Need advice/Opinion

[forevertogether]

Ok guys i have a problem and i would like to share with you guys and want you guys to gives me your opinion or advice. I 24yrs old and been dating my first boyfriend for 1 yrs now. This past weekend my boyfriend family's have a family dinner at a buffet and he want me to go with him to join his family. Plus i was his only ride there. Since i was shy more than shyness i choose not to go. I let him drive my car there. When he get there his family ask how he get there and where is me. He just tell his family that i dont want to go join dinner with them which is partly a lie. I would like to join them, but it just that i was shy and can't control my shyness so i choose not to go. So right now his family think that i dont like them and i was disrespecting them including him. These days he was angry at me and keep saying that i disrespecting his family, but i already tell him straight out that i would like to join his family, but i just cant control my shyness. Plus i tell him that he shouldn't say to his family that i dont want to join them. He should of have tells them that i was shy and so i choose to stay or maybe make up a good excuse. Well i did not expect that his family want me to join them too because i was only his girlfriend, not his wife. To me i just think that it was a family thing and family should join only.

 

[YM_gurl]

I say fight your shyness and stop being shy. im not trying to bash on you but you have been dating this guy for a year!! I would understand if your boyfriend wasn't able to make it and wanted you to go but he went too. You should have went.

Going to dinner with your boyfriend's family should be a piece of cake, all you have to do is show up, eat and if you want to help pay, pay. You don't even have to talk to his parents unless they talk to you but that should not be a matter not to show up.

I'm shy around my boyfriend's family too yet i still have the courage to show up at their family dinners, birthday parties and etc. As long as i am invited and free on that day, I will show up.

Also because you lend your car to your boyfriend but didn't go, they will think like that. You know how hmong parents are, if you like the son, you must like the family and be comfortable around them even if you are just a girlfriend. ( ask yourself this question, why do people date? to get married and start a future.)

On the other hand, does your boyfriend show up at your family's events? if so, you should be fair and show up at his too.

 

[Mistspyed]

I totally understand your shyness. I am a type of girl who's very old school, very old fashion, and very hmong. I don't think I would go too (but if it was a caucassion boyfriend, it would totally different story) it's not only that i'm shy but it's how our culture is set up. I think that going out with boyfriend's family is more Americanized, in Hmong culture and especially back in the old days, the girl would never go out the boyfriend's family because people would gossip and the family didn't like it. They would be like "She's not even marry to him but she acts like she's his wife. Isn't she ashamed?!" This may be old school, but I still hear these kind of things. So yeah, I completely understand you, I think your boyfriend should've been a little bit more sensitive toward you, it's not like you didn't want to go. What he could've don't is help you cope with your shyness. If you do go to events with his family, you should consider about what'll his family will think. If they like it you and don't think bad about you attending (aren't old school) then feel free to go, if they are, then you are right about not going.

 

[kulyia]

what a jackass lol how dare he lie to his family? shy and dont are two different things. they should respect your decision

 

[mmm0403]

I would ask him to correct his lie or break off with him. How dare he made his family misunderstood! There were many answers he could have given to his family. I wouldn't change myself too much if I were you. Changing ones personality to be something else could end up a disaster.

 

[HuabNag]

I think you did the right thing for not going to eat with his family when you two are just dating. You were right it is just his family thingy and you're not part of the family yet. Many parents still put girl who wanna be the daughter-in-law down when they are not yet be. Also if you are going to marry him, you have 100s more years to be with his family, no need to hurry.

About him lying to his family, that is a sign that he will lie to his parent in the future if you're not doing what he likes. Hopefuly this would be the only time he did this otherwise you will problem with the in-laws in the future because of him. He doesn't know how to be a mediator. He suppose to make both side like each other, not the other way. Sorry to say this but this guy is brainless..cause he can't think.

I have to agree with mmm0403 that you should make him tell his family about his lying so he'll learn his lesson not to lie like this situation again. Hope you will be able to clear up with his family and he will be more man in the future.

 

[YM_gurl]

All i gotta say is, it's the 21st Century, don't live in the old days.

There are actually married women these days that wished to know their husband's family, before they gotten married so us single
ladies should take advantage of that. Get to know our boyfriend's family as much as we can, before we tie the knot in the near future.

