Can someone teach me how to become a better Nyab Hmong?

[pink_juliet_kashie]

Its a very hard choice whether or not to divorce someone but I think that every marriage that is worth saving should be SAVED..i would say endure it a bit more but know when to get out...divorce is very hard in the hmong community..trust me coming from a child w/ recently divorced parents...ppl will say shit loads of crap..ppl will look down on u...and its not as easily done as said like some of this gals have stated..F them people..ignore those comments...its ur life who cares...yes thats the spirit but is very hard to do and very stressful as well..but i will say this the stress is nothing compare to the stress you'll have if u endure a marriage you KNOW will never work...like i said b4 coming from a child of divorce parents...yes you should consider ur child but i'm telling you it hurts more than anything to see ur parents at each other's throat..don't put ur kid through tat..let them have some self esteem...so if ur gonna consider divorce..please please..oh dear god please consider EVERYTHING b4 doing so...not juz cuz his parents are pissing u off...

 

[the_one]

old folks list for the nyab and daughters NEVER ends! someday they will realize!!

 

[kulyia]

i just recently got married.. here's my experience so far.
i'm not saying i'm the best nyab in the world.
i do what i can and do what i know to the best of my ability.
i don't wake up and make breakfast for my in-laws,
my father-n-law leaves to work at 6 am and my mother-n-law works at 830 am
i usually cook a lot of food when i make dinner and make sure there is enough left over
so that they can pack lunch to work
i drive my husband's brothers to school in the morning
come back home and then get ready for school
if i don't stay at school and study or do hw,
i come back home and make dinner.
before i got married, my mom had my sisters and me make dinner every night..
so that's what i'm used to doing
the only difference now is... my husband's sister is only 8
so she can't help me.. my mother-n-law is still at work
and the other nyab in the house doesn't do much besides go on the internet
therefore.. my life is pretty sad and i do everything by myself.
cooking.. setting the table.. clearing the table.. doing the dishes... more cleaning!
then if i'm not tired.. i will do my hw.
i'm a very stressed out full time college student!
but my mom always told me this day would come..
and sure enough... it did.
but hey.. karma is a b*tch. what goes around will definitely come around.
but back to what you are asking...
it's hard to try to make someone like you.
for those nyabs who put on an act.. you better live up to it.
as for the rumors you hear behind your back... guess what?
people will talk about you no matter what..
i always tell my bro-n-law's wife (the other nyab in the house)
if you do your part as a nyab then there is nothing to worry about.
if you try to defend yourself, it will only make outsiders believe the rumor more.
just my experience so far.. my husband and sisters tell me to hang on in there
tables will turn someday for me..
even my fortune cookie said so...
"the care and sensitivity you show towards other will return to you."

Really nicely said. I DEF. agree with you 100%. Karma will come back even if you Think its not karma or a sin to do so, that's when it is the Most. I'm not married. But ive seen enough from my sister in law and mom to know and expect what my future mother in law want from me. khaws luag tes lus mus ua neej. Dont think that Oh its the same as living with your parents because one day when your old and cant survive on your own who will look after you? You will surely depend on your kids. When their not even 2 your already telling them to do things. Imagine when you're old. Treat others how you would want to be treated in Their position or situation. im so fed up with folks who dont care or complain or do evil deeds to their mother in law or family. Those nyabs wouldnt want to see her mom and sisters suffer. This message is directly to those who could careless about the family they marry to. Because why marry and live with their son or daughter and family if your not even going to treat them with respect? i Hate it when the guys do it to the girls side. They dont intend to or see what their doing. That's what bugs me.

 

[mouahlubkojtshaj]

Let's just say that life is NEVER PERFECT. No matter how hard you are trying to be a good person people still see the bad side of you. I've been married for 6 years now. I can see that my wife is doing everything she could around the house but my mom still complaining to me sometime. People only born with one body, two hands and two legs. Nobody can do everything all at once. Me as the second oldest son of the family taking care of two younger brothers, two younger sisters, my mom, plus my wife and my son after my dad passed away. I'm doing everything I can in the family. Just me and my wife are the only two people who are working to pay for all the bills and foods. I never ask for help from anyone in the family with the bills. My brothers and sisters are all grown up(18 yrs old +). They're still in school. Athough they're working I let them keep their money in their own pocket. With all this love towards my family, they still see the bad side of me. Sometime I feel like I just wanna go far far away from the family but I can not leave them suffering. I've promise my dad before the minutes he closed his eyes and took his last breath that I will take good care of my family for him to rest in peace. I guess people just don't realize it until you are actually gone. Life is hard, miserable, depress, and stress. But I'm going to keep my patient and maybe one day they will realize it.

