Afraid of commitment??

[ohitsnoyyy]

Okay so I've been talking/seeing this guy (who is also my friend) for about 3 months. We're not official yet simply because I think I have a problem with commitment. He told me he wanted to make it official. he said he wanted a relationship-- but once he said relationship, I just freaked out. I told him I'm not ready. It felt like my guards were going up again. He's not in a rush to make it official or anything, he just thought he'd ask me to see how it would go.

The problem is this guy is just an amazing person... He's done so much for me. He's gotten so much stuff for me, all my friends are telling me I'm crazy for not making it official. I mean he's gotten me an itouch, a Vincent Jackson jersey, gift cards to forever 21, sephora, starbucks, and the list goes on. For my lil sister's birthday he got her an itouch too & he got her a chargers jersey... My lil sister absolutely adores him... he even does a lot of my family. The material things don't matter to me. I don't ask for it, he just remembers me talking about it & he goes out & gets it for me. He says he's not a problem but I still feel guilty for taking it from him. if i'm ever in trouble, i know he will be there in a quickness. Not to mention, he's throwing me a birthday party in Vegas for halloween. He got me a big ass suite.... I mean, talk about spoiling a girl.

The question , what the hell is wrong with me!? I have a guy who's sweet, kind, a true gentleman (he always pays, even when i try to pay he won't let me) generous to my family, treats me with the utmost respect, gives me freedom & yet I can't be in a relationship with him. When I tell my friends all the things he's done for me, they think i'm crazy for not making him my boyfriend & they tell me I'm lucky to have a guy like that & i think i am... but yet I can't say yes to him... Even all his friends are telling me that I'm lucky to have a guy like him.

So why can't I say yes...? Am I blind or something...?
someone help me out... My mind's just running with thoughts,
trying to figure out why i can't say commit...

 

[rakcharm]

hmm sounds like you don't like this guy enough even though he sounds like the nicest guy out there in terms of materialistic gifts (hehe j/k and other things). i think that if you really like him you'd probably say yes already. you probably don't even have to think about it just like a natural instinct. or maybe you just don't want to be attach to anyone and have fun and enjoy your freedom.

maybe you can ask him for more time as friends. i don't see anything wrong with time. certainly you would want to be friends first and not rush into a relationship with someone whom you have just met. if he really likes you, which sounds like he does, he'll wait. but if later you decide not to then just tell him the truth don't lead him on. then you move on. simple?

 

[ohitsnoyyy]

LOL. That was very smart of me to leave out that the fact that i like him. & I really do like him. It's been a long time since I had these feelings for a guy. Hell-- it's been a long time since i've been with a guy... The feelings I get when i'm with him is hard to describe. It's just the best feeling in the world. He can brighten up my day when i'm feeling down. I can talk to him for hours & the conversation is never boring. He makes me laugh like no tomorrow & it's just a great when i'm with him.

Maybe it's just fear of getting close to someone, since i have been let down in the past. I guess maybe I'm afraid that he might lose feelings for me, since all the guys that i've talked to in the past always seem to have another girl in mind & I don't want to go back to square one...

Thanks rukcharm for your input it's time to start pondering in my thoughts again. haha

 

[7270]

You pretty much answered your question. Just something to ponder that only you will figure out. It could be something like an underlying fear you're not aware of yet. Or he could just not be the one you're looking for, although he may seem perfect.

I was like you since the 6th grade. No lie. Divorced parents and all. So I don't believe anyone can stay in love for long, and what's the point. Every time I pursued a girl and it got serious, I fled. Took some time since then, but I eventually met a girl who was very understanding and patient. Never felt pushed by her in any way. That made all the difference.

Oh and she was a commitment phobe, too. That helped. Seriously, the girl broke up 3 very perfect relationships.

Good luck to you.

 

[Mya]

He sounds like a good guy and if I were you, I’d give it a try. Choosing to be in a relationship is scary because you‘re putting your heart on the line, but I think the possibility of finding true love is totally worth it. And remember that every relationship will have its ups and downs; it’s those moments of difficulties that make the relationship grow stronger. So if you like him and he likes you, I think you should go for it! Don’t let the fear of getting hurt pull you back or else you might end up all alone!

