I'm a real bitch!

[pleang sney]

I never know before how it's so hard to having to standing here and listen your mum and your sister lecture you when you are not a child....

Two weeks ago, i broke with my currently bf because of three words that he told me... Maybe, he was thinking that i will be happy to heard it but everytime someone said these words to me, it just scare me and make me run away as far as i can... i know that it's stupid to have this reaction but since the day i notice the power that i can have on the opposite sex, i promise myself to not put my heart and my body in the game and i always success in this way....

And now, it's like i get a big slap in the face...especially when i heard my mum saying how she is sad to have a daughter like me..but what can i do?!..I'm Lily and i'm just a bitch! i just now how to joke around and have fun..i have no respect for others feelings ...

The guy with who i broke try to suicide himself last Sunday and now he's still at the hospital.. when his mum was coming to see me on monday, she supplied me to visit him... and this is so ironic, because i do what she was asking me, but do you know what was my words to him?! i just asking him why he was still alive! and why doesn't he think about a better way to kill himself without screw it up like that!

When my mum heard about that , she was so angry against me ...because this is right that in this story, this is all my fault! i shouldn't date someone else when i'm about to be engaged seriously with someone else... but i don't know... i think this is my nature to act like that..i'm so tired to heard everyone around me saying that i'm a nice and wise girl, when it's really not the truth!!

Ok, this is right that i always smile and help others when i can but it's only because when i was young my mum teach it to me!...and i don't know.. morally, i think this what i have to do... especially when these people are not harmful and are really in the needed...

I met this guy at my friend's party, five month ago.. he was so funny and hilarious .. and then we share the same ideas...At the beginning , we just went out like two friends who exchange their ideas, their interests and then ...i don't know what really happened, but we started to appear together in the party, dinner..and a little bit serious between us...

it's not like he didn't know about the other guy.. because since the first day, i was honest with him and told him that even if i meet someone before summer 2008, it will be just a part of my life because when i promise something to someone , i will always respect my words..and he told me that he understand that...

I got from my mum the fact that she will leave me alone in my life 'til that day and this what she did ...and now it's just a disaster ...

This is not the first time that someone tell me that he loves me or try to suicide himself after i want to break, but this is the first time that i have to support hearing my mum reproach me my behaviour .. especially for someone that just appear in my life...

Usually, i have no feelings, no thoughts .. i'm just a robot that listen the wishes of her family... but i can't resist to play around when i can...

i'm really sad about how our story end ... and maybe it will sound selfish from me, but i was hoping that our story will continue 'til this summer, 'til the day i will get these chains....if only , he didn't say these words...

I learned from my childhood how it's easy to wear a mask and make people believe what they see .. and i'm someone who really enjoy with the life, i always smile, laugh and joking around.. and i know that there are a lot of guys who fall under this natural charm...but what should i say? should i change myself to stop hurting all these stupid guys?!

I was so angry against what my mum told me that i just keeping doing stupid things this week.. it was like lats night, someone was calling after midnight and was like join me at the night club and seriously i don't think a lot and just went out at 1:00 am.... and i drunk so much there that i can't control myself which is totally surprising from me who always know how to keep the control of myself no matter what happen ... but i don't know why, when this girl catch me on the dancefloor and start to kiss me , i didn't think a lot and let her do.. and i can say that i was about to done the night at her house when my friend caught me and brought me to his house ....

And today, i wake up so late that i just missed my plane....

Why it's so bad to be like that....i know that i should have some feelings about this story but it will be like asking me to cry.. and this is one of the three things that i really don't know to do...

I know that word is full of power when you know how to use it.. and maybe i'm mean ...but what can i do when i was raised like that?! should i be hypocrite and say how much i'm sorry for everything?!! that i will try to change myself when i know that it's impossible?!!...Why guys are so lame and so weak nowadays...

 

[marduk]

Too busy to read the whole thing right now but will try later...but what a pansy.

Btw, hi Lily. It's been a while.

 

[neangnee]

There are a couple issues here. I'll be honest about what I think. I don't know you, so I'm just going off what you've shared.

There are elements of this post that really do paint you as a bitch. I don't think it's particular problematic, as all of us have that certain bitch element in us. Women know the power they have, and I don't see why you shouldn't be able to wield it. Men do the same thing, but we certainly get more flack for what we do.

I think you could have had more finesse when you spoke with your ex. I, for my part, wouldn't speak to a person who is clearly heartbroken and disturbed in that fashion. There's a difference between betraying your principles and knowing what not to say. It's that age old idea of, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it. But of course, this is hard if you're not one to mince words and hold your tongue. Honesty is a virtue, but it's also a fairly sharp weapon. Use carefully.

He may be weak because he attempted suicide at all, but everyone deserves a little bit of sympathy. I don't normally have a lot of sympathy for those who take their own lives, or try to...I had a roommate in college that was so morose she tried to kill herself three times in one semester... Anyhow, if you laid out what you were looking for at the start, no one, not your mother even, can lay the blame for his actions at your feet. You were straightforward, right? You're both adults. Everyone should understand that.

