BIAS BIAS BIAS!!!

[preawXXsornram]

today is my birthday, and my mother just beat me up because of my brother. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

EXAMPLE 1: my brother wanted to go out(a couple of days ago) , he came home to change and he went out, we came home and saw ALOT of things throw carelessly on the floor. i had to pick it up for him(cos he's not at home) when he came back,i asked my mother to teach him not to be so untidy and careless an my mother was like "that's such a small matter". but for me, EVEN 1 thing on the floor and she goes on and on about "girls need to be more neat"....so i decided to teach my brother a lesson, so I took him things and hid it. and i said that if he wants it back, he have to admit that he's untidy. but he refuses and went "MOM! PREAW DOESNT WANNA GIVE BACK MY THING" A TWENTY YEAR OLD BROTHER!!! (well, 19. but gonna be 20 soon). and blah blah blah(alot of arguement) and BAM BAM BAM! she started hitting me ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!

EXAMPLE 2: she have been telling me for so many years, that if she die, the inheritence will be : me=25% of the money in the bank+1 diamond jewerly set, my sister=25% of the money in the bank+ 1 diamond jewerly set . my brother 50%(tats th rest of it anyway) with the rest of the jewerly(ALOT)+house(EXPENSIVE)+my father's company. me and my sis cannot work in the company cos she claims that we're only gonna have the employee as or bf...and she doesnt want that. cos they'll be poorer than us. we have to work in other company. AND BECOME THEIR EMPLOYEE WHILE MY BROTHER GETS TO BE THE OWNER OF THE COMPANY

EXAMPLE 3: we used to stay in a boarding sch about 2 hours away from the city, but me and my sis have to come to live in the "city" at the end of last year to start a new sch year here(boston). she and my bro argued everyday cos he doesnt wanna come down(to the city). so in the end my mother let him stay there cos he used the excuse "staying in a sch for a long time will get me a good recomendation letter for colleges" so i was like fine...but now tat we bought a house in belmont(a northern town above boston) it takes about 1 and a half hour to get to there and another 1 and a half hour back. my brother wants to live in the house. and my mother was like "okay, you can drive back and forth.soyou can live in the house" and i was like "what about the fees for the home-staying for the next 6 months?" then she was like "its okay, if the sch dun give back, then he'll still move in anyway" WTF!??! THATS ALOT!!! imagine the gas price everyday, i calculated it's at least $450 a month.the public sch in that town is also VERY good so he was like , "when i move in, i wanna transfer into that school" and im like "WHAT HAPPEN TO ' i need a good recomendation letter' ???"

everytime my bro does somethig wrong, my mother will only scold him a little bit. and when iget angry cos she does that, she was like "he already knows, he already knows" but when we ask him "do u think what u did was wrong" he was lik "no and my mother will go, "just leave him alone" WTH!!!

i know, maybe it's not very unfair. but these are the only example i can think of right now.

oh yes one more. driving up and down everyday, the gas is expensive right? so i told her "whydont u buy him a smaller car tat doesnt use so much gas to run" (we're using a Lexus SUV which my brother claims it's his when it isnt and my mother isnt going to scold him for using the car all the time and not letting anyone else toch it even though its an emergency for us, but it's not his problem) and my parents was like "not safe not safe"..FINE. it's not safe...but they bought honda civic(20,000) for my sis while my bro get a Luxus(40,000) a guess what im gonna be getting when i can drive? the civic tat my sis used

 

[ChenrukNote]

Boys tend to be favored more in Asian families especially if your family is rich. I'm glad I don't have any older brothers. I only got two little ones that I can beat up lol. I'm kidding!!!

But wow your mom is seriously, sorry for using this term, but a bitch. Not letting you and your sister work in a company that your father owns is impressive. I wonder how some mom's do it. Just hang in there Preaw because your brother is getting 50% of the inheritance, the company, and the nice Lexus but he does not have any of the good qualities that you do.

Happy Birthday too!

