DOES THiS MAKE ME A BAD PERSON?

[ohitsnoyyy]

I have this friend [imma call her julie] who i've known for about 8 years.

she has this boyfriend [imma call him bill] who at one point was cool but now he's not important to me.

He treats julie like shit & controls her. Julie found out that he was cheating on her & she came crying to me.
Being the friend that i am, i comfort her & all that stuff. I told her she'll do fine without him but she just wasn't having it. She told me that she couldn't live without him.

So she decided to stay with him because she wanted to "make things work."
I took that as a slap in the face because her & her boyfriend put me in the middle of the relationship & they drove me crazy.

It's been 2 years since me & julie really talked. We aren't close like before, we don't call one another. Well, julie would call me once in a while but only to talk about her boyfriend.

The point I'm trying to make is all the sudden she wants to come around & be "close" like how we use to be. She's been wanting to hang out or go eat. She wants us to be cool, knowing the fact that her boyfriend & I don't get along..

The truth is i dont want to. I'm at the point where i'm fine without her & I dont need her.

But does this make me a bad person?

There's so much more to this, i just wanna keep it short. I'm confused... I dont know what to do... help... :huh: :wacko:

 

[noungning]

no, ur not wrong. well, imo, she left u meaning u've done ur best to be with her as a friend but yet she didn't see any significance of it... then she wants to be friends again like before... it's just too hard to mend. i know the feeling quite well. do what's best for you, if she's just trying to hang on to you just because she needs someone to listen to her talk about her boyfriend and it's all for her benefit, then i don't see why you should invest so much into it as u've once did... friendships like anything is mutual. and if you are in a friendship just to be the one that takes and never gives... it's kinda dreadful.

that's why i'm tired of those things... i prefer relationships that shares the giving and taking.

 

[lady0fdarkness]

There's just so much a person could do. You've already done what you can and I'm pretty sure she realizes it, that's why she wants to be your friend again. Perhaps you should have a nice talk with her. Tell her that you're tired of giving. Let her know, that next time that creep cheats on her, you won't be there to bring her back up again. Be firm, but caring at the same time. If she doesn't care about what you had to say, then it's time to let her know that you mean business and that she's not worth your friendship.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

 

[KhoOnxNouxWanxJai]

omg your having a similar problem? LOL mines just recently happened this is my dilemma; I blogged about it 2 days ago on KL lol.

Well we're not exactly old friends, but it's getting there. I have this friend I use to be so close with. We've been friends for 4 years. Well since last year she started dating this guy. He's one of those guys that likes to be alone by himself. Anyways her attitude and mood started changing the last 5-6 months. She's also good friends with my 2 best friend. We all notice her change. She's become more secluded and ugh annoying. The other day at school we all decided to hop in one car and go out to eat together. We took her boyfriends car due to lack of space in the others. Anyways they started arguing about dumb stuff. After we ate she drove. She drove herself to her parents house. They continued to argue outside the door. He comes back and tells us, "get out of the car." We're like what? "Get out of the car!" we get out. So then, we knock on her door and tell her what he did. The nerve of that b*eep. She didn't even care that he had kicked us out she asks, "oh is he ok? what did he say?" We're thinking "Invite us in" noo she goes, "Go wait for me over there I'll go to the kitchen window." WTF?! Well we call my hursband to come pick us up. He's pretty pissed. "Why the fuck would he do that? It's f*ing raining, and Janey's (best friend) pregnant." We all stay quiet as he bitches till we get to school.

The next day we see him and her we don't even talk to them. We're pretty pissed. Then they say in front of another friend, "maybe we should apologize lets just do it so they can stop being ass's and ignore us." WHAT?! we're the ass's? ugh. After that I haven't really talked to her. I kinda ignore her. Then this morning she texts me. "Tina I need your help." I respond "What is it?" her, "oh nothing just wanted to see if you were still mad." ugh. I text her back, "don't waste my time." she is txing sorry and stuff back i ignore her.

Now she's all pissed and telling our friends how Janey and I are messed up. Well we learn from our mistakes idiot. We don't waste our time with friends who drop us for dumb stuff. There goes another chapter in my life and a friend less. Ahh well I'm a grown girl. She had the nerves to tell me, "you've changed since you got married." I've changed?! I still treat my friends fair. I would never drop them like nothing if my husband and I were to argue. Heck we wouldn't even argue in front of friends. When our friends asked us "why don't you give her another chance?" well this isn't high school I don't play those dumb kid games. Either your a friend or not simple as that. If you want to drop a friendship of 4 years for a guy than go right ahead, but don't expect me to be there when he decides to drop you =/


so what I'm trying to say is don't feel bad because she decided to choose her boyfriend over you like my friend chose her boyfriend over us. I don't care that I don't have her in my life truth is I want friends that are mature and aren't a slave to their love. I don't want to be friends with someone who is incompetent and unable to live without a guy. so my answer is no it doesn't make you a bad person it makes you HUMAN!