As in your situation, I believe that your husband sees it that you are a good house wife like how I see in my wife. But the mother in law always like to complains. My grandma told me the older they get the meaner they'd be (laus laus ces nkhaus). Only few elder are understandable. If you are willing to be a good wife and good daughter in law just keep up the way you are now and one day they will realize it. Ignore all the rumors as long as your husband sees in you. As for me, I always like to tell my wife not to say anything athough my mom is saying craps about her.
Because I don't want the issue to get worse. As a husband, we are in the middle between the wife and the family. We do not want the wife and the family to have any kind of issue. We'll always try to stop everyone but most of the time we only try to stop the wife first. Of course we do love the wife as much as the family.

There is an old saying " Love eachother while still alive when somebody died no matter how much you say you love them that doesn't mean anything anymore."

If anyone tells you to leave your hubby and his family, don't do it. If that person cares for you, that person wouldn't tell you to ruin your own relationship. Unless, you know for sure that your hubby doesn't love you anymore. NEVER LISTEN TO THOSE WHO TELLS YOU RUIN YOUR OWN LIFE. YOU WILL REGRET FOR SURE. THOSE WHO TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO TO BETTER YOUR LIFE, LISTEN TO THEM.

 

[nkaujhmooblauj]

^^ a man's point-of-view!!
thanks a lot!
my husband tells me that too. eheh
although i don't have problems with his parents
it's more of with someone who lives in the house.

 

[paxiong04]

i think that you should do what ever you can for them!!! ask them if they want you to do things for them... for ex. my father in law comews over i cook for him and me and husband take him fishing and he knows i am doing it for him. i dont have a mother in law... sniff... sniff... but they are getting older... you just do what they want... they wont be here forever and you dont wanna regret not doing things for them... and love them no matter how nice they are or how mean they are they'll see it in the future... but do what ever you think is right!!!

 

[Mov4u]

LOL, I have both wedding, I did listen...I remember everything they say... but I only wake up early on the weekend to cook and clean. Pay the house bills, cooks and clean. It just that I don't have time on the weekday, I work from 7AM and have night class till 9:30 PM.....I've been hearing stuff about me behind my back, how my in-laws wish for a better nyab. I love them, I do everything for them (give them everything they want and needs) Today, i just hear that they wish i run away or something....my husband just told me to be quite and do nothing about it. it hurt so much! But like you say, I will try to do my best!!! aja! aja! fighting! ahahhaha THANKS

You did all you can already with your busy schedule and your in laws still not appreciate so there is nothing more you can really do. Tell you husband about the rumors and see if he will defend you. Maybe his mother them will listen or see that you exhaust all mean of being a good nyab with your busy schedule. I'm sure when you said he told you to be quiet and do nothing, I'm sure he back you up and not blaming you... Again as long as your husband is strong and back you up whenever there's rumors, but at the same time don't get all depress with the rumors you heard as that's all OGs do.

 

[mainhiathao]

that's all i would do if i were you....

 

[Napat01]

I agree with everyone, I think it's never enough of what you do because hmong people always expects perfection. I hear gossip of everyone becoming nyab and people comparing others, I don't see why we have to do that, it's pointless.

 

[kulyia]

Its a very hard choice whether or not to divorce someone but I think that every marriage that is worth saving should be SAVED..i would say endure it a bit more but know when to get out...divorce is very hard in the hmong community..trust me coming from a child w/ recently divorced parents...ppl will say shit loads of crap..ppl will look down on u...and its not as easily done as said like some of this gals have stated..F them people..ignore those comments...its ur life who cares...yes thats the spirit but is very hard to do and very stressful as well..but i will say this the stress is nothing compare to the stress you'll have if u endure a marriage you KNOW will never work...like i said b4 coming from a child of divorce parents...yes you should consider ur child but i'm telling you it hurts more than anything to see ur parents at each other's throat..don't put ur kid through tat..let them have some self esteem...so if ur gonna consider divorce..please please..oh dear god please consider EVERYTHING b4 doing so...not juz cuz his parents are pissing u off...

i love your poster. anne would look sessy like that and ken would look heroic. :drool:

 

[nkaujhmoob08]

To be a good nyab is complicated unless you can keep up your monitor going then you're fine and it does take times to improve your goals. If your suggestion is to be a good nyab you should take my advice here. The best options for you is to hold your patience and obey what other is trying to tell you to do. Don't give pressure or argue back. =) Best wishes to whoever is going to get married! I'll get back in here with more response if possible.

 

[Alhambra1]

my advice...
you did nothing wrong and you should leave your hubby
cuz they gettin ur money from ur pocket and not appreciating ur help

but if u wanna suffer, then stay w/ hubby and his parents
always having that guilty feeling all years long

Lol. took the words right out of my mouth. You did nothing wrong, they should be happy that you cook, clean, and pay the house bills. So stop trying to change yourself to just please them.