In Asian families, expectations for female behavior are so much higher than in Western cultures. I can understand why your mom reamed you, but I also sympathize with you. It's not your fault the boy was weak.

I find your behavior a little reckless and self-destructive, myself. I'm not a prude by any means, but I have a couple friends who have the same patterns of behavior, and I've seen the fall out before. If you're strong enough, smart enough, to act as you do and still come out the other side, I don't see a problem with it. But be worried for yourself. Take care of yourself. You clearly have a tough shell, since you seem fairly detached from your feelings, so I have no doubt you can.



Just my two cents.

 

[Liberty]

I'm sorry I had a little trouble reading your lengthy post due to the broken English but about the last part, nothing is impossible.
If you really wanted to change yourself, only you have the power to do that, not someone else. So if you really wanted to change yourself then do so, find out a way, don't blame your circumstances on the way you were raised. Tons of people grow up to be completely different from the way they were raised to be. Who you are and who you are to become is no one else's fault but your own, learn to take responsibility for your actions and decisions. The truth of the matter is, you're not a robot, even if you feel that way sometimes, you have the capability to think for yourself and make your own decisions as you so clearly demonstrated by going against your mom's teachings.

I've dated plenty and I've always been honest with every guy I date about what kind of person I am and I'm not the type of person to fall in love easily or even consider marriage and children. I've never been in love but it doesn't mean I didn't care because I've always cared and I would never tell someone I cared about to go off themselves, even if they've disappointed me. I would never in a million years say such a hateful thing to another human being. So I'll be brutally honest with you, what you said to that guy about him screwing up his own suicide that's beyond bitch, that's just cold-hearted.

Like Neangnee said, it's not your fault the guy was weak and tried to commit suicide but that there should've been a sign that he's deeply disturbed and heart broken, the way you dealt with it was irresponsible, so I can understand why your mom would be upset.

Being in engaged, you should have never dated another guy to begin with, the fact that you called him your boyfriend or ex, clearly means that you two were in a relationship (even if it's not sexual), and you engaged to another man makes that cheating. You even said it yourself that you know you had this power over him, you should have known better than to encourage his feelings. Being engaged means that other guys are off limits, no matter what unless it's a strictly friendship relationship that will never lead to anything else and you should have made sure that it didn't get beyond friendship.

I have no sympathy for those who can't take responsibility for their own decisions. What you make of yourself and your life is up to you, not someone else. It's not like you live in a tribe in the middle of no where, where women don't have a choice at all. You clearly have a choice in what you decide to do otherwise you wouldn't have gotten yourself into this mess to begin with.

As for guys falling under your natural charm. Let me tell you, you're not the first or only girl to have this charm and I agree it's not your fault that guys fall for it but that doesn't excuse reckless behavior, you still have control over what you do and say. Growing up I've had the same problem with guys, I've never had any trouble in the dating department because any guy I had my eye on I got without trying, but I learned to deal with it in a responsible way. If I know I'm not ready to get involved or not interested then I tell them flat out and if I feel they can't deal with just a friendship then I nip at the bud and cut off all ties to them, it'll be best for the both of us in the long run.
It's not complicated, it's just a matter of knowing what's right and wrong, what's the responsible thing to do and what's not, and what you should do and shouldn't do.

 

[iluvnumandoil]

it okay to a bitch

 

[ijohn]

its simple no sympathy for you and you make me sick that you live you souless piece of flesh ---lmao maybe this is what you want to hear... may you rot in life because hell is to good for a soul like yours---lmao at you girl...

is this the kind of words that turn you on???

ps. lmao@U

pss. don't expect a rebuttal because it sounds to me you live a selfish life buying your way with worthless deeds when the sun sets each day you only think of one yourself,,, absent dreams...

psss. once you told me all life is precious and i guess that was a lie too...

psss. i'm having a bad day with people like you...lmao thanks for making my day with your little story that shows your true nature...

pssss. i never forget the evil i meet... do you remember the day you told me i should kill myself and you didn't even know me???

 

[KhoOnxNouxWanxJai]

reserve;;


Lilly babes; I honestly don't know what to say to you. Everyone is different and honestly you could have handled the situation in a better manner and be the bigger person in it all. I understand your frustration I myself have the same problem. I had to ignore calls from my ex when he was in the hospital. Why? because I seriously didn't want to speak to him. He expected me to forgive him for all the shit he did to me out of sympathy and him being in the hospital and what not. I answered for him once and told him, "You're not the only one who get into accidents, if you died you wouldn't be the only person that died." and I hung up. I felt guilty for saying it but honestly thats the only way I believe that he would just give up and move on and quit trying to gain my attention. 2 Weeks later i got a picture message from him. The guy had carved my name into his arm :huh: I was dumbfounded. I decided that I had to talk to him and let him know that he is done with. We went to a public place with a few friends waiting at another table and I talked. He didn't quite understand; but I had to tell him. Either you take my kind words as of right now or force me to speak to you in a rude manner. You know me and you know my natural response to things. I could care less if you died in front of me. It still wouldn't change the shit that you did to me. I'm not angry with you nor do I forgive you because I can not forget.

