CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
My eyes open softly. The soft touch of the morning wind lingered across to my bed. It felt so nice for it to brush
across my pain stroke body. So nice to have it with me when I’m all alone. I can still feel stinging sharpness of the pain
that runs through my back. I can almost notice the blood that was withdrawn from me. I feel tired, and deathly. Once again,
I closed my eyes to lessen the pain, but it did not help. It did not help one bit.
“Ann!!!” As if on queue, right when my eyes closed, Chakrit rushed into the room, causing my eyes to flutter open. He was holding a
bouquet of beautiful lilies that was wrapped in the finest sand paper of the shade yellow, pink, and white. “How are you feeling right now?
I heard you woke up.” Chakrit rushed to stand by the side of my bed as his hands covered mine. They were so warm, his hands. Unlike mine which were icily cold.
“I’m okay…” A soft murmur, it was all that could come out of me. I could see the fresh pain that escaped Chakrit handsome face as
my words came out. He must know that I don’t feel good. He must be worried. “I’m really okay khun. I’m fine…” Stronger,
with more power this time; I carefully worded my phrase.
He didn’t believe me. I could tell. If I were in his place, I wouldn’t have believed either. It was such a bold faced lie.
But, to make him feel better, I would do anything, even if I have to die just this second.
“How have you been? And Nattra, where is she?” My throat ached as each word sounded.
“I have been okay for these past days. Nattra has been living with me at out house. She’s at school right now; she misses you a lot.
attra has a picture of you right by her bed. She said so she can say good night to you.” I miss my daughter too, not only my daughter,
but also Chakrit. I missed the two of them so much that I would explode if I couldn’t see one of them soon. Gladly, Chakrit was here to
fill in half of the emptiness.
“Ann…” I gaze slowly came upon his guilt struck face as he mouthed my name.
“Yes ?” I felt like I need to push him a little, or else his words wouldn’t come out.
“I was wondering…” He glanced at me to catch my expression. I reassured him with a simple smile.
“ I was wondering if you could tell me… tell me what happened in the past. Before my accident.” Now his expression was stiff, and shaded with shame.
“Oh… of course I will tell you.” I was surprised, he never asked me about the past before. I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t want to force
him if he didn’t want to know. Now that he’s asking, he has taken a lot of weight off me.
“But, if you’re tired, it’s okay.” He immediately said, so cute.
“No, I want to tell you.” For the next hour, I told him all about the past. From him and I crashing into each other before the company
to meeting him and him hiring me at the company. From Chakrit’s first time apologizing to me and to the first time he kissed me.
The first time I went to his house to the time he asked me out on a date. I told him I thought that he was obnoxious and crazy at
the time, but came to fall deeply in love with his childish behaviors. Then, when the two of us took a vacation. After, is when the whole
pregnancy thing happened everything was over after. My voice gave out afterwards from so much talking. It was painful. I watched
each and every emotion on Chakrit’s face.
“So… after that we didn’t meet till five years later?” I nodded, as he seemed to be thinking things over. This must be a lot of
information for him to receive in an hour.
Chakrit POV
I forgot so many things, so many things that tied the two of us together. The worst thing is, even after so long, I still can’t remember.
What happened to all those memories of the past? All those beautiful memorable times that we shared. Now, that spot in my mind is
vacant and filled with dust. Nothing is left and will not be chased back.
I feel guilty, after everything Ann told me, I felt guilty. How could I not be? I left her alone, at such an important time in her life.
That part of her life that could have changed my life so much. Instead, I left her alone to deal with the pain and loneliness. I’m terrible.
Even though I have done such a terrible thing; Ann smiles through her pain in the past and now. Her smile was genuinely true and meaningful.
How could I have doubted her honesty towards me in the past?
Chasing back the past is useless. I need to start the new future.
That’s what I have agreed to.
“I’m… really sorry. I don’t know what to say.” I decided to have a fresh start, but the guilt hasn’t been washed away yet.
It clung to my soul, maybe for the rest of my days on earth. It could be the punishment for my terrible sins that I have committed.
But this was nothing, nothing compared to Ann’s endless years of waiting, pondering, and suffering.
Surprisingly, Ann shook her head.
“You don’t have to be sorry; you brought me the best thing of my life. I had Nattra. Plus, even if I never have been reunited with you,
I have the memories; our memories that I treasure. If I were to choose, I would rather have met you than to have not.
The pain is nothing, as long as I know you exist and is happy, I have contended.” I watched as the loving words flowed
softly out of Ann's mouth. Her lips were chapped and she looked tired. She must be in a lot of pain right now. And talking to me
probably wasn’t making it any easier any on her. I should stop.
“I think you should rest.” I stood up, trying to smile. It didn’t work.
“Chakrit, listen to me.” Ann paused for a second. “I love you. I really do; I loved you five years ago, and I still love you.
My love for you will never stop no matter what. I don’t want to hold you back, I don’t to trap you. Don’t feel like you have
to stay with me out of guilt, I don’t want that. I want you to be happy, like I said. Your happiness is also mine.” Ann had tears in
her eyes now. “So, if you want to leave, go ahead, anytime. I just want you to know that I love you. Forever and ever, and no matter
what you do, I hope you will do it. Don’t take me to mind, make your own decisions.”
I watched her in disbelief. I understood that her words were for my benefit. But it hurt that she didn’t trust me.
I wouldn’t eve leave her, I know that I will never leave her. I wouldn’t leave even if she got on her
knees and begged. But, I understand her meaning. She means that if I don’t love her, I should go search for my true love.
Instead, I shouldn’t be here, with someone I don’t love. The thing is; she’s wrong. I still can’t say I love her, I don’t know if
I do or not. I want her to be happy; I want her to be happy so much that I will give up all I have. I will give up my money, my job,
my fame, maybe even my life.
“I won’t ever leave you.” I smiled at her, this time, it wasn’t forced. I was comforting her; she needed comfort in her world;
A world that was so alone and so full of sadness. Ann let go of her breath, she must have been holding her breath.
Was she scared that I was going to say, “Okay then, have a good life, see ya!”? I wouldn’t ever do that, I didn’t even think about it until now.
“Don’t worry. Listen Ann, I don’t know if I love you, I still don’t understand my feelings towards you. But I do
know that I care about you very much. Much more than most of the people I know.” I stopped and took a breath.
“It’s going to take some time. Hopefully, you wouldn’t mind.”
Ann’s face was delighted, filled with pleasure and happiness. She smiled traveled from her mouth, to her cheeks,
to her eyes that gleamed with delight. She was happy and I felt satisfied. I have never really spoke of my feelings for her,
this time, it’s all out. Plus, she understands and I understand her now. It’s perfect. Now, some time in between is all that is needed;
all that I ask for.
I left after that, Ann needed some rest, or else she will only grow weaker. And that is the exact thing
I’m trying to prevent. I can’t have her getting sicker when I’m worrying my head off, trying to get her to become healthy again.