should parents ask for dowry prices over 6000.00

[mvshutters]

I know a few girls who have told that their parents are expecting 10,000 for them just because they have a BS/and or master. Do you guys think its a fair price to charge just because your daughter has reach a certain education level?

I personally think that it is unfair to charge such an extreme amount for one person. I believe that hmong parents should not put more or less value on their daughters--with or without a college education. I think that the concept of dowry is way to old school and traditional for our generation. What are you thoughts?

 

[lady_sati]

i think the dowry should be up to both sides.
a girl can have a degree but be a total biotch, right?
i think it should be left to the elders.
cause the elders have to take into account past clan relationships, etc.
i know that past relationships are taken into account,
and family sometimes family orientation and such.

dowry is not about money itself, but it's about respect.
giving the money to the women's side of the family is respect.
if you love the wife and the mother in law, why you gotta be bitter about money in general, right?
i know that not everyone is rich, but that can be negotiated between the elders.

if someone is $7,000, $6,000, $7,500, it shouldnt matter.
it's the respect that comes out from both side on handling the wedding,
and keeping future relationships stable and controlable.

*rants*

i think im a well mannered person. i. think.
if i was just worth $2000, i would be mad for the fact that,
my parents are not respected and they are only worth $2,000.
i think i come from a nice, respected clan.
i hope that never be the case for me, but if it is, f that!
i'll give my parents some money and drop kick my husband j/k.

i would love to hear more opinions.

 

[mmm0403]

i will make sure that my parents ask for a high dowry from the guy i eventually will marry someday. Why? Because almost all my brother-in-laws are a bunch of bastards that don't treat my cousins right. Thaum ub tsis tau mas nim ua ciaj ua tuag kom tau thiaj tas, tsis tau ces yuav tuag, tab sis tau tsis muaj peb hnub xwb saib yus zoo li tsiaj. I have seen and heard of all kinds of brother-in-laws. Tus es respect yus niam yus txiv thiab yus cov neej tsa los muaj, tus ua txuj mob mob plab yuav tuag thaum hais txog mus pab yus cov neej tsab ua noj; tus tuaj txog es nyob hauv ntshev xwb tsis kam los tsev; tus txhob txwm khiav mus nus ntses lawm thaum paub tiab yus tus yus txiv lawm muaj noj loj es yuav tau mus pab; tus niaj hnub hu nrog hluas nkauj hmoob plog tham los muaj, tus yuav niam yaum los muaj, tus ntaus poj niam los muaj, and so on. How often did I hear about a man loving a woman? Almost never. So, I think good to ask for that much of money from the groom's family.

Thaum tuaj ua tshoob, kuv xav kom my family txhom cawv ntau ntau rau the groom thiab make the pij xab really heavy for him to carry. It's no big deal considering he only has to walk a couple of steps to the car. Remember, yog tias koj tsev neeg ua zoo zoo rau the guy's family, lawv yuav saib tsis taus koj cov kwv tij neej tsam; tej thaum lawv yuav tsia koj cov kwv tij zoo li neeg nruam lawv tsis ntshai. Lawv yuav tau koj mus, lawv tsis khev. So, it's good to charge a high dowry and be really tough to them so they will remember not to treat u bad.

 

[pink_juliet_kashie]

i think the dowry should be up to both sides.
a girl can have a degree but be a total biotch, right?
i think it should be left to the elders.
cause the elders have to take into account past clan relationships, etc.
i know that past relationships are taken into account,
and family sometimes family orientation and such.

dowry is not about money itself, but it's about respect.
giving the money to the women's side of the family is respect.
if you love the wife and the mother in law, why you gotta be bitter about money in general, right?
i know that not everyone is rich, but that can be negotiated between the elders.

if someone is $7,000, $6,000, $7,500, it shouldnt matter.
it's the respect that comes out from both side on handling the wedding,
and keeping future relationships stable and controlable.