 

[KhoOnxNouxWanxJai]

Yeah what Nai said Just hang in there. In my family it was my cousin believe it or not. No matter how much he messed up and etc I always had to clean up after him. It got so bad because his dad is disabled and can't work so his family is a little on the down side and my mom since it's her brother she expects me to take care of them even expecting me to give them a job. I take his sisters and brothers to school while he's out there doing whatever... he works now but doesn't help his parents pay the bills just buy performance stuff for his car..... his mom calls me to have me take her to the store and gets all pissed if I don't have time... well I do go to school for over 15 hours a week and I also have to take my sisters and her kids to school and attend to a husband so forgive me if I don't have all the time.... but since I got married my husband has been having my back and been picking up the phone for me and going, "no i'm not letting her she's stressed enough leave her alone." and the shitty thing is my little cousins are like prima dona's I'm doing them a favor by taking them to school and instead of being dressed when I get there they take an extra 15-20 minutes and they take their time too! Like im some kind of chauffeur... one time Tim left them when he went with me and they learned their lesson... but the other day my car broke down and I couldn't get to them in time so my sister wanted to walk to their house and wait for me there [their house is only a 30 minute walk] and they go, "no my mom said not to do that cause it's dangerous." umm hello theres a bunch of kids that walk that way. I was kind of ironic too because their mom was like, "i should teach them how to ride the bus." yeah right please.... ride the bus my ass the bus stops at more dangerous places than them walking.... and one time my cousin she stayed home for half a day! her mom calls me up, "Angela wants to go to school can you take her." Me; "I'm at school also." Her, "ok bye." 10 minutes later my disabled uncle calls! how can I have the heart to say no? ugh; everytime I say no she gets my uncle to make me feel bad and arf... if he weren't my mom's brother I wouldn't give a damnnit.... my mom has kinda chilled cause she knows how much I have to do ... go to school full time ... and take care of my little sisters and my uncle's family plus having my own husband to attend to is hard....

and My little cousin the 20 year old? what does he do for his family? Jack..... he wanted me to co-sign a 25,000 dollar car for him I was like.. um no way I rather not risk my credit he was 17 or 18 at the time.... as for me my parents use to spoil me to death but now a days my husband is my sugar daddy lol just kidding.... My parents were going to give my cousin my old car when I bought a new one I'm like heck no I worked hard for that car; it's going to my sisters not some dumb deadbeat ass cousin of mines.... the thing is he also had the nerves to compare himself to me.... "At least I'm making money." because unfortunately I don't work... my response... "Because you were to fucking stupid to continue school." he didn't even graduate high school himself... My sister a freshmen when he was a senior helped him graduate sad huh? he had missed to many days first semester and had to take an alternative class where they gave him all the work in one book he waited till the last 2 days of school because he had given a friend money to do it... well he waited till the last 2 days of school "i won't graduate til I do this." he didn't know how to do it! so my sister helped him out and he graduated with flying colors...

All of the parents side with him.... "He's working." so what? he's working but he doesn't help pay any bills so whats the fucking point? I'm working by taking care of 2 families I don't complain nor do I get paid for it..... On top of going to school... what do you guys want me to do drop out of school to work? I honestly wish I could quit doing all of this, but I have this freaking stupid chunk in me that does everything out of sympathy ugh.... The worst thing is no one knows I'm seriously sick... no one not even my husband .... I seriously don't know how long i'd last with all this stress.... my husband helps a lot because he supports me in my decisions and pushes me to say no...


so girl you should relax; things will always get better as long as you have the will to fight it off.... sorry for the long post! I had to vent tooo; LOL

 

[Liberty]

eh...It tends to happen.
Between myself and my two brothers, I'm my parents favorite, at least my dad's anyway.

Just learn to not care about it, not to seek approval and you're life will be much easier and happier.
I tell my youngest brother that all the time.

Sorry you have to deal with that sort of nonsense but mothers tend to be weak when it comes to discipling their boys.
My brothers can be slobs sometimes but I'm expected to be neat, not because favoritism it's just because my parent expect more out of me as the eldest child and daughter, women in general are neater and cleaner than men, we just know better.

