sarN said:
I send my condolences girl! Your cousin death are the same as my nephew, a car accident . He barely turn 18 as well. While the car was spinning after the impact he leap out the window but didn't make it , half of his body was crush under the vehicle and he was already dead at the scene . It was so sad!!! Never expected ! While I was under hot water for a few years and couldn't return to my family in the US , I missed my grandma the most . She lived with us for over 30 years and out of all her grandchildren , my family are the closest to her . And from the time i can remember not one single grandkid visit her on a regular basic , the most was 1 x every 5/10 years and they only live 10 min away . I was always there to take her to doctor , temple , or where ever her heart desire . When i was able to return back in the country I couldn't even stay in my hometown. I have to stay in TX and she would call me every week to come home and tell me how much she miss me and no body take her to the doctor . She keep on mentioning if she die i wouldn't be able to make it to her bedside . She told me that she no longer live with my parent and move out to live with my Aunt because without me nobody have time to take care of her . I was sad and felt so bad because i know it hard to please my grandma if she live anywhere else she wouldn't fit in , even if the people she live with are her children.
I was so happy when news come that i can goes back home . I still remember her smile and how she hug me and complain how much weight i loss . Sadly , her life was cut short . One month after I return home she pass away in her sleep , she was 95 . I cry so much at the hospital . I was so mad at all my cousins because they only appear when she dead and while she alive they did not care or attend to her need or even call. It been about 7 months since her death now and i move into her old room ever since . She always wanted for me to get marry and have a family because she wanted to see my kids before she pass way . I regret it now . I should had listen her and marry that Dr ! She liked him and wanted me to marry some one smart. I refuse because i dislike the idea of arrange marriage and to an older man . I remember what she said to me that day " sarN , if you don't marry that man at your age now . You will never marry at all and you will be an old maid " . O' gosh . I crying now. T T . I'll send my share. ok
omg, sarn, we literally went through the same stuff...i never knew that...everything that happened to u (minus the having the leave the U.S part) happened with me too.
in the last few years of her life, grandma lived with me and my family. actually, she was living with us off and on before that too for most of her life, but bc of random things, she switched in and out of auntz and unclez homes (the same reasons u mentioned with ur grandma). me and my family were the closest to her. and for as long as i could remember, no one ever usually visited her despite being close by. i took care of my grandma these past few years, but deep down inside there were many times my attention to her was not at itz full worth. so, therez a ton of guilt and hurt inside of me. i cant explain it all, but itz the most painful feeling i ever felt. the last few months of her life, i kind of treated our daily interactions like it was routine. came home from work, prepared food for grandma, and just talk to her for only a few mins, then said my good night...and just headed straight for my room. only maybe a few times in the last month could i actually remember sitting down with her to truly spend time and talk.
i remember three nights before grandma passed away, she asked me y i didnt sleep with her. and the dumbest reason i told her was i couldnt really sleep with the lights on. yeh, wtf, right. that was my excuse. even though it was true that i had a tough time sleeping with lights on, deep down inside i know it was a lot of other dumb shit...like i didnt want to sleep early, i just wanted to play on the internet...watch lakorns...whatever else. in my head i just thought she would be around forever or something. she seemed so healthy! i didnt know she would be gone from me forever...only three days later. i actually feel hate for myself right now. i know itz not something i should be thinking or feeling, but i do feel it. the amount of anger i have for myself is as much as a knife piercing my heart. if i could turn back time...even for just a few months...i would be just...so grateful.
i want to type more things im feeling inside but it hurts too much. in fact, it took everything inside me to just type the last four or five sentences. the truth is i read ur post to this thread two nights ago...but i havent stopped crying since reading it. i really havent been able to respond. therez nothing to justify that in the last few months of her life, my attention to her just lessoned and lessoned...and it makes me sick that i took her for granted.
