Will you ever girls?

[YM_gurl]

Whether your married or planning to get married, will you ever speak up at your wedding?

Say, your parent's asked for 7 grand but your soon to be husband side refuse to pay the 7 grand and wants to pay the set up price, 5 grand. Will you talk to your parents to lower the price down so you can marry your soon to be husband? or will you just let the OG'S handle it?

If you are willing to speak up, why?
If you are not willing to speak up, why?

I will like to hear from all of you.

 

[ceda_lee]

There will be no talking. If my soon to-be-husband's side of the family refuse to pay the amount my parents request, then the wedding is OVER. I don't know how other families are like and what their intention is when asking for certain amount of dowry, but I know my parents too well. To me, that would be very disrespectful to my parents. They wouldn't ask for higher than the usual amount anyways. I'd make sure my boyfriend/soon to-be-husband inform his elders, shall that topic ever come up when his side of the family talk amongst themselves. If his family don't have the 7 grand up front and agree to eventually pay at a later time, then that is absolutely fine.

 

[nancyvang]

I don't know about the rest but about the dowry being 7 grand. I think it's a bit too pricey unless the girl is a college graduate, has her master, is a doctor (something to that extent), has never been married...then that's worth the 7 grand.

But if I was a man I rather use my 7 grand to buy a new car. lol. Just kidding. Anyway...stick to the limitation that is set by the Hmong community. I think 5,000 is the limitation or average price nowadays from what I heard.

I just think the dowry should be reasonable. If you're the girl just understand that, if the husband use all his money and had loaned money from his relatives, he won't have any left to start a life with you.

 

[YM_gurl]

I don't know about the rest but about the dowry being 7 grand. I think it's a bit too pricey unless the girl is a college graduate, has her master, is a doctor (something to that extent), has never been married...then that's worth the 7 grand.

But if I was a man I rather use my 7 grand to buy a new car. lol. Just kidding. Anyway...stick to the limitation that is set by the Hmong community. I think 5,000 is the limitation or average price nowadays from what I heard.

I just think the dowry should be reasonable. If you're the girl just understand that, if the husband use all his money and had loaned money from his relatives, he won't have any left to start a life with you.

I know girl's who were worth 10 grand because they were the last girl and they were still in high school too. no education, no nothing. Ridiculous but both side agreed to it and the husband side paid so hehe. I personally think that if a guy really want to marry the girl, he will pay at any cost. no questions ask.

And if you really think about it, 7 grand is not a lot nor is 5 grand too little. It really depends on what both side agrees to, that's all it matters but are you saying you will speak at your wedding if the negotiation to the dowry was to go down, NancyVang?

It's just a random question, there is no right or wrong answer. I just want to know how many girl's will speak at their wedding and how many wouldn't, because I have never came across something like this but someone mention it in another forum. I was quite amazed.

Also, I totally agreed with you CedaLee. I don't think I can speak at my wedding, it's a total disgrace and very disrespectful to my family and relatives.

 

[nancyvang]

I respect my elders I won't speak to them about it because this is "neeg laus cov business," lol. Besides that I would had made sure my guy can pay the bill before he made the purchase. I'm not really fond of this but it's after all tradition. I'm in between, this sort of make a girl feel like an animal (being bought off) but at the same time it's insurance so that the guy wouldn't take the girl for granted.

As for a girl worth 10 grand because of being the last girl and being in high school, no education, no nothing... It's not my right to say at what age a person should be married, but if you haven't gotten your High School diploma you shouldn't even be married (the guy should waited). I personally think that's not a good enough excuse for being worth 10 grand unless you add all those excuse plus the fact that the guy kidnap her then that might sum up the 10 grand.

But do keep in mind for example...if a Vue girl married a Her boy and the Her boy paid a large sum for her. Then if there's an occasion in the future which a Vue boy marries a Her girl, the Her's will charge them a load of sum as well.

Okay so I'm a Nkauj Laus...Been the green lady too many times to know it well enough and heard enough.

So far I can tell you I never heard of a girl asking their parents to lower the dowry. For sure if she does the parent will go "we're not your parents any longer." Hmong parents like to use this threat alot. Also..."if you want him so much go run off with him, when he treats you ill don't come back."