If something happens to my parents I think the money is split evenly between the 3 of us or maybe I get a little more because I'm the oldest and more responsible one. When my parents retire and move to Oklahoma I get the house in Austin, well I get first choice, if I don't want it I can give it away to one of my brothers or sell it. I'll probably pass it down to my youngest brother, screw my younger one, he's a selfish ass.

My brothers get away with more stuff then I do because like I said, parents tend to expect more of their daughters, to be more responsible. Plus it's more disappointing to my parents when I do something wrong because I never do and I'm usually the one they can count on. As with my brother, no matter how much my dad tries to do the tough love thing on them, my mom gets weak and talks my dad out of whatever it was he was planning to do. Which pisses me off because my brothers won't learn anything if they keep babying them like that. My youngest brother isn't so bad, he listens to my advice, it's the younger one that's a pain in the ass.

 

[Rakniran]

sad stuff like this always happen in everyone family.
Sometimes,you have to ignored it and keep on living with your life.

 

[pleang sney]

That was really interesting to read what you write Praew, because i think that my niece have the same feeling like you when she shouldn't...but this is right that when she fight with her bro, argue with him or something else..we always say that what she did was wrong and that she is just annoying...and her bro always get our protection even if it was his fault..but it's not because we don't like our niece, it's just that she is the elder one and she should know what she should say or do or not...because if we are not around this is her who will have to care the house and others people but i think she never understand this fact and that's why she always says that no one love her in the house and there is only love for her bro...that always make us sad to heard her saying something like that because on contrary she is the one that we love the more because she was our fist niece , the first grandchild for my mum ...I never understand why she was so much angry against us after we lecture her but now i think that she just think like you..that there is only good things for her bro, right or not...and now i see that was our big mistake because if she will think like you later , it will be really bad...more you try to get rid of asian teaching and more you are close....
Moreover, you should try to see like your mum do with her eyes..usually when you are the girl, you won't get a lot of things from your parents, especially in an asian family because the girl is always the one who will leave the house and live with her family-in-law and this is them that she will take care later not her parents...and the boy, is always the one that stay and take care his parents and i think this is the way that your mum think... and about inheritance , why you care about so much?! you are young and you still have the life in front of you.. if your parents give you or not something , you can still build your future by yourself..Ok, it will be really long before having an easily life... but if you spend all your time about thinking on the fact that this is your bro who will get everything then it's like you done your life..being jealous about someone who belong to the same family and especially who have " the same blood" as you is just stupid for me.. because i don't think that your own bro will be selfish with you and if one day you need his help , he will be here for you...That's why just forgive your mum for being like she is, this is not her fault but this is just the education that she got..and if your bro don't listen what you say or follow your order, just do like you will do with a child (even if he is older than you or if "he is a big boy")...if it's not giving him a big slap in the face, just take a pix of his stuff and the way he care it, make it big, do a lot of copies and paste it around to show to others how he is "so organized"... or just leave his stuff like you see it...and don't care so much with him....

 

[Liberty]

I don't think the way a parent was raised excuses their behavior towards their children.
In fact, I would expect them to have learned from their experiences and change what they didn't like when it comes to raising their own.

My best friend was raised in a Vietnamese household where her and her siblings got beaten for breaking rules and the boys were put before the girls.
When I say beaten, I really mean beaten, not spanked really hard. They were left with obvious bruises.
She has her own children now, a boy and a girl and disciplines them as well as treats them equally. The little girl gets a way with things a little more because she's still young but neither her or her husband spanks their children. Instead they've adopted other methods of discipling that probably works better than the way they were raised. Their kids don't get spanked but get time outs, when they get bratty or break rules my friend and her husband puts their kids in a "thinking station" where they sit in a chair and think about what they've done wrong.

It's weird how your parents treat you but when they become grandparents they treat their grandkids completely different.
All you can really do is ignore it until you're able to move out on your own.

If you ask me, some traditions should be broken.

