Relationship Advice

[Siana2479]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for having the opportunity to read my story. Hopefully some of you have similar story and probably could give me some advice. We're both adult and he is 7 years older than I am. We're been dating for 8 months now. I know this might seem short for some of you. He has a great paying job yet he has no goal set up for himself which we're so opposite. He has his own place but don't care to think about investing in a home of your own. He's generous but yet sometime I think he's act too young for his age. He spend money like he doesn't care. As for me i think about the future of one day have a family and obvious nothing a a guarantee so you have to have some save away for that raining day. I myself have a lot more bills than he does but have more money save away. We don't live together, I have my own place and my bill is a lot more than his. And i could save a lot more money than he does. I have car payment, rent, credit card and other misc. He only have rent. His rent is not even half of what i'm paying over my place. Anyhow a conversation came up about buying a house, i figure at our age its time to invest in a property of our own. After mentioning it his reply was "why get a place when i pay real cheap rent". What am i to say after he mention that? "Why would you want to spend so much on a house and have a headache, when you could pay cheap and just enjoy life?" My heart drop after he mention that, i work so hard to save money so i could get my own place and here is my bf not caring about getting your own place. He has a heart of gold but he also have a bad spending habit someone who's older than me but have nothing in his name sometime make me have a change of heart. I know what some of you might think that I might chose money over him that's not the cause. I have more money and more things than he does even when we first met but he has a caring heart. Right now i'm fustrated of my decision because i don't think we're in that depth of a relationship yet and i just have mixed emotion of what to do. Please help.

 

[lakorndemon]

i know that i'm only 17 but my question...if he doesn't really care about your life, why even bother??? i mean, it really just depends...if he like the life style he's having now then there will be a wonder why he said that...
otherwise he's a jerk about it but i'll say if you want a place of your own then do it...
don't wait until someone decides for you...
if it's going to break your relationship however then think twice before doing it...
and your bf is probably half right too...
because it's like saying, "is it worth it paying all that for just a place?"
ask yourself that question and maybe, the answer will appear to you in anyway...
plus, don't get your bf involved in your problems too...
otherwise you'll get yourself more stress if you think about it...
this is just my advice...if you don't like it, you don't have to listen...lol...
it's really only a 17 year old advice afterall...lol...

 

[KhoOnxNouxWanxJai]

Honestly I can see this from both side.

Your side; Your a woman so of course its natural to think about the future and he's not giving you that security that you need. Sure its only been 8 months, but you are thinking in the back of your head if it did progress any further then would this guy be prepared for your future together and what is being shown is that he isn't. I think the best thing to do would be to talk to him about your concerns.

His Side; The economy is horrible right now so maybe is fearful of what would happen. It's actually wiser to stay in an apartment with this economy vs owning a home. Sure it'll be nice to invest in your own home and it is buyers market, but at the same time with the economy in the rebuild stage its probably his reasoning that he doesn't want to risk the security that he has .... Its a little more complicated I guess

 

[Siana2479]

Thanks for the comments. Definately some good advices coming from both. He is at that age where I think he should think about being committed and having a family, he is well in his 30s yet sometime act like he's 18. I'm alot younger than him but I feel I'm more mature. He graduate from college and have a good career. Don't you think its time he thinks about the future? Right now is a buyer market and if we both wait for the economy to get better, we might not be able to afford it. We both don't have any string attach. We both don't have any kid. But as he mention before to me; if I buy a house he would move in as well but for him to buy a house he wouldn't. I'm just fustrated sometime trying to reason with him. He's stubborn. I know Love is not measure by what we have but what we have with each other.

 

[lakorndemon]

lol...u know what they say...girls mature faster than boys...
but then again...at his age he should be thinking about the future...lol...

 

[7270]

I think the dude is fine with the way he's handling his finances. He doesn't have any debt besides paying cheap rent. When you buy a house, you not only pay the mortgage but the utilities, house insurance, property tax, maintenance, etc.... So many people bought houses during the housing bubble and look how screwed they are now. A successful relationship doesn't always mean a house, car and 2.5 children.