*rants*

i think im a well mannered person. i. think.
if i was just worth $2000, i would be mad for the fact that,
my parents are not respected and they are only worth $2,000.
i think i come from a nice, respected clan.
i hope that never be the case for me, but if it is, f that!
i'll give my parents some money and drop kick my husband j/k.

i would love to hear more opinions.

I totally agree...some people label dowry as putting a price on the daughter
no..like u say it is out of respect for the parents and their ancestors...

and as u say degree or not what if she is a B...so i do agree too it would
be best off for the olders to decide...but like u I tink i'm prettie well educated &mannered
..OGs seem to love me mucho so if my dowry was the same as some B w/ out no
ed. i would be angry as well


we recently had a debt about this..and another point i want to make is
if you can't even put 6,000 or 7,000 on the table...i don't tink you're ready to
start a life w/ the gal you want to marry because we all know starting a family
together cost much more than that

 

[mvshutters]

I totally agree...some people label dowry as putting a price on the daughter
no..like u say it is out of respect for the parents and their ancestors...

and as u say degree or not what if she is a B...so i do agree too it would
be best off for the olders to decide...but like u I tink i'm prettie well educated &mannered
..OGs seem to love me mucho so if my dowry was the same as some B w/ out no
ed. i would be angry as well


we recently had a debt about this..and another point i want to make is
if you can't even put 6,000 or 7,000 on the table...i don't tink you're ready to
start a life w/ the gal you want to marry because we all know starting a family
together cost much more than that

respect does not come in the form of money. one have to be respectful first in order to receive respect. i've seen plenty of girls whose parents ask for over 6000.00 or ask for as little as 5000.00--but that did not mean their parents were respected more or less. if you think that giving more money means the guy and his family respect you and your family then it is a wrong assumption. also, a person does not need to have 6-7K in order to be ready to be marry. its true that money makes life so much easier but there are other components to it too. say for example the love, care, and affection of your potential husband and his family.

I think that the biggest thing that is wrong with hmong girls of today's society is they they want to be worth something more then what it actually it.
Your worth should not be set in dollar value. just because hmong parents think money means respect does not mean it actually is RESPECT.

 

[SuabCoobThoj]

I personally think that the parents should not even ask for a dowry price at all. I feel it is up to the guy to give whatever he wants to the parents as a form of gift. I think it will be more special than what money can buy, especially when it is coming from the soon to be son-in-law.

The only problem I see with this is that there are too many selfish people who will do too many selfish things.

 

[nkaujhmooblauj]

actually.. grooms don't even put down the dowry these days.
his parents do
that's why guys don't really care about losing their wife
because they didn't even invest anything

 

[mvshutters]

I personally think that the parents should not even ask for a dowry price at all. I feel it is up to the guy to give whatever he wants to the parents as a form of gift. I think it will be more special than what money can buy, especially when it is coming from the soon to be son-in-law.

The only problem I see with this is that there are too many selfish people who will do too many selfish things.

too many hmong parents get greedy when it comes to dowry prices. as a girl myself i would feel disrespected if all my parents want is x amount of money for me. us hmong girls need to realize that we are not a piece of property that is going to be sold to someone else

 

[mainira]

i think the dowry should be up to both sides.
a girl can have a degree but be a total biotch, right?
i think it should be left to the elders.
cause the elders have to take into account past clan relationships, etc.
i know that past relationships are taken into account,
and family sometimes family orientation and such.

dowry is not about money itself, but it's about respect.
giving the money to the women's side of the family is respect.
if you love the wife and the mother in law, why you gotta be bitter about money in general, right?
i know that not everyone is rich, but that can be negotiated between the elders.

if someone is $7,000, $6,000, $7,500, it shouldnt matter.
it's the respect that comes out from both side on handling the wedding,
and keeping future relationships stable and controlable.