 

[pleang sney]

On contrary, i think that the way your parents were raised is a big excuse for the way they are now.... because changing your education when you were raised like that is always hard( like we say, we can't change in one day) and it take really long time to "wake up" from something especially when there is not something that come to shock you...that's why being angry or hating your parents for something so stupid will be just a lost time and it will drive you on the wrong way...
that's good to know that your vietnamese friend choose to don't beat her child to educated them, Liberty. But sometimes words don't work and then you have to choose another way to make them understand something...i don't say that you should raise your child with blows (because i know exactly how it hurt physically and morally ) but sometimes a big slap is good too..i know a lot of child who was raised with " a lot of love " without being kick or something like that, and now they have no respect for others, think that everyone owe them something and walk on their "parents head"...and this is just so sad to see something like that...Asian culture have a good like bad side but then it depends on people ...

 

[Liberty]

On contrary, i think that the way your parents were raised is a big excuse for the way they are now.... because changing your education when you were raised like that is always hard( like we say, we can't change in one day) and it take really long time to "wake up" from something especially when there is not something that come to shock you...that's why being angry or hating your parents for something so stupid will be just a lost time and it will drive you on the wrong way...
that's good to know that your vietnamese friend choose to don't beat her child to educated them, Liberty. But sometimes words don't work and then you have to choose another way to make them understand something...i don't say that you should raise your child with blows (because i know exactly how it hurt physically and morally ) but sometimes a big slap is good too..i know a lot of child who was raised with " a lot of love " without being kick or something like that, and now they have no respect for others, think that everyone owe them something and walk on their "parents head"...and this is just so sad to see something like that...Asian culture have a good like bad side but then it depends on people ...

It's not that hard to change if you know you don't like the way something is done and you know it's not right, or at least right for you then change. Those who don't change either don't see anything wrong with the way the were raised or don't know that it's wrong.
It's like saying children who were sexually abused by their parents and then grow up to have kids later on and sexually abuse their own kids is okay, because it's NOT okay and it's NOT excuse to continue the ugly cycle. Abuse of any kind is WRONG. But not everyone knows that because when you grew up a certain way, being taught to feel guilty and shameful for something you didn't do when the parents should be the ones feeling guilt and shame, the kids in turn think it's a normal thing and carry that over to their children unless some tells them it's not their fault (which normally takes years of therapy).

But if someone knows that what they're doing is wrong and continues to do it, that's worse.
I don't believe any child should be physically disciplined when there are other methods. Just because talking to their children didn't work doesn't mean they should resort to slapping their kids around, it probably just means that they're not getting through to their kids and try another approach to it. There are kids out there that will be bratty and bad no matter what, so whether you talk to them or slap them, it's not going to change their behavior unless they're willing to change themselves. Slapping your kids around could come back and bite you in the ass later in the future.
I was raised in a household where my parents didn't believe in physical discipline either. I was never spanked or hit in any way. When I did something wrong, my parents set me down and talked to me about it. To punish me they'd take away my TV or play time privileges. But I was bratty no matter what and I'm sure my mom wanted to spank me a few times but my dad was a hardcore Buddhist and his religion didn't believe in voilence unless in self defense. By the time I turned 7, I got all the bratty-ness out of me and was a perfect angel after that. It was just a matter of growing out of it. My brother on the hand was spanked by mom often, sometimes leaving marks (even after my dad told her many times that she shouldn't be hitting him and learn to control her temper). He was a pretty good boy so my parents thought he was disciplined because of the spanking but they were wrong because when he became a teenager, he threw all of the spanking right back at them and resented them for everything they did to him, even to this day. He became this punk, ran away from home, no matter how many times my parents bailed him out of trouble he didn't learn, he was getting in trouble with the law. It got to the point where my dad sent him away to live with my uncle, that didn't help because he got some girl pregnant and now is struggling on his own to take care of his family.
My parents reasserted the "no spanking" rule when it came to my youngest brother. He was a brat and stayed a brat for a while but now that he's older and even though he's gotten in a few troubles here and there, he eventually grew out of it and is now a nice, hard working guy.

