i have a future ahead of me dedicated to skool and family first...i can fall in love anytime..or maybe i just havent found the rite guy yet, which i havent...but still i would never get married that young and ruin my life....and i dont care if i have to get married when i'm older like in my late 20s or watever as long as my life is going good and i have a good job to support me for when i do get married...so like yea...cause i do know alot of young girls these days getting married really young too...like it disgusts me cause its like they;re degrading themselves and u dont even know wat love is yet...u just think its love for wat u have rite nows..buts its not. so yea...these kind of marriages hardly work out and they should know that...but i guess it's their life...and they should learn from their own mistakes and stuff so yea.
 
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hias0701

sarNie Egg
Been there done that!!! Not offended at all by every ones opinions. I'm always trying to stop the one's that think they are so in love from getting married, but they never listen they have to find out by themselves. Later they come back to me and say why didn't I tie them up and not let them do it.. I'd have to say I agree and disagree with some of the comments above. In my case I wasn't so lucky; I was forced in an arranged marriage with a relative of my mom's when I was 14. Was not due to the fact that we got caught sleeping together or going out late or some stupid reason; my parents really liked him. He was suppose to marry my older sister but she ran off and got married to someone else. So my parents told him don't worried we still have so many daughters left, come anytime and take anyone of the other ones. So I ended up being the lucky one, being the second oldest; they came 2 years later. I can still remember it was the summer before my 9th grade year.. Never thought about marriage at that age either.

From my experience and from observing all the youngsters around me getting married so young here's my take on it. I tell everyone DO NOT GET MARRIED SO YOUNG LIVE LIFE A LITTLE FIRST. (Oh yes I'm divorced and am happily remarried for 10 years now). Yes it really does sadden me to see so many girls getting married so young because like all of you are thinking most (not all) will not last. Why so many divorces? I believe it's due to when one marries so young; you have no clue who you are or what you want in life and most of all you have no clue what you're getting yourself into (the reality of married life vs what you think it is; fun). I believe from your teens to your twenties one grows so much as in maturity and just finding out who one is. Divorces are not due to lack of money (When you marry so young you've never had it, so how can you be missing it? You learn to just deal with your situation as is. Ask anyone who's been through it, they will tell you not having money was a burden but not the cause.) it's due to growing up and apart form each other. I'm not just talking about the girls only also the guys too. Most will realize wow this isn't want I wanted in life and I want more. Now you've got two grown people who are now realizing who their real selves are and they want different things in life (they can both want different things or just one will want different).

Why do are they marrying so young? I think freedom from their parents and thinking that it's always going to be like the dating faze of their relationship (not due to stupidity but ignorance not knowing any better that that's not really how it works).

Why does it happen so much? I think it's our culture as a whole saying "it's okay to marry so young"; this is the message young people receive. We need to change our cultural outlook before we can change this problem. When I think about it.. Back then yes, our parents generation they needed to get married asap and start a family because the more people you have the better off you are for farming purposes. Also it was a disgrace for a girl to be dating at all, if you date you better be thinking is that person good enough to marry (not let me see if this person fits what I want). For our parents that's all they've known (can't really blame them), so marriage ceremonies are carried on like it's no big deal. I believe we need to change our perspective from "family" to "education" first. After we get our education the family thing will always come. If the elders don't support this "young marriage" thing then it wouldn't happen so much. I don't mean they literally support it, they don't want you to do it and bitch about it but all in all they really do support it because they let it happen anyways. If they don't perform the wedding and let it happen it wouldn't. If they (elders) were more open to dating and living together, and the idea that it doesn't mean it's the end of the world less marriages would happen. I really do believe in living together and finding out if you're compatible before marriage or kids thing. This means our younger people need to take on more responsibility and not have kids either before they know that's what they want and even then sometimes it doesn't work but you have a better chance.
 
cecilia

cecilia

Staff member
^I hear you, one of my friend got marry at a young age, she's 26 now .. her life was a struggle too.
now she want to divorce her hubby asap due to many reason .. that's why, young ppl shouldn't marry and make rash decision.
 
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vangsta_1989

sarNie Hatchling
Why care or brought dis up? It's their life so it's up to them. Anyways, they'll never accomplish their dreams by getting married. I guess... Getting married and have a family is their dream?
 