 

[Quarter]

omg i had the SAME issue! back in high school this girl ditch me b/c she wanted to hang out with the "cool" girls. so i was like, ok whatever. then one day she came running back b/c i "change" and i somewhat looked "cool" too. you know, the change of style and all. i didn't care, if she wanted to eat or hang out i still did it with her, after it's over it's over.

i'm so fake around her, i'm not even going to lie. and we act as if we're best friends again. then when the 'hang out' is over, it's over. no heart feelings. besides, i just hang out with her on my super boring days. she's a back stabbing person, and i could careless. i didn't forgave her or forget her, i just simply didn't care.

you're not a bad person. but i'm not going to say it makes you human (love you Tina XD) b/c that line is over used. i'm just going to say, you're good and it's fine.

 

[Liberty]

It doesn't make you a bad person.
I wish people would stop trying to force their significant other and their friends to get along when they know that they don't.

Anyway, it's been 2 years since you guys really talked, you've moved on with your life and like you said, you're doing fine without her so why go back to something stressful? I would probably be the same way.

 

[Nameless]

friends are good.

but good friends are rare.

 

[ohitsnoyyy]

thank you all so much, you've all helped me out a lot.

the reason why i asked if this makes me a bad person is because my other friends have asked me "why dont you hang out with her again? it's 2008 & you should just put everything behind you & start fresh."

they're making it like it's my fault for not wanting to be Julie's friend.

But the thing is Julie & her boyfriend has put me through a lot. Her boyfriend has talk so much trash about me & she's never backed me up. he told her to stop hanging out with me & she listened to him.

It's funny cuz this "friend" of mine, tells me that "i mean the world to her" and i'm suppose to be her "best" friend & she's putting her boyfriend before me. & she only calls me when her & her boyfriend goes through some stuff. & after they patch things, i'm not needed anymore.

i guess i give too much & i was hoping she would do the same for me...

 

[Liberty]

Well, you didn't mention any of this before.
In that case, screw her and her bf, don't waste your time on either of them, especially her since she was the one that didn't think your friendship was worth keeping.
I went through this back in high school with someone I thought was a really good friend, instead she weasled her way into the friendship my best friend and I had, tried to tear us apart (we didn't talk for some time but in the end we came back together because we realized it was HER that was tearing us apart). She would feed all this negative thoughts into my head and I didn't pay much attention it but over time it did some damage. Her parents were super strict and borderline abusive to her and she took advantage of my sympathy and my parents' kindness and brought all sorts of drama into my family. She only used me and my family as a way to keep in touch with her boyfriend. Anyway, to cut it short, she and I haven't talked to each other since high school and I don't regret it one bit.
Friends are great but good friends are hard to come by, as you get older you realize who your true friends are.
Keep the good ones close to you and get rid of the ones that are trying to poison you (not literally of course, hopefully).

thank you all so much, you've all helped me out a lot.

the reason why i asked if this makes me a bad person is because my other friends have asked me "why dont you hang out with her again? it's 2008 & you should just put everything behind you & start fresh."

they're making it like it's my fault for not wanting to be Julie's friend.

But the thing is Julie & her boyfriend has put me through a lot. Her boyfriend has talk so much trash about me & she's never backed me up. he told her to stop hanging out with me & she listened to him.

It's funny cuz this "friend" of mine, tells me that "i mean the world to her" and i'm suppose to be her "best" friend & she's putting her boyfriend before me. & she only calls me when her & her boyfriend goes through some stuff. & after they patch things, i'm not needed anymore.

i guess i give too much & i was hoping she would do the same for me...

 

[BaBeeLaiLai]

Your not a bad person...i think we've all been in that situation before where a friend gets a boifriend and ditches everyone else. You should just tell her how you feel. Or just ignore her. hehehe

 

[ohitsnoyyy]

i don't know what it is about girls, but i've always had bad friendships with them. i've had so many 'best' girl friends who've turned against me. as of right now, i really don't have that much girl friend because they're so hard to trust.

true friends are hard find, even harder to keep. that's why i trust & have more guy friends.

i'm not trying to make this 'friend' of mine look bad, it's just other friends & her sisters are trying making feel bad for not being the 'friend' i use to be.

I mean, she's very insecure & she depends on her boyfriend. she's very negative & tends to bring me down & i'm just got fed up with it so i'm done with it.