I don't know if it's just me but the majority of weddings that I've gone to, I always find out that just a few days after the wedding they come out that they are pregnant. Just a few months after the announcement they already have the baby. So summing it all up the majority of girl were pregnant before marriage. :eyetwitch: I hate people who try to cover up. Sorry this has nothing to do with it but just wanted to let it all out...

 

[YM_gurl]

I respect my elders I won't speak to them about it because this is "neeg laus cov business," lol. Besides that I would had made sure my guy can pay the bill before he made the purchase. I'm not really fond of this but it's after all tradition. I'm in between, this sort of make a girl feel like an animal (being bought off) but at the same time it's insurance so that the guy wouldn't take the girl for granted.

As for a girl worth 10 grand because of being the last girl and being in high school, no education, no nothing... It's not my right to say at what age a person should be married, but if you haven't gotten your High School diploma you shouldn't even be married (the guy should waited). I personally think that's not a good enough excuse for being worth 10 grand unless you add all those excuse plus the fact that the guy kidnap her then that might sum up the 10 grand.

But do keep in mind for example...if a Vue girl married a Her boy and the Her boy paid a large sum for her. Then if there's an occasion in the future which a Vue boy marries a Her girl, the Her's will charge them a load of sum as well.

Okay so I'm a Nkauj Laus...Been the green lady too many times to know it well enough and heard enough.

So far I can tell you I never heard of a girl asking their parents to lower the dowry. For sure if she does the parent will go "we're not your parents any longer." Hmong parents like to use this threat alot. Also..."if you want him so much go run off with him, when he treats you ill don't come back."

I don't know if it's just me but the majority of weddings that I've gone to, I always find out that just a few days after the wedding they come out that they are pregnant. Just a few months after the announcement they already have the baby. So summing it all up the majority of girl were pregnant before marriage. :eyetwitch: I hate people who try to cover up. Sorry this has nothing to do with it but just wanted to let it all out...

yep, i totally know what your saying. Hmong culture or shall I say Hmong marriage is too complicated. If you do or say this then don't forget about that and blah blah blah. it goes on forever lol

As for the example, you gave. I know! that happens. at the same time, depends how the negotiation goes. sometimes the guy side even get discount. I see it odd but sure ok. haha

And yes! a few wedding these days, girl's do get pregnant before marriage. LOL
But i wont go there because it's not my business. haha

 

[rukmos]

I really don't like the whole "bride Price", but it's a wedding tradition set upon by our ancestors so I respect that as part of my culture. I'm not going to speak up and would make sure that my soon-to-be husband knows how much he has to pay, but I think that if a guy has to pay 7000 or UP for the girl, there should be some insurance on it...

Like if the girl got lazy or if she has an affair with another man, the husband should get some of that money back...If the husband is a nice guy and even got the elders involve to have the "chat" with the wife and nothing works, of course

Money doesn't flow like water or grow on leaves and ripe for the picking...money comes from hard work no matter if the person is rich or poor so insurance for all that money going out would be good...

 

[yaksoh]

i would say s.t.
even tough it will be a bridegroom-to-be embarrassment
cuz my soon-to-be in-laws are stingy
and cut off the ties --- wedding over
also fine some kind of protection
cuz hmong pplz these days
been cursing too much

 

[ceda_lee]

:coverlaf:

I really don't like the whole "bride Price", but it's a wedding tradition set upon by our ancestors so I respect that as part of my culture. I'm not going to speak up and would make sure that my soon-to-be husband knows how much he has to pay, but I think that if a guy has to pay 7000 or UP for the girl, there should be some insurance on it...

Like if the girl got lazy or if she has an affair with another man, the husband should get some of that money back...If the husband is a nice guy and even got the elders involve to have the "chat" with the wife and nothing works, of course

Money doesn't flow like water or grow on leaves and ripe for the picking...money comes from hard work no matter if the person is rich or poor so insurance for all that money going out would be good...

:coverlaf: insurance...too funny.

In most cases when the husband returns the girl because the girl was at fault, the bride's parents does return some of the dowry money. So, there is a return policy...haha.

Kuv paub ib cov niam txiv mam lawv STINGY heev li. Xav sau nyiaj ntau ntau even though lawv tus ntxhais tseem me me thiab kawm ntawv tsis tau tiav high school.