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SuabCoobThoj

sarNie Egg
vangsta_1989 said:
Why care or brought dis up? It's their life so it's up to them. Anyways, they'll never accomplish their dreams by getting married. I guess... Getting married and have a family is their dream?
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Why care? Because this is an issue that needs to be brought up in the Hmong community and people needs to be aware of it. No ones here to stop anyone's decision or regulate how others should live their lives nor bash on anyone who's in this situation. If you feel uncomfortable then you don't have to take part in it.

I don't think having a family is their dream at such young ages, but that's a decision they have very little knowledge of. Our Hmong kids need to be educated about marriage and the consequences that it involves.
 
nancyvang

nancyvang

sarNie Adult
When I hear about a Hmong wedding, my first thought is "she must be pregnant." And ninety nine percent of the time, I always end up being correct.

Sometimes Hmong parents would constantly remind their children... "We only raised you, we won't be there for you when you grow old" or "Peb Tu Nej Hlob Xwb Tsis Yug Nej Laus," maybe it's a fear or pressure.

But I simply think Hmong kids are just too naive. I know many will oppose this idea but Hmong kids (at highschool age ++) should be taught sex education/protection. If they want to mate at least protect yourself. I see couples struggling financially and yet continuing to have children which they can't afford to take care of, this frustrates me alot because I hate seeing children suffer due to their parents irresponsibility.
 
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hias0701

sarNie Egg
SuabCoobThoj said:
Why care? Because this is an issue that needs to be brought up in the Hmong community and people needs to be aware of it. No ones here to stop anyone's decision or regulate how others should live their lives nor bash on anyone who's in this situation. If you feel uncomfortable then you don't have to take part in it.

I don't think having a family is their dream at such young ages, but that's a decision they have very little knowledge of. Our Hmong kids need to be educated about marriage and the consequences that it involves.
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I totally agree.. It should be brought up.. It is a big problem. I for one don't want other kids to make the mistake I had to live with.. I do wish the elders would play a bigger role in stopping it, but I believe it will be up to us younger generations to change it.. And if we are not aware and don't care enough how are we going to change it? And as for what vangsta said they don't accomplish their dreams.... I for one have tried very hard despite what has happened to me to accomplish my dreams.. I so far have beaten the odds. It's said most who get married and have kids don't finish high school. Well I got married and pregnant and when to a main stream high school graduated with honors too. Went to college; that's when my life went crazy for a while (split from husband). They say the odds of going back to college after you drop out are very low... I got remarried and had a couple more kids.. And bought a nice house, got nice cars.. had jobs; made money.. Now I'm back in college and am on the dean's list every semester.. will be done with my finance degree in 1 more year.. I've accomplished most of my dreams and this was the last of them to get my degree and after that I'm going for my masters.. Oh and you know what I'm still not done yet.. I'm even going abroad this winter for a study abroad program too.. I'm just saying it has nothing to do with being married or not(yes when you are married you are a little more limited, but one is only as limited as they think they are); I know a lot of people who are not married and they have no ambition to do anything to further themselves either. Why do I feel so strong about this?? I recently had a conversation with one of my professors from Taiwan. As he put it what is going on with the Hmong?? He recently went to a conference and it was brought up that lots of other Asian groups are very well educated most are educated beyond their masters and the Hmong seem to be having trouble just graduating from high school. Cause when you are well educated one will be more financially secure too. He wanted to know why?? I could not answer him.. It's very sad because I knew this was one of the problems, don't even know where to start in addressing the issue..
 
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nkaujhmooblauj

sarNie Adult
^^ you think OGs are going to try to stop this?
OGs are the ones that force kids to marry each other...
reputation is everything to them...
 
Mae

Mae

sarNie Adult
nancyvang said:
When I hear about a Hmong wedding, my first thought is "she must be pregnant." And ninety nine percent of the time, I always end up being correct.
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I find this more common nowadays. It wasn't so common until the 2000s when Hmong children starting sleeping around more and cohabitating... When I started college a few years ago, I was so shock some of the Hmong couples were living/sleeping with each other and weren't married... Guess I was extremely sheltered and it totally caught me off guard. Personally, I don't believe in premarital sex and cohabitation, but a lot of Hmong kids seem to be fine with it as long as their parents don't know! I'm not a FOB or anything, considering I was born and raised in the United States in both cultures. My parents allowed me to become Americanized, yet I still value my Hmong culture and roots and still follow majority of the traditional beliefs...
 
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