By the way, I love the quote you have as your signature!

 

[YM_gurl]

Okay so I've been talking/seeing this guy (who is also my friend) for about 3 months. We're not official yet simply because I think I have a problem with commitment. He told me he wanted to make it official. he said he wanted a relationship-- but once he said relationship, I just freaked out. I told him I'm not ready. It felt like my guards were going up again. He's not in a rush to make it official or anything, he just thought he'd ask me to see how it would go.

The problem is this guy is just an amazing person... He's done so much for me. He's gotten so much stuff for me, all my friends are telling me I'm crazy for not making it official. I mean he's gotten me an itouch, a Vincent Jackson jersey, gift cards to forever 21, sephora, starbucks, and the list goes on. For my lil sister's birthday he got her an itouch too & he got her a chargers jersey... My lil sister absolutely adores him... he even does a lot of my family. The material things don't matter to me. I don't ask for it, he just remembers me talking about it & he goes out & gets it for me. He says he's not a problem but I still feel guilty for taking it from him. if i'm ever in trouble, i know he will be there in a quickness. Not to mention, he's throwing me a birthday party in Vegas for halloween. He got me a big ass suite.... I mean, talk about spoiling a girl.

The question , what the hell is wrong with me!? I have a guy who's sweet, kind, a true gentleman (he always pays, even when i try to pay he won't let me) generous to my family, treats me with the utmost respect, gives me freedom & yet I can't be in a relationship with him. When I tell my friends all the things he's done for me, they think i'm crazy for not making him my boyfriend & they tell me I'm lucky to have a guy like that & i think i am... but yet I can't say yes to him... Even all his friends are telling me that I'm lucky to have a guy like him.

So why can't I say yes...? Am I blind or something...?
someone help me out... My mind's just running with thoughts,
trying to figure out why i can't say commit...

Dang girl, he is super nice to you. what's wrong with you? lmao jk
Ok, I was once, in your shoes too. But i found out that the guy that
liked me, i wasn't that into him. He was my friend, a very nice friend
but i didn't like him and see him in that kind of way, even if he did
everything for me. I just couldn't accept him. And because he was a nice
and understanding person, he had no problem after how i told him how i feel for him.
We continued to be friends, yet i was scared to lose him as a friend too.

So you have to ask yourself this two question?

-Do you like him as a boyfriend? Can you see yourself dating him?

if any of your answer is no then girl, you don't like him enough to date him.
you should let him know. good luck! and keep us updated!!

 

[ohitsnoyyy]

You pretty much answered your question. Just something to ponder that only you will figure out. It could be something like an underlying fear you're not aware of yet. Or he could just not be the one you're looking for, although he may seem perfect.

I was like you since the 6th grade. No lie. Divorced parents and all. So I don't believe anyone can stay in love for long, and what's the point. Every time I pursued a girl and it got serious, I fled. Took some time since then, but I eventually met a girl who was very understanding and patient. Never felt pushed by her in any way. That made all the difference.

Oh and she was a commitment phobe, too. That helped. Seriously, the girl broke up 3 very perfect relationships.

Good luck to you.

haha. my situation is a little bit different than yours. I never had a serious relationship before. I mean, there was always the "process of a relationship" but I notice after 3 months, it goes down hill & i find myself being single again. So this whole thing between me & him is sort of new to me (& to him). He's patient, understanding & all that stuff & he's definitely not rushing it... but yeah like you said, i think i answered my own question. too much thinking. haha.

He sounds like a good guy and if I were you, I’d give it a try. Choosing to be in a relationship is scary because you‘re putting your heart on the line, but I think the possibility of finding true love is totally worth it. And remember that every relationship will have its ups and downs; it’s those moments of difficulties that make the relationship grow stronger. So if you like him and he likes you, I think you should go for it! Don’t let the fear of getting hurt pull you back or else you might end up all alone!