 

[Thookatha]

everyone had some really great point of views, and those are just some foods for thought. however, i think ur real concern here is not actually the idea of getting houses and cars, right? ur more concerned that he currently lacks the foundation of security, both physically & mentally, and his personality is far too indifferent...for your taste.

here's where it gets crazy. relationships and companionship in general can not be put in the same category as ice cream flavors. haha unfortunately, that's what we girls do. the real factor is that we need to practice reflecting on ourselves, and then think about whether we see any motives to keep investing in the relationship or not? that's all we can do. it's not just a "your taste" situation...it's honoring his flavor as well.

when u choose to step into a relationship, you have to think about everything including compromising, taking risks and dealing with the blinding factor of love. i don't think u will ever be able to change someone or their foundational thoughts, but u may be able to influence their decisions to see or add additional perspectives.

just because he's comfortable with the way things are now doesn't mean he's not ever going to consider alternative means later. that's where trust comes in. do u trust him to get there? again, reflect upon urself. analyzing him will only give u headaches.

who knows, maybe he's dissecting the pros and cons of the relationship just as much as u are, but chooses not to jump the gun. but even if he wasn't/isn't thinking these things, u still have to give him room (which includes time) to naturally establish his own status and inner truth. or, u can walk away. just because he's older than u doesn't mean he's had the life experience to promote new measures.

i hope my words can help ease any knots that may be tying u up. good luck with everything.

 

[Siana2479]

Thanks everyone for the gread input. Thookatha, you have some really great advice on relationship. I know we haven't been with each other that long, but speaking from a woman who wants to settle down one day, it's hard to see your significant other who's "only live for the moment". I know its so much easier if we both are younger and we both don't that much going on. He has a nice job and I have my own career and financially we both are stable. We have no kid. So sometime I wonder the reason is still single or not settling down could be coming from him. Sometime I wonder if he waits until he's 40s to settle down. As for us female I don't think we want to wait that long. Last night we talked about our relationship and where its heading or where we want it to go. His vague comments was "let just go with the flow, watever happen, happens, nothing is forever". I know it is so true what he said but it hurt hearing it from him. When i told him he change he put the reverse statement toward me saying I changed that is why he is the way he is. I'm fustrated because now I doubt the way he feels toward me. If he looses interest in me. I know we both work crazy hours and we don't live together but that should make us be closer to one another knowing that we don't see each other that much. We are so different in many ways is that why its harder for us to get along. But to me I thought opposite attract. This is so fustrated and I know I can't part away from him right now because I care to much for him. What should i do?

 

[Siana2479]

Also it would be nice to hear from a guy point of view on this situation as well. Sometime its so hard to dig into a guy head to know what he's thinking. They tend to not be as open as us female.

 

[u00htg2]

Unfortunately, it sounds like you two are at different places in life. You want security and commitment, and he's. . .just not ready. He's just want to play and have fun (for now).

 

[Thookatha]

as much as it sucks to hear the things he says, it's the truth. i respect the truth. he could be making false promises to you, but it doesn't seem like that's happening. perhaps he really is just unsure of how things will go right now. you know him best. and unfortunately, that's a chance you'll have to take...or not take.

i know you think that age (or numbers, in general) measures a lot of decisions we have to make in life. and as a woman, i can't help but have those tendencies too. however, the commitment you are looking for is not the kind of commitment that will last if it is forced or not measured correctly. to have something lasting, you wait until it absolutely feels "right"...no matter how old you get. as long as you are making moves that will fairly benefit you, the process will still continue and it will still involve commitments. these kinds of commitments are the ones that make u question urself...not the circumstance. i can't stress enough how important it is to reflect upon yourself. truly think about whether u are willing to wait. can u bare to "fall", IF that day comes? are u open to adjustments in your relationship if it doesn't involve a house together or a joint bank account? what matters most to you...being together in the traditional sense or being together no matter where it takes you? ETC.

hang in there, but don't hang on to overly developed dreams...especially with the whole opposites attract thing...cuz that only works for some people.

and remember, u can always come here to vent or talk.