I'm not saying you should hate your parents for how they treat you (unless they sexual abuse you, then there's no excuse what so ever there, anyone doing that to child deserves to be locked up and beaten to death, sick freaks.) but I don't think anyone should just sit back and take it either. I don't mean you have to be disrespectful towards them just because of the way they treat you but at least attempt to try to tell them how you feel about the way they treat you. I think that's what's wrong with many Asian families, there's not enough openness and communication going on. When a child tries to speak out or disagress, it's called talking back (even though it's not). If you just sit back and take the verbal and physical abuse, in the long run you're going to need years of intensive therapy.

I know there are kids out there who walk all over their parents but those kids are going to be like that regardless of how they're raised, maybe eventually they'll grow out of it and look back and feel bad for all the things they did to their parents. It could just be a phase, many teenagers go through that phase, it's not limited to Asians but once they get college age they start to grow out of it. No amount of physical discipline can change a child unless that child chooses to change himself. That rule applies to anyone in general, no one has the power to change another person if that person isn't open and willing to change.
When you hit a child, it's just an action. Eventually that pain will stop and they'll continue to do what they do, hell some kids knowing they'll get hit will probably do something extra bad to make the pain worth it.
But when you sit a child down and talk to them, explain to them what they did wrong, why it's wrong and have them sit down in a corner by themselves to think for a long time, that kind of discipline will leave a longer impression because it's targeting the child mentally, emotionally and morally. The lessons they learn from a sit down talk with their parents is what will stay with them much longer than any spanking could ever do.

It's not my place to tell others how to raise their kids but that doesn't mean I have to agree with it.

 

[pleang sney]

Wow taking sexual abusement for example?!! isn't a little bit out of topic?!! because if it's a way to educate your child then i'm speechless!

Abused a child is just because you are insane and not because of the education that you get , i don't think that parents who do that , do it because they want to punish their child, but more because they have a psychologic problem and what they need it's more help ...Child need to be protect against these kind of people...
You know there are two sort of parents: the first one, is parents that keep their child like human and their equal, and the second one, parents who think that their child owe them something and keep them like a thing that belong to them and just a way to bring them money.
NO one is perfect , and that's why there is good parents who beat their child to educate them..not because they think that it's the better way for them to make their child learn something, but it's just that they don't see things like their child see it..oh, maybe it's easy to blame them and say that they were young before us, but we don't have to forget that they were raised like that and not for a couple years, but for a really long time, it's not like the new generation who when you are major , you can leave your house and start a new life, like a new way of living....that's why i always say that the fist twenty years are the more important for someone, because it's the time where you discover yourself and learn things that will help you in a good or bad way...my mum was a really good example for me because maybe she was strict with me but then she teach me some good things that help me a lot nowadays and that make me totally independent from her, but like all the mothers she have some bad side and it took me 10 years to try to change her and even now i'm still trying to make her change..and i can say that it's really hard because sometimes she just can't accept the way of life of french people and that's really shock her but because she don't want to repeat two time the same error with her daughters she just leave me alone ....i know that i will remember all my life , the day she beat me because of my bro, but then i don't blame her for that like i'm not angry against her ..it's just that this is something that i won't forget even if i forgive her..because one thing that i can't reproach to her, is the fact that she never give out us and always provided us with everything we need ... my mum wasn't opened to conversation with her child before, but when i saw her act with her grandchild, it's like she 's not the same person , because she is more here for them than she was never for us.. and this is why i really think that i'm really lucky to have a mum like that because maybe she is not the mum of the century but she is a mum who love her family even if she don't know how to show it ...
When i see some mother who selling their child for money, i just find it sad, because ok, they never beat their child, always say that they love them, but at the end they act with their child like an object ..you can raised your child with a lot of love but you have to know that at the end there is always something to exchange...

That's why it's not because you beat your child that it mean that you don't love them, it's just because at the moment you don't think that it's the wrong way and this is right that there are other way to show your love to your child but you will see when you have child that sometimes , they just make you out of control...when your parents correct you for something, this is because they think about you and wish the best for you, not because they hate you or something like that ( because if it was the case, they won't let you come see this world or will just give out you when you were born).. no one can guess before the way they will be later, because everything depend only on yourself, you are like you wish to be when you are free to choose ...