By the way, I love the quote you have as your signature!

Thanks for the advice Mya. I know I should give it a try. I mean, I'm always telling people to give others a chance & look what i'm doing-- stalling myself & i'm beginning to realize why i'm stalling. Fear of him hurting me, fear of losing him to some other girl (a lot of guys that i've talk to in the past has led me on & left me for another girl). I've told him that as of right now, I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship because of fear. With all the things he's done for me, he's proven to me that he is different from the other guys in my past. Yet, i can't take the step in this whole situation.

I think I'm making it more complicated than it really is. LOL.

Dang girl, he is super nice to you. what's wrong with you? lmao jk
Ok, I was once, in your shoes too. But i found out that the guy that
liked me, i wasn't that into him. He was my friend, a very nice friend
but i didn't like him and see him in that kind of way, even if he did
everything for me. I just couldn't accept him. And because he was a nice
and understanding person, he had no problem after how i told him how i feel for him.
We continued to be friends, yet i was scared to lose him as a friend too.

So you have to ask yourself this two question?

-Do you like him as a boyfriend? Can you see yourself dating him?

if any of your answer is no then girl, you don't like him enough to date him.
you should let him know. good luck! and keep us updated!!

LOL. I've known him for 4 years. He dated one of my friend back in high school, but she cheated on him. So he was bummed. We were close. We'd call each other here & there. I always knew he had a crush for me but he never told me. I just figured it out by the way he acts & looks at me. Plus his friends kept telling me he's in love with me. HAHA. I just wasn't into him like that. Until this year, we just started hanging out more & I got to know him on a different level. He just showed me a different side to him (his sensitive side haha) & it just blew me away. So that's when i realize I was slowly catching feelings for him. In fact, i was the first one who told him I liked him.

I mean, I can see myself with him (boyfriend/girlfriend status) but just not right at this moment. Technically we are dating, just unofficially. lol. Taking that next step is hard for me. Especially coming from a girl who never really had a serious relationship, so that might be something else that's preventing me for taking this chance.

Gosh, i'm just answering my own questions.... haha.

 

[Thookatha]

life is about testing the waters. no matter how afraid you are of what may or may not be, you must let it happen naturally. you like him...he likes you...that's a start...and in ur case, there's already plenty of icing on the cake. the only way you will learn is to experience things. relationships and love are always the scariest endeavors in life...mainly because you know you have to begin sharing your...EVERYTHING...with someone else. however, if you don't let the lessons happen, you may find that you've been walking in the dark. don't set yourself up for too many unpleasant surprises.

also remember that you can set the limits and expectations of how much activity happens. take "activity" however you'd like. it covers everything. good luck, my love. haha

 

[YM_gurl]

LOL. I've known him for 4 years. He dated one of my friend back in high school, but she cheated on him. So he was bummed. We were close. We'd call each other here & there. I always knew he had a crush for me but he never told me. I just figured it out by the way he acts & looks at me. Plus his friends kept telling me he's in love with me. HAHA. I just wasn't into him like that. Until this year, we just started hanging out more & I got to know him on a different level. He just showed me a different side to him (his sensitive side haha) & it just blew me away. So that's when i realize I was slowly catching feelings for him. In fact, i was the first one who told him I liked him.

I mean, I can see myself with him (boyfriend/girlfriend status) but just not right at this moment. Technically we are dating, just unofficially. lol. Taking that next step is hard for me. Especially coming from a girl who never really had a serious relationship, so that might be something else that's preventing me for taking this chance.

Gosh, i'm just answering my own questions.... haha.

Okay!! COOL!! if you can see him as your boyfriend then no problem, but don't make him wait too long!!!! Or else he will hit the road.
He sounds like a really nice guy, don't let him loose aite. hehee

And i can see that maybe you are afraid to get into a serious relationship, for you said you were never in one and there is nothing wrong
with that. You should be scared!!! lmao
I was too, my very first serious relationship. LOL but hey you learn about the ups and downs as you are in the relationship so whenever you are ready, i say give this guy a chance!! hehee He might be the one, never know. hehehee once again, Good luck!!