 

[Siana2479]

Thookatha, those are some really great advices. Yes I thought about it and you are definately right on the money. I'm willing to wait and see where it goes. I know deep down he does love me and care for me. I think he's more afraid if things doesn't work out. He has a very generous heart and sometime I do ignore it and I'm sure I do hurt him sometime but that's something that I was willing to change and except. As I realize you understand him he is more of afraid of being hurt since he've gone thru numerous relationship. He had said to me in all his relationship the female are usually the one that broke up with him. After hearing that from him it torn me into pieces how I could acted so selfishly toward his feelings. I do understand where he's coming from now and we're starting to understand each other feelings as well. We both have weak hearts. We talked deep into our relationship and obviously timing is everything and at this moment we both are willing to wait until the time is right. Thank you again everyone for your great input. I know there is no perfect relationship, we all have our ups and downs. Is passing that stage that makes it worth it at the end. Thanks again.

 

[Thookatha]

Thookatha, those are some really great advices. Yes I thought about it and you are definately right on the money. I'm willing to wait and see where it goes. I know deep down he does love me and care for me. I think he's more afraid if things doesn't work out. He has a very generous heart and sometime I do ignore it and I'm sure I do hurt him sometime but that's something that I was willing to change and except. As I realize you understand him he is more of afraid of being hurt since he've gone thru numerous relationship. He had said to me in all his relationship the female are usually the one that broke up with him. After hearing that from him it torn me into pieces how I could acted so selfishly toward his feelings. I do understand where he's coming from now and we're starting to understand each other feelings as well. We both have weak hearts. We talked deep into our relationship and obviously timing is everything and at this moment we both are willing to wait until the time is right. Thank you again everyone for your great input. I know there is no perfect relationship, we all have our ups and downs. Is passing that stage that makes it worth it at the end. Thanks again.

in relationships, when things get "deep" and you're not seeing everything you want to see, but then you KNOW you have to make those decisions (even with the chance of severe suffering,) it's a fearful thing. either way you go, it's going to be scary as sh*t...then you reach a point. and even at that point, it's gonna be the cut that feels like it will never heal, or the start of a different challenge.

despite how the outcome happens, it is very important to remember that the cuts do heal, and life is about "living and learning". after all, the big picture is a healthy, lasting relationship. if you see "taking a risk" as "giving things a chance", it gets more optimistic. the last thing you want is an ending that happened because two people were drowning in petty thoughts. although, having the traditionally seasoned establishment is very nice too...especially for us girls.

i'm really glad you came to some first step decisions in this particular stage of your partnership. as you mentioned, the true companion is someone who is not selfish or afraid to invest in the understanding of their partner...even if it means sacrificing their own instant gratifications. ur reflections seemed to have opened up important "measures" in the relationship. he is actually communicating to you the way you want him to. obviously, you will still feel like it is not enough, or that it wouldn't hurt to have more. but that's for the circumstance to decide. continue to identify your motives/moves, and continue to reflect/focus on shared dreams. if you figure out the common desires, it will heighten the relationship and rear the results you desire as the individual.

here is something you might want to try:

from now on, don't stress or be the one to bring up the topics about houses, cars, or money. i'm a girl. i know those aren't things you necessarily care about. it's just concrete things that make u feel complete if you have it with him. just let things be, and let him wonder why you haven't talked about those things in a while. this eliminates constant reminders about what he thinks you want, and what he often feels you are rushing him into. he will get more curious (and serious) with you one day if you allow him to refine at his own rate. it's like the saying "i love you". some people think it's a term of endearment that keeps the intertwining souls united, and some people think it shouldn't get thrown out so frequently because the meaning gets watered down. the same thing happens with the talk of houses, cars, and marriage...only, it gets misinterpreted as literal factors versus the solidification of partnership steps. hence, the need for concrete ties.