I guess it's true what they say 'you don't know what you got until it's gone'. hehe. she took me for granted & now she wants me back in her life.

oh by the way, her boyfriend messaged me on myspace a few weeks ago apologizing for the things that he's said bout me. what an ass! :angry:

 

[ijohn]

friends??? i mean real friends can be around in the ups and downs in life more so the downs and be non judgmental if its a true friendship... i think real friends accept each other unconditionally and their choices are independent of criticism because they are friends no matter what!!!

most friendships i think are so superficial and they end when two individuals are forced to choose between people they keep!!! true friends don't make you choose who you will talk to or be with!!!

remember people that matter in your life aren't like a seasonal wardrobe as some people treat others or would have you believe are their friends...

like all good things in life to keep,,, involves compromise and trust in oneself more then others choices...

so i think your friend was wrong to make you choose her choice... complaining is a passage of life's downs and individualism is trust in yourself with a choice you make to be who you want to be absent who others want you to be in their moment of regret for choices they made...

 

[ohitsnoyyy]

friends??? i mean real friends can be around in the ups and downs in life more so the downs and be non judgmental if its a true friendship... i think real friends accept each other unconditionally and their choices are independent of criticism because they are friends no matter what!!!

most friendships i think are so superficial and they end when two individuals are forced to choose between people they keep!!! true friends don't make you choose who you will talk to or be with!!!

remember people that matter in your life aren't like a seasonal wardrobe as some people treat others or would have you believe are their friends...

like all good things in life to keep,,, involves compromise and trust in oneself more then others choices...

so i think your friend was wrong to make you choose her choice... complaining is a passage of life's downs and individualism is trust in yourself with a choice you make to be who you want to be absent who others want you to be in their moment of regret for choices they made...

that was deep =] & I totally agree with you. i guess she realize how much i mean to her after seeing me live the life i live, so now she regrets what she's put me through and wants to make it up to me.

 

[noungning]

the reason why i asked if this makes me a bad person is because my other friends have asked me "why dont you hang out with her again? it's 2008 & you should just put everything behind you & start fresh."

it's because they've never been in the same shoes... or maybe they have but they don't see your situation as a big deal.

like i've said before, i have more guy friends than girls because i just can't stand to hang around girls... too dramatic and drama causing losers, no offense to anyone who wants to take it as them lmfao

my close friend asked me the same question when we had dinner a few weeks back... he goes, "ning, what's wrong, why can't we just all be friends again? it's happened so long ago, and now she broke up with her boyfriend, so why can't we come back to be friends?" my answer, "because i'm tired of putting in the effort over and over again, trying to be a good friend, but yet when her boyfriend comes back in the picture, i'm invisible. I would rather be with friends who appreciate my existance."

however, my case is different from your's because she has not tried to become friends with me again, because i'm sure she knows i'm sick of it... so she's never tried to talk to me. she knows how i am, and i am forgiving but i will never forget what happened. he's like but you guys never see each other ...i'm like well all this time, we do only live 5 houses apart and i tried to call her, tried to get her to go hang out, all the answers were no, no, no, no, no... so i'm not going to ask her anything anymore... if she really wanted to be friends again. she can message me on aim, msn, or even myspace. but she never did, so i will not make the effort and will not bother... we were bestfriends for 7 years, but i've known her since kindergarten. i believe she left a bigger dent in my life than anyone else in my life besides my own family. and she was the last friend that i was willing to let affect me to that degree.

 

[ohitsnoyyy]

like i've said before, i have more guy friends than girls because i just can't stand to hang around girls... too dramatic and drama causing losers, no offense to anyone who wants to take it as them lmfao

my close friend asked me the same question when we had dinner a few weeks back... he goes, "ning, what's wrong, why can't we just all be friends again? it's happened so long ago, and now she broke up with her boyfriend, so why can't we come back to be friends?" my answer, "because i'm tired of putting in the effort over and over again, trying to be a good friend, but yet when her boyfriend comes back in the picture, i'm invisible. I would rather be with friends who appreciate my existance."

one of my other friend has. her situation was worst than mine & she forgave her friend. after her friend was talking so much b.s. about her & even choosing her boyfriend over her. I guess it's cuz she's just quick to forgive.

i'm not like that though. I mean I forgave my friend for what she's done, but i just choose not to be apart of her & her boyfriend's life. I don't think she's accepted that yet. Her boyfriend's wanting me & her to be close again, I'm like it's not that easy. I just can't go back & pretend that we're all lovely & best friends again.