 

[stephanie]

yes! it depends on the individual also, i'm very blunt so i'll say whatever that is on my mind. haha.... or in another case wont the groom family just leave if the brides side wont lower it? and isnt 5 grand a little low? i mean, like if the bride to be was a lazy girl, it's understandable and stuff. for example, a girl i know was around 6 grand and her older sister was only 5... she wasnt very likable, lazy,had no manors, and got sent back from a previous family. and then after issue our hmong community was like "no hmong brides cant be over 5" but i'm sure most wont give a crap and charge(???? ^^) whatever amount they want.

so, here's another question ^^ my second cousin is married to a yang and i'm engaged to a yang, they are from the same family, but do my parents base my dowdry on what my cousin got his wife for or on what my sister was???

 

[YM_gurl]

yes! it depends on the individual also, i'm very blunt so i'll say whatever that is on my mind. haha.... or in another case wont the groom family just leave if the brides side wont lower it? and isnt 5 grand a little low? i mean, like if the bride to be was a lazy girl, it's understandable and stuff. for example, a girl i know was around 6 grand and her older sister was only 5... she wasnt very likable, lazy,had no manors, and got sent back from a previous family. and then after issue our hmong community was like "no hmong brides cant be over 5" but i'm sure most wont give a crap and charge(???? ^^) whatever amount they want.

so, here's another question ^^ my second cousin is married to a yang and i'm engaged to a yang, they are from the same family, but do my parents base my dowdry on what my cousin got his wife for or on what my sister was???

in your case, it depends. all cases are different like the one example you gave, wheather the daughter is lazy or not. however since your cousin is married to a yang, during the negotiation of your wedding. if they bring it up, it's possible that the dowry can be drop a few hundreds. I've seen it at weddings.

 

[nancyvang]

Kyocera09 is right in all cases it's different and it depends if they bring it up or not. Also the dowry isn't just your parents decision alone the relatives who are present at the negotiation has a say in it as well (or can pitch in their advice). I think to have the negotiation go well you just have to have a good mae kong (is that how you spell it), the negotiator.

 

[candi]

I would because my bf and I will pay for our wedding and if my parents ask too much, we'd go broke.

 

[nkaujhmoobyaj]

It's been very interesting reading what everyone has been posting about this topic. First of all, I don't think I have any problem with having a "bride price" in a wedding. As a girl, i don't see the bride price as my parents selling me to my husband's family. if you think about it really, the husband only pays 5-10 thousand for the the bride but in return, the bride gets so many gifts that probably add up to almost the same amount. Some brides even get more than 10 thousand dollars. All of these are not gifts of course, but money that the bride saved too. So if you think about it, the parents are losing their daughter and potential money that their daughter was going to help them with. The bride's parents will always be the one at a loss.
Anyways, that's not why i don't mind the bride price. I've always viewed the bride price as a gift the husband is giving to the parents thanking them for raising the daughter; thus, i don't think it should be negotiable. I understand that parents shouldn't ask too much like 20 thousand or something, but i don't think it's right for other people to tell the parents how much they should ask for because this is their daughter; they raised their daughter with their sweats and suffering.
So will I ever ask my parents to lower my bride price? no! like someone here said above, if my husband's side of the family don't want to give my parents what they ask for then it's almost like they don't want me to be part of their family. Besides, that shows a lot about a family (i don't mean just the family but cousins as i am well aware that sometimes head of the clan and cousins offers suggestions to the groom's parents). I am probably safe to assume that if they don't want to give the money to my parents, they are probably stingy people anyways. who wants to marry into a family that is stingy and value money more than wanting a wife for their son? Think about it, $7,000 can never ever be exchange for a person so why is it too much? I know this is off subject, but why would a car be worth more than a person?

 

[nancyvang]

I was joking on that part. Don't take it seriously.

Even though I highly respect each person's opinion, I'm feeling the girls have forgotten about what the guys have to go through to get that money to pay for the dowry. Yes the parents who has the daughter are at lost but it doesn't mean the to charge the guy's side to the point of bankruptcy just to a make up for it. Beside no one said the girl can't give her parents money or go back to help them once in awhile.