 

[STIMA]

no offense...but i think your mom is VERY IGNORANT AND UNFAIR, ETC ! you already Know.
my gosh <_< shes so sexist !
i don't know what to say ..because it seems to be a cultural thing..
and obviously she's been thinking this way for SO LONG
and its hard to change someone
and frustrating at the same time
if i were you , i'd distance myself from her -_-
i wouldn't want all her negative energy....family? -_- it seems like it'll just deepen the scars that you already have. well, you can always accept her as the way she is..but cultural beliefs will clash. your mom DOES love you but she does not love you more than your brother. its up to you whether you want to accept that or not. i would accept it...but i'd still distance myself from her. it's just .. o_o everyone is not always feeling good everyday and there will always be days where you're going to hate her.
yeah...shes your mom BUT, its not like she's doing the right thing either... O_O
your brother is the way he IS CUS the YOUR MOM . -_-

 

[Muddie Murda]

I don't think the way a parent was raised excuses their behavior towards their children.
In fact, I would expect them to have learned from their experiences and change what they didn't like when it comes to raising their own.

Yeppp, I totally agree. Some elders, when they lecture me, they say, "Just listen to me. At the end, you can throw what you want away, and keep what you may find helpful." Someone has a right to choose how they want to live. It may not be soon for some. Some it takes years, decades and decades before they are able to do that.

Wow taking sexual abusement for example?!! isn't a little bit out of topic?!! because if it's a way to educate your child then i'm speechless!

It's not out of topic really. Some people are really sick to the head and deeply believe that by sexual abuse, they are educating their kids.

Anyways, back to preaw's subject. I understand your feelings. It bothers me, but I think of it as a good thing most of the time.

Growing up, my mom and dad totally favored my older sister and older bro. And then my dad totally spoiled 2 of my little sister. And there was me in the middle. ^_^ I was usually quiet, so I was ignored most of the time. My older sister finally admitted years later that I was the blacksheep of the family.

Though it crushes my heart (wherever the hell that is) thinking about it all, I'm quite thankful that I'm treated the way I'm treated. I don't want to go into much details, but I'll just say, being the blacksheep had made me a pretty independent person.

 

[Liberty]

Though it crushes my heart (wherever the hell that is) thinking about it all, I'm quite thankful that I'm treated the way I'm treated. I don't want to go into much details, but I'll just say, being the blacksheep had made me a pretty independent person.

Aww, being the black sheep can have it's perks. Being the different one usually means you think and see things differently than others, those people are usually the ones destined for something great in life. (Just to clarify, in case someone doesn't understand what I meant by that, it doesn't mean that only people who think differently are destined for greatness or that only they will have greatness in their life.)

Bill Gates (college drop-out turned billionaire, currently the wealthiest person alive), Thomas Edison and the likes became who they are because they dared to think outside the box.

 

[BaBeeLaiLai]

don't feel bad..my mom is the same way too...she favors my brother more than anything..she also bought my brother like 3 cars altogether, which he crashed all of it...i think they got him his first car at when he was like 15 or so...dont' know why...as for my car she only helped meeh like a 1000 and i had to fork out the rest. My mom cooks and gets everything ready to him whenever he's home and around...as for meeh when my brother ain't home...i practically strave...also my brother was in some drug dept with some people...and he disappered for like a week...mom was gonna go crazy..when he finally called home..he told us that he was held captive and couldn't leave the place unless he coughed up $4000...and it wasnt just him. i guess the other half of it was on one of his white boi friends...so my mom balled her eyes out and gave them the money. I was hella mad...white boi was free without even coughing up nothing..my mom paid for everything...then later when my brother was wants money for shoes or cloths or anything..she would give it to him...but when i asked...the most she would give me was 5 or 10 dollars. She always says no money. arrrrrrgggggg....and oh yeah now my brother is in jail now. he calls home like all the time...so our house phone bill is hella high...like 200 a month...and it's not even a problem. But when i turn on the heater...then she tells meeh to turn it off or dn't turn it on for too long because it's too expensive...!