I mean, i've made attempts to get her to hang out, but she's always thinking about her boyfriend, always worrying about him & what he'll say if she's out with me. so i'm like whatever, i'm over it. I don't need someone who depends on her boyfriend to make decisions. I'm better off without her. The only times she would call me is if she needed something or she wants to nag about her boyfriend & i'm not gonna put myself in that situation again.

& it's so true, most girls are just too dramatic, emotionally unstable, or just too needy.

so for the most part, i gave up on her a long time ago, simply because she gave up on herself.

 

[Preahya]

Wow! Your relationship with her is intense. There are too much negatives more than positives. You should tell her about the way you feel about your relationship with her. Honestly is the key to keeping a long lasting friendship. Tell her `what`s up!` If she doesn`t want to hear it or reacts negatively about your feelings. Then it is time to let her go.

Remember U`R NOT A BAD PERSON because you want to end a negative, and stressful relationship with friend. You are being honest with yourself and to her as well.

 

[owwee_its_leelee]

i don't think ur a bad person... i'm in the same kinda drama with my cousin and her bf... but i think it's best to just leave em be... cause ppl from what i see not everyone in general... when they are "in love" they can't be without that person and tend to be all into that person... and bleh... sorry went all off... i think that from my own view the reason why ur friend "julie" wants to get all buddy buddy with you again is cause there is no one there that is willing to listen to her bitch about how he's treating her wrong or just listen to her just talk about him period... but yea i don't think ur a bad person... i mean to me ur doing good by not trying to get back into that middle person phase u know and if u were to say something to her like he's no good she can always say to u it's cause ya'll don't get along... so no ur not a bad person.

 

[ohitsnoyyy]

Wow! Your relationship with her is intense. There are too much negatives more than positives. You should tell her about the way you feel about your relationship with her. Honestly is the key to keeping a long lasting friendship. Tell her `what`s up!` If she doesn`t want to hear it or reacts negatively about your feelings. Then it is time to let her go.

Remember U`R NOT A BAD PERSON because you want to end a negative, and stressful relationship with friend. You are being honest with yourself and to her as well.

oh it's very intense alright. she's a sensative person & she tends to want things her way & she's always insecure. so anything that i speak my mind about how i feel [like telling her i feel like i'm being used], she'll put a guilt trip if not, she'll turns things around & makes it seem as if it's my fault. I'm the kind of person that somethings say things before thinking so i might come off as a bitch but i'm really not. it's just that she doesn't get what i say so i come off as a bitch.

i remember when she called me one time to talk or whatever & she was like "i'm sorry for not calling you that often & not hanging out with you. i'm trying to change & i've been with bill all the time & he doesn't want me to hang out with you because you'll take me to go meet other guys"

that right there was a slap in the face. To hear that from her was hurtful. She was telling me that how grateful she is to have a friend like me or how much i mean to her but to hear that out of her mouth, was just a double slap.

 

[noungning]

oh yeah, i know what u mean by they become dependent on their bf and everything is ultimately up to them... "oh sure, i wanna go out, but let me ask my bf first...." a couple hours later...."oh sorry, i can't go, i have to stay with my bf".... to find out later because i hang out with her sister, "oh, she couldn't come bacause her bf didn't want her to come come out"

um if you're more than 21 and mentally unstable and need to be with your bf 24/7, then i don't wanna hear it.

then she had the nerves to be mad at her sister for hanging around me too much, "stealing my friend from me"... ugh drama. <_<

 

[ohitsnoyyy]

oh yeah, i know what u mean by they become dependent on their bf and everything is ultimately up to them... "oh sure, i wanna go out, but let me ask my bf first...." a couple hours later...."oh sorry, i can't go, i have to stay with my bf".... to find out later because i hang out with her sister, "oh, she couldn't come bacause her bf didn't want her to come come out"

um if you're more than 21 and mentally unstable and need to be with your bf 24/7, then i don't wanna hear it.

then she had the nerves to be mad at her sister for hanging around me too much, "stealing my friend from me"... ugh drama. <_<

i think it's sad when girls depend on their boyfriends for everything. i tell her "don't become too dependent on him" & now she's so dependent on him, he has her life in his hands pretty much.

my friend met her boyfriend when she was 17 & he was 25. & I think because he's older, he thinks he can control her, well he sure did do a good job because she won't leave him out of her sight. talk about obsessive/clingy.

& just turned 21 last month & now all the sudden she's hitting me up asking bout the good clubs to go to because my sister's goes clubbing & she wants to 'experience the club life' I don't want to be rude or anything but i know her boyfriend isn't gonna let her go. if he does let her go, he'll have to be with her. so it's like i don't want drama so might as well not invite her because besides me, she really don't have anyone else beside her family or her boyfriend.