 

[KhoOnxNouxWanxJai]

^___-" Yeah nothing wrong with being afraid to get into a serious relationship. Heck, I was super afraid to get into a relationship with Tim. I was super hesitant. The next thing you know it turned out to be something great.

Serious relationships have their ups and downs, but the ups are always breath taking. You'll find yourself learning more about yourself and your ability to communicate with others. Sure sometimes there are those rocky patches, but they are all easy to make over and those hard ones to cross over are the ones that teach you meaningful things.

 

[kulyia]

whats there to lose? the itouch? lol. go for it. sounds like a Great guy

 

[ohitsnoyyy]

life is about testing the waters. no matter how afraid you are of what may or may not be, you must let it happen naturally. you like him...he likes you...that's a start...and in ur case, there's already plenty of icing on the cake. the only way you will learn is to experience things. relationships and love are always the scariest endeavors in life...mainly because you know you have to begin sharing your...EVERYTHING...with someone else. however, if you don't let the lessons happen, you may find that you've been walking in the dark. don't set yourself up for too many unpleasant surprises.

also remember that you can set the limits and expectations of how much activity happens. take "activity" however you'd like. it covers everything. good luck, my love. haha

lol activity. sorry, my mind was thinking dirty there... Thanks for the advice Hunn. I think that's what i'm afraid of, testing the water, especially when it's with someone close to me. so it's a bit scary. I've been there many times before so it's hard not to have that mentality that he might screw me over. But I think it's time I take the next step...

Okay!! COOL!! if you can see him as your boyfriend then no problem, but don't make him wait too long!!!! Or else he will hit the road.
He sounds like a really nice guy, don't let him loose aite. hehee

And i can see that maybe you are afraid to get into a serious relationship, for you said you were never in one and there is nothing wrong
with that. You should be scared!!! lmao
I was too, my very first serious relationship. LOL but hey you learn about the ups and downs as you are in the relationship so whenever you are ready, i say give this guy a chance!! hehee He might be the one, never know. hehehee once again, Good luck!!

haha. I know all relationships have its ups & downs, i'm not worried about that. It's just I'm always thinking of the "what if" aftermath of this whole situation. but definitely i'm taking it slowly & if we take the next step, i will fill you in.

^___-" Yeah nothing wrong with being afraid to get into a serious relationship. Heck, I was super afraid to get into a relationship with Tim. I was super hesitant. The next thing you know it turned out to be something great.

Serious relationships have their ups and downs, but the ups are always breath taking. You'll find yourself learning more about yourself and your ability to communicate with others. Sure sometimes there are those rocky patches, but they are all easy to make over and those hard ones to cross over are the ones that teach you meaningful things.

Oh Tina... your words are so encouraging... But yes, the ups are always breath taking. Goodness, this guy isn't even the type of guy I would go for but the little things he's done for me, just takes my breath away. He's just so sweet. His friend's girlfriend was like "if I wasn't dating your friend, I'd so date you." LOL.

whats there to lose? the itouch? lol. go for it. sounds like a Great guy

haha. he is. He might come off as being a prankster around his friends, but when he's with me, it's a whole different story. haha.

 

[KhoOnxNouxWanxJai]

Maybe, you aren't afraid of commitment maybe you are afraid that this guy is too good to be true. That's how I was with the hubby. He treated me way to good to be true. Up until now he treats me way to good to be true and it just scares the living heck out of me because I was too use to dating guys that treat me like crap so now that I'm with someone who treats me perfect I feel that it's too good to be true.

I am very afraid of getting hurt and etc, but at the same time I love the guy to much to use that as the grounds in our marriage. I gave myself a new motto it's better to get hurt being in love than to never have experienced it at all. It's better to know what hurt is. It's like if I knew something could hurt me this much then I knew that there is something that could make me feel so good at one point.