The economy is bad right now and money does not just fall form the sky. 5,000 maximum is suitable...I don't know why but from what I heard the leaders had set it that way. We can't just accuse the guy's side of the family for not wanting us because they don't want to pay the dowry and are stingy, it might be other issue, that they can't come up with the money. You know what we need a guy's insight on this situation about what they think about the dowry of the bride.

Remember guys and gals, the dowry also varies on if a girl ran off with the guy or the guy "qhe tsev hais" came into the house to purpose.

Okay enough of protecting the guy...my side as a girl. As a kid I followed my dad everywhere hunting and fishing, almost like another boy in the family. I'm also there to support my mom emotional when she's down. Mostly the one they rely for comical relief, the child who keep the peace between every siblings. etc. I can name alot of things...but the point is, I don't think 5,000's enough, because I consider myself the heart and soul of the family (I must be conceited :coverlaf: ). However I would already be nice enough to give my guy the heads up about it instead of him finding out at the last minute about the estimation of the dowry.

 

[viceleah]

I have to completely agree with nkaujhmoobyaj. I don't like the idea of a "bride price" or more like I just don't like that title. However, I see it as a way of respect for the raising of the daughter since she was born. The soon to be son-in-law should be able to pay the price if he really wants the daughter. I don't think it's an issue of making the guy go bankrupt, it's just a way of paying respect for the elders. I'm sure a lot of elders take that into consideration too.

Speaking up at a wedding seems disrespectful to the elders so I will never do such a thing. Besides, I don't ever have the guts to do so. Offering your opinions and speaking out your thoughts is a good thing, but in this case, respecting the elders and letting them settle the whole issue is the better choice. These are just my opinions. Who knows, I might have a change of heart someday.

 

[ceda_lee]

Freaking Nancy...so conceited, :lolyup:

Well said Nkaujhmoobyaj.

Right, I make sure my boyfriend knows ahead of time. And he doesn't have to pay right then if he doesn't have the money. He can do a down payment. Yog wb sib hlub tiag ces wb sib yuav ua ntej. Wb mam sib pab khwv los them kuv niam & txiv later. My cousin and her husband finally paid off her dowry after 3 years.

One of my best friend's wedding was very sad. Her boyfriend's side of the family only wanted to pay the $5000, but her parents wanted $7000. They said hell no and while they were leaving, he got on his knees, cried and begged my friend's parents. He asked them to forgive his elders because it's them, not him and that he would work hard to pay them the dowry himself. It was an emotional wedding. Now, they are doing just fine. 4 kids, bought a nice house last year and her in-laws love her now cause she's a good daughter in law.

 

[nancyvang]

You are right, ceda_lee. Sometimes a wedding doesn't go through is because of the elders. There was one occasion where the groom couldn't pay (even though he has the money) because his elders told him if they were to pay beyond the limit that was set by the leader (I don't know if it's the leader of the clan or the whole community) but if he didn't respect the maximum that was set by the leader than the elders say he would be disrespecting the leader. It went on for days and I didn't really pull through the whole ordeal but they wedding did proceed with a happy ending. The groom really loved her. And they made him "pes" so tiring... :lolyup: to prove his love as well.

 

[pangnerlicious]

i always plan for my wedding..its happening in 8 years..lolol..im excited..and i cant wait..hehehe
but no..i wouldnt do that..i mean..7 grand is suppose to be the maximum.

 

[rainie_vang]

Whether your married or planning to get married, will you ever speak up at your wedding?

Say, your parent's asked for 7 grand but your soon to be husband side refuse to pay the 7 grand and wants to pay the set up price, 5 grand. Will you talk to your parents to lower the price down so you can marry your soon to be husband? or will you just let the OG'S handle it?

If you are willing to speak up, why?
If you are not willing to speak up, why?

I will like to hear from all of you.

haha! What the shit!
...iiKNOW my parents&&I hate those
who want 7 grand for their daughers but
she ain't no good at all...
for example, no job, not pretty, and yet, lazy;

But in general, I don't think the girls
should speak up against their parents.
This makes her seem desparate for the guy and
EVEN disrespectful towards them.
If the guy refused to pay, then that
means he doesn't want her badly enough.