It's better to know then not to know and be surprise in the future.

 

[ddawbb]

Well, you are 24.. I'm 24 too lol. I think that you need to mature. (I'm telling you in a nice friendly way, not scolding hehe)
His family would probably enjoy meeting you. Before one of my brother in laws got married he brought his gf (now his wife) to our home during a big hu plig for my in-laws and it was nice for everyone to meet her. Once they got married, she was not a total stranger.

 

[mmm0403]

Ok guys i have a problem and i would like to share with you guys and want you guys to gives me your opinion or advice. I 24yrs old and been dating my first boyfriend for 1 yrs now. This past weekend my boyfriend family's have a family dinner at a buffet and he want me to go with him to join his family. Plus i was his only ride there. Since i was shy more than shyness i choose not to go. I let him drive my car there. When he get there his family ask how he get there and where is me. He just tell his family that i dont want to go join dinner with them which is partly a lie. I would like to join them, but it just that i was shy and can't control my shyness so i choose not to go. So right now his family think that i dont like them and i was disrespecting them including him. These days he was angry at me and keep saying that i disrespecting his family, but i already tell him straight out that i would like to join his family, but i just cant control my shyness. Plus i tell him that he shouldn't say to his family that i dont want to join them. He should of have tells them that i was shy and so i choose to stay or maybe make up a good excuse. Well i did not expect that his family want me to join them too because i was only his girlfriend, not his wife. To me i just think that it was a family thing and family should join only.

I'm shy just like you and would do the same. If he really wanted you to meet his family at the dinner, he would have just drag you inside the car and drive off knowing that you were just shy. I don't think he cared that much whether you went or not. If he did something like this to me, he has better apologize to me and then clear things out with his family or I would dump his ass. Good luck to you. Remember women don't need men, only men need women.

 

[pbv]

There is no reason why he should tell his family that you don't want to go, sounds a little jackassy to me. That doesn't sound like an understanding boyfriend to me. I'm sorta like you. My family is very traditional and very hmong so I tend to watch what I do concerning my boyfriend and his family. If its just dinner with the immediate family I'm fine but I also make sure I don't go to his house a lot and I always make sure its ok before I do something that will embarass my family. Like if he asked me to a bigger family function, I'd probably not go because its not my place to go and I don't want people wondering what I'm doing there so I'll just tell him to make up an excuse if people who do know me ask where I am. His family is much more americanized than mine so they almost expect me at their big functions sometimes but I don't go because in my family's eyes, thats no ok. And my boyfriend understands that so he doesn't A.) force me to go and B.) tell his family I don't want to be there. Basically I'm saying that your boyfriend should understand if he was a good boyfriend and not make you out to look like an idiot. I would not let it go if my boyfriend told his family something like that about me when all i've been trying to do is protect my reputation. You should decide if he really is a good guy and if he'll likely look out for you in the future.

 

[cecilia]

If i'm in your shoe -- i wouldn't go .. not that i don't want to join but it's not my place to go. Like you said .. hmong ppl has this assumption about clinging girl who are not married yet so you did the right thing for not joining if you're shy. Why make a fool out of yourself or being talk of the town as the clinging and desperate girl. I know our young ppl dont' think like that but the OG ppl who were at the event might assume things to be this way.

 

[pangmoua]

I understand where you're getting to, I myself am shy and may have done the same thing but i do have a few questions, within the one year you two were dating, were you ever introduced or met his family before? If you have, how was the meeting? If you have met them and everything went well, maybe you should have gone to the gathering. He should have told his family the truth that you're still shy about meeting his family, i am sure his family would understand. I mean who isn't shy to meet their boyfriend/girlfriend's family unless you go over to their place every day then of course you're not going to be shy. anyways, just like mentioned above, if he wants you to go then he'll drag you or persuave you to go until you give in because he would really want you to be a part of the gathering and meet his family. I'm sure you'll have more times to meet them and change their mind about you not liking them and disrespecting them.

 

[candi]

It's wrong on your bf's part to tell them that. It's true, you dont want to go because you are shy and he should respect that. He could've made some other excuse, that you were busy or something. And you know, even if you go, who knows what they will still say about you too. He really need to explain to his family or they will think you dont like them for sure. Or next, just go and say "I'm sorry I couldnt make it last time. I was busy."