*rants*

i think im a well mannered person. i. think.
if i was just worth $2000, i would be mad for the fact that,
my parents are not respected and they are only worth $2,000.
i think i come from a nice, respected clan.
i hope that never be the case for me, but if it is, f that!
i'll give my parents some money and drop kick my husband j/k.

i would love to hear more opinions.

i think you mean the bride's price
dowry is what the bride is bring to the groom's side

i totally agree on what you said. i have a successful career as a BSN, RN and if my husband only paid $6,000 for me, i would be piss. not only will i demand the amount to be higher, i will demand that my husband come to my house and ask for my hand in marriage with the elder. i am not going to "follow him". i agree that the money part is for respect and security on both party. plus, when you actually think about it, the girl's dowry most of time is almost the same as the bride's price( parent demand alot, parent give alot!!!). come on ladies, what do we want to hear after we are married, " his wife must be someone special to be worth so much" or " she's ONLY worth $2,000". i think i rather hear the first statement. not meant to anybody in particular but if you are a high school graduate getting marry, don't expect too much. i encourage everyone to have at least what i have and than marry.

 

[pyang]

I thought the price ($5,000) was set for new brides, unless something happen and the girl side blou (wrong spelling-asking for more to fix the face or something).

My mom always joke about how $5,000 is little and it's not worth all their strength raising us. (<-- that sounded better in hmong. lol.) But then when we hear about other people asking for more than $5,000 my mom would joke about how she's not greedy and just give us away for free. haha.

I don't think the price should go up just because you have a higher education. BA/BS/MA or not you're still getting marry and marriage is about love and spending the rest of your life with the one you love; there should'nt be a price tag on it but hmong have been doing this for so long so we just still do it today.

I haven't heard anyone get married and ask for $10,000, usually if the negotiation don't go smoothly (girl side asking for too much and guy's side don't agree) then the guy's peopls just leave and come back another day to negotiate.

 

[menchukelly]

respect does not come in the form of money. one have to be respectful first in order to receive respect. i've seen plenty of girls whose parents ask for over 6000.00 or ask for as little as 5000.00--but that did not mean their parents were respected more or less. if you think that giving more money means the guy and his family respect you and your family then it is a wrong assumption. also, a person does not need to have 6-7K in order to be ready to be marry. its true that money makes life so much easier but there are other components to it too. say for example the love, care, and affection of your potential husband and his family.

I think that the biggest thing that is wrong with hmong girls of today's society is they they want to be worth something more then what it actually it.
Your worth should not be set in dollar value. just because hmong parents think money means respect does not mean it actually is RESPECT.

I do agree with you 'mvshutters'.It is never mentioned in any dictionary that respect means giving money.No offense meant,okay? As we all know,respect begets respect.To be ready for marriage does not only mean you have to be financially prepared,but there are several things to be taken into consideration.One very important thing is love between the couple,followed by maturity and emotional understanding with each other and between the two concerned families.Sometimes the song "Money for Nothing" is true because money isn't everything in life.
Sometimes,if I think beyond this custom of giving dowry to the woman's parents,it gives me a negative thought/concept and perception about it.It seems that the man(husband-to-be) is buying the woman(wife-to-be).
And when time comes that the marriage falls on the rocks,the husband might badmouth the wife by saying he only bought her for 6K,and that's a heavy slap on the woman's face. And when situations become worst,the husband might hit the wife and say,"I just bought you!" Well,again,no offense meant to those who have contradictory opinions against mine.

 

[vanggirlie]

i don't mind the bride price thing but i think there should be a range like $4000 to $7000...but it doesn't have to be a indefinite price forever.

i always thought that they did this bride price thing because they didn't want their daughters to be used. i mean like the guy won't just marry the girl then throw her away (divorce her or something along that line)...as in paying that much would make the guy think twice before divorcing (or etc) the girl after they're married (not that it really stops them neways). plus you know divorce girl's reputation is much worse then a divorced guy (especially back in the day).

i have three brothers and i can't even imagine how much it will be in total for all their brides.

oh y'all heard about GVP setting the bride price to $5000...but most people just set the price to whatever they want.

 

[cecilia]

dowry is a gift for the parent for raising and helping the daughter ...
it should be up to the parent to decide how much they want b/c it does take alot of effort to bring up a daughter.
just another form to say --- THANKS FOR BABYSITTING MY BRIDE lol

 

[SuabCoobThoj]

Marriages does not always last, that is why it is not a game or something that should be taken lightly. Take time to think before you decide to get married.