 

[SunStar]

there's no way to be perfect.... especially to Hmong parents-in-law...

i think one thing that is making it hard on you is his parents...they're not trying to accept you or they're making things hard for you on purpose... cuz if the parents at least try...you can certainly feel it... but from your description...it does seem they're not putting in any effort to make things easier for you....

also....your husband is at fault too... he should be the bridge between you and his parents...without that bridge...it will be impossible to reach the other side...

this is precisely why i'm sooooo hesitant to marry a Hmong guy... i'm still single at 24 yrs. old and not looking forward to married life at all..... (at least not yet)

one more thing... you shouldn't have to give money to your mother-in-law to babysit her own grandchildren... she should do that on her own free will...

 

[lovely_jenny]

im a nyab also.. and i do agree having the nyab life with another new family is hard.. its not easy but you see everything in this world is never easy.. you have to go through something first in order to achieve what you want.. so jus tdo your best and dont think too much about it..

like you im also far from my parents too and have been married for two years.. i only go to school and come home to be a full time mom.. i cant find work because the city we live in is small..its even harder like this.. so just focus on your education so in the future you can support yourself and not have to depend on other es lawm thiaj li saib tau yus thiab vam txoj yus, es kom yus txhob mus thom luas lwm tej...

 

[missypinkie]

Sweetie, your already doing your best. Let me tell you something. If they don't like you. They'll NEVErRrrRr like you. So who cares about paying them to baby-sit. Your doing your best already. Those are their grand-kids. The got no chice, but to baby-sit. Break through and tell your husband to step up the game.

 

[lakorndemon]

lol...this is like the heat of a battle between the nyab and the in-laws...lol...well, in my opinon, i think you did nothing wrong so don't sweat it...be patient and i hope they'll see your good ways...especially with that other in-law that just came in...lol...i have a nyab here too but my parents back then used to think less of her until they see her kindness...lol...do don't worry, they see you someday...

 

[mydeepscar]

My mother-in-law stop gossip about me now. I think she realized her daughter ain't better then me...(if you read about my sister-in-law) however, I still give my mom-in-law money for baby sit my son becuase she is not working and i feel it's the right thing to do since i'm not home much because of school and work. Thank you sooo much for the advice.

 

[ouaher]

being a nyab is very hard espicially if your in-law are really traditional. It's true they will piss you alot but you just have to ignore them and do what is right. if ever anything is to come up the elders from your husband side of the family will see it and if you have been doing your part you'll never be at fault. I myself is a nyab too. Go through all those problem every day. being compare by my inlaw with other daughter in law. I use to get piss too, but now I don't care any more. I just look at situations and think about it and do the right thing so when they go complaining to their elders, you are not at fault cause you did your part. If your husband understand you and see that your inlaw are giving you hard time, it's a big help to you cause he'll back you up. My hubby at first never paid attention till when he out of his job and see the day to day situation between his mom and me. He know it wasn't my fault and back me up when it's not my fault. I hope your husband will see it too and help you. But always remember just do what is right. who care if the inlaw gets mad. As long as people know that you did what you are suppose to do.

 

[happy_tears]

Hun, just do your best and who care what your MIL say...Thanks god I'm not married yet...
anyway my mom and my sister-in-law always fight and I hate it...keep us update...

 

[narita4u]

These days for me a "Nyab ZOO" is someone who has higher education with good pay to support their son.

Possibly, you try to be a nyab zoo but they see you as a nyab tsis zoo because may be???? you love him and he does love, may be you him more than he loves you????

In order for him to love you more or get the love from his parents is going back to school and get a ba or a bs degree from a good college and work in the bank.

Dress nice and very professionally and get good money from you job then. I am sure your husband will respect and happy about and your parent in-laws in respect and love and they will like you and say you are a nyab zoo.

Truly, when someone has higher education and earn a good living, it is about every parent is dreaming to have a nyab or a vauv zoo like this. If you are one of this then, you will gain that reputation and they will surely love and respect at last.

It you have no education, then it does not matter hard you have been trying but finally you get no way. It is a lost and lost sitution.

I came to America when I was 23 years and I wen back to college and get my bs degree and continue my ma degree in six years. I was born in Laos and English is not my first language. For you, you still have better chance then me since I think you were born here and you do not have problem about grammar.

If you want you can go back to back you eduation. Why being in America or were born in this country and being a poor girl, poor woman or uneducated lady. is it too bad isn't it????

Wake up and it is not too late to go back to get your education. As a parent, me tub koj lam yuav tus me ntxhais ntawd ua koj tus pojniam mas. Nws tsis zoo nkauj heev tabsis nws kawm ntawv heev. yog koj yuav tau nws no nws yuav pab tau koj lub neej. Cov no yog cov laus hais rau lawv cov me nyuam tsis hais tub los tus ntxhais. Lwm hnub koj muaj me nyuam koj yuav xav lino thiab.

If you have one or two kids still not tot late to go back to get your education. If you really love and like your husband then get a degree with a good pay. For sure he will keep for life. But you cannot help him and being poor then possibly that's why you have been so good and work so hard but you are no body.

I don't your self so this my guess.
Good luck