He sounds like a great guy; No one would invest that much into someone they weren't sure of. Not to say that a person is an investment, but I mean emotionally.

 

[Libra078]

I say try it out!! once you step forward theres no turning back!
but if all doesn't work out then you'll know
he'll be there even if you guys are just friends!!

 

[Thookatha]

lol activity. sorry, my mind was thinking dirty there... Thanks for the advice Hunn. I think that's what i'm afraid of, testing the water, especially when it's with someone close to me. so it's a bit scary. I've been there many times before so it's hard not to have that mentality that he might screw me over. But I think it's time I take the next step...

girl, did u just meet me? u've seen my posts. "activity" was specifically intended to cover dirty...although i left it open for ur own interpretation. hahahaha

see it this way...if he is as good and patient as he seems, then he will surely have no problem not touching ur goods if u decide to give the relationship thing a shot. i mean...technically, he's not touching ur goods right now anyways...and he seems fine. haha

by having these limitations, you get to test the waters while not having to sacrifice too much. think about it. you don't ever want to leave yourself wondering what could have or might have been...

 

[ohitsnoyyy]

Maybe, you aren't afraid of commitment maybe you are afraid that this guy is too good to be true. That's how I was with the hubby. He treated me way to good to be true. Up until now he treats me way to good to be true and it just scares the living heck out of me because I was too use to dating guys that treat me like crap so now that I'm with someone who treats me perfect I feel that it's too good to be true.

I am very afraid of getting hurt and etc, but at the same time I love the guy to much to use that as the grounds in our marriage. I gave myself a new motto it's better to get hurt being in love than to never have experienced it at all. It's better to know what hurt is. It's like if I knew something could hurt me this much then I knew that there is something that could make me feel so good at one point.

He sounds like a great guy; No one would invest that much into someone they weren't sure of. Not to say that a person is an investment, but I mean emotionally.

Oh my gosh Tina... that is so true! That's how exactly I feel! All the guys that I've gone out with or talked to weren't this nice to me. They didn't abuse me or anything, but they just didn't give me this affection and attention like he does. Usually I'm the one that gave & did things for a guy. I'm usually the one who calls, text, give my time & all that stuff. It's just my nature. So when he comes around & does everything that I'm use to doing, it's makes me wanna push him away because it's not something I'm use to. & in the back of my mind i'm asking "why is he being so nice to me? What does he want?" But I know him better than that. All the years that I've known him, he's never talked disrespectfully of any girl. There was this psycho chick that was stalking him. All his friends were telling him to just hit it & quit it but he was like "Naw, that ain't me". Shoot, any other guy would've been like hell yeah & that just showed me that he's really respectful of me.

Also he's just the type of person that gives & he's given me so much. Especially his time. I'm so use to being this independent girl when it comes to guys, but deng it, with him, it's hard to pay for anything because he always pay! It makes me mad sometimes. Makes me feel like a freeloader. But... like those who see together say "Let the man pay, he's just being a gentleman." lol.

Anyway, thanks again Tina... you made me realize something else.

I say try it out!! once you step forward theres no turning back!
but if all doesn't work out then you'll know
he'll be there even if you guys are just friends!!

I know I don't have anything to loose, especially since he's not the type of person to hold a grudge. lol so if it doesn't work out, i know i can depend on him no matter what.

girl, did u just meet me? u've seen my posts. "activity" was specifically intended to cover dirty...although i left it open for ur own interpretation. hahahaha

see it this way...if he is as good and patient as he seems, then he will surely have no problem not touching ur goods if u decide to give the relationship thing a shot. i mean...technically, he's not touching ur goods right now anyways...and he seems fine. haha

by having these limitations, you get to test the waters while not having to sacrifice too much. think about it. you don't ever want to leave yourself wondering what could have or might have been...

haha. thanks for the dirty suggestions & advice! for sure there are limits. He hasn't try to make a move on me yet. (He's too chicken to do so. hahaha) If anything, i might have to make the move on him. h34r: LMAO