Many claimed that the price is put in place so that the guy will value the daughter and not treat her badly. I think that is just a big load of crap. It's all about reputation and saving face. If one family received $7000 for their daughter and another family only received $5000 for theirs, the family who received $5000 would feel embarrassed regardless if they say it or not. Or if a daughter who graduated from college with a Bachelor or Master's degree, and they only asked $5000 for her, don't you think people would laugh? Aside from that, families are being pressured by their relatives on what price range they should ask for anyways. Therefore, this whole price thing with Hmong marriages has got to go. I am sure this is not one of the customs that our ancestors have adopted and we need to put an end to this BS.

 

[pink_juliet_kashie]

respect does not come in the form of money. one have to be respectful first in order to receive respect. i've seen plenty of girls whose parents ask for over 6000.00 or ask for as little as 5000.00--but that did not mean their parents were respected more or less. if you think that giving more money means the guy and his family respect you and your family then it is a wrong assumption. also, a person does not need to have 6-7K in order to be ready to be marry. its true that money makes life so much easier but there are other components to it too. say for example the love, care, and affection of your potential husband and his family.

I think that the biggest thing that is wrong with hmong girls of today's society is they they want to be worth something more then what it actually it.
Your worth should not be set in dollar value. just because hmong parents think money means respect does not mean it actually is RESPECT.

i agree with your points...money doesn't mean respect...but w/ the oldies minds and the youngings mind..we don't go hand in hand for now when my parents/grandparents are alive who raised me with up with love, care and affection I want the guy who's one day going to marry me to respect their beliefs...i'm not forcing him to believe in it...but he should respect their traditions & beliefs..and if that means dowry..then heck yes he should do it...in the future wen its me and him...if we both agree than dowry can be someting in the past

lol my worth was to be set in dollar value I think it'll be off the scale anyways thanks for admitting the importance of money..i'm quite sick of ppl who likes to preach that money is of little importance...i have experienced it myself that w/ money and little love life is frustrating..and same thing the other way around...money & love has to be at a balance

 

[kellylis]

dowry is a gift for the parent for raising and helping the daughter ...
it should be up to the parent to decide how much they want b/c it does take alot of effort to bring up a daughter.
just another form to say --- THANKS FOR BABYSITTING MY BRIDE lol

I totally agree on this one!!! This is best said about all this dowry talk... thank you for babysitting my bride!

 

[hamerica]

The bride's parent get nothing. The wedding probably cost more than that and the parents give back couple thousands for the bride and groom to start their lives.

 

[mvshutters]

The bride's parent get nothing. The wedding probably cost more than that and the parents give back couple thousands for the bride and groom to start their lives.

that's partially true only...


My sister got marry young. My mom ask for 5000.00. The total amount came to be 6300.00 from my brother in law. 5000.00 on the bride and 1300.00 for food and other stuff. Almost another 600 was divided amongst the elders who were there to represent the girl side (our side of the family). My mom returned 1500.00 back to my sister and her husband. My mom keep the rest.

This is a traditional wedding I'm talking about. But for American style wedding it would probably cost more then the traditional wedding. My brother got marry last april. His wife was about 5500.00. There was no ceremony from the brides side. They decided to do an American wedding. It cost them a total of 8000.00 just for he reception alone. The brides family did not give anything back to them. They keep all the money. The wedding ceremony and reception was paid for from our side of the family which cost more than the bride price.

I think that when it comes to bride prices it all depends on her parents. Some are generous some are not. It doesn't matter how educated or well off the daughter is. It all comes down to how much her parents want from her husband and how much they are willing to return back to their daughter and son in law.

 

[hamerica]

Just the things and money me and my husband received from my parents were triple of the dowry price. I didn't count the money from my relatives. I mean it depends on the parents.

 

[SunStar]

gosh....i think this issue will never be resolve.... it's been on-going for quite some time now....debating about this issue....