I don't think that it has to do anything with guys being weak. I think it just has something to do with his own insecurities and flaws. My ex decided I wasn't the only girl he needed; we were together for almost a year. He told me he loved me and everything and I believed him for awhile. He even proposed to me which was a red flag that this guy might be a bit to much. Well I found out later that he cheated on me or at least his excuse was, "I've been cheated on so many times I didn't know how to react when I finally loved someone I didn't think you would stick around so I searched for someone who might in case we didn't work out."

I laughed at him and told him that he is possibly one of the most selfish person I've ever dated. I went home and looked at my blank wall and thought I would cry, but nope I got up and called some friends and went out. In my head I always thought, "I'm Tina there will be many fishes in my sea." well after that carving my name into his arm incident he tried to kill himself. He asked his sister to inform me.

My response:

"You were never going to do it in the first place; if you were we wouldn't be having this conversation. Also you wouldn't have asked your sister to inform me. I know your sister didn't do it on her own; because she isn't that stupid. You on the other hand are. Next time you try and commit suicide make sure you succeed, but to fore warn you. I won't even consider stepping foot into your funeral."


Ever since that day I thought he would give up, but he didn't he still calls me a million times a day even after I'm married. Even after my husband answered. So basically babes you can't save a psychotic person; or a insecure person.

and so that means I am a bigger bitch than you are not to say that you are =.= I admit my actions were a little extreme and I was a little harsh, but obviously harsh doesn't disturb that asshole

 

[u00htg2]

Lily, are you venting? Go right ahead. It helps to talk out loud, even if other people hear.

 

[darvil]

Wow Lilly.. you sure wrote alot

I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't think you were the type of person who would let your family talk you down. I always somehow imagine you as a rebel. I guess in a way you are huh.

Anyway whats this about blaming yourself for the guy trying to commit suicide. I would only partially blame you if you lead him on or something along that line. Maybe you did it unknowingly but I kind of doubt you did that. That guy sounds weak sauce man.

Unfortunately if you always attract men like that then you have to make to clear to them that you just want to have fun. Giving hints ain't good enough for most. You gotta get a hand drill and drill it into their heads.

Anyway there isn't really anything I can say to fix your problem. Of course I don't think getting smashed is the key to fix anything either but you're a grown girl so you know how to be responsible already and so I won't yell at you. B)

 

[marduk]

Wow, mon amie. I finally finished reading your post, and everyone else's. It's obvious you were just venting and you know, it was a good job of that. However, it's a crappy job of conveying what went on to everyone around here. I think people here have the wrong idea of the whole story. Maybe it's cause I know some background about you, but I feel that your story could've been told in a much better way to indicate the emotional angst you went through.

The question here really isn't whether or not you're a bitch, as some people's responses seem to indicate you needed confirmation or something. You know you were a bitch in this situation. But honestly, from my perspective, how could you not be? Sometime tough love is needed (and i know, you don't love him - it's a figure of speech). Really though, if a guy is dumb enough to want to kill himself over a girl, good riddance. It's all part of natural selection. Stupidity doesn't get weeded out enough in modern society. BUT, in the higher than likely chance that he did this just to try to get attention so that maybe, in some bizarro world, he could get you back, then I think it's good you were tough on him.

The real issue here I think, is your need to break out from whatever mold and idealistic view people have made you into. You say you've always tried to conform yourself into what others believe you are. But in the process, it makes you feel like you're in prison and you lash out in sometimes destructive ways. Maybe it's easier for people to finally give up ridiculous expectations of you if you weren't such a conformist, and maybe that is why you do what you do. I don't know that, and nobody here does.

I don't want to sit here and write things that seem preachy, because that's not my purpose. Je ne suis pas ici pour te reprimander. Je veux juste te soutenir parce que j'ai ete un mauvais ami. Je n'ai pas parler avec toi pour un longtemp et je n'ai vraiment aucune excuse. Je ne sais pas si tu peux comprendre toute que j'ai ecrit mais je vais ecrire le partie importante en francais. La vie n'est pas aussi dure que nous croyons. Si quelque chose te fait sentir mauvais, ignorez ca. Si quelque chose vous rend heureux, embrassez ca. La vie est trop courte pour penser aux choses cela nous faisent sentir mauvais. J'espere que tu te senti mieux.

Merci pour ton message d'anniversaire a moi. Je devrais avoir repondu plus tot.

 

[*Ice*]

u remind me of me haha im quite like u i just think for ma self and wanna do stuff for me and what concerns me i totaly get how u are feelin! bein diff from everyone else is kool coz we all are and u maybe used to love ur ex once buh now u dnt so its not ur fault things change ppl change and being who u want to be is like tha best u can do coz if u cant be ur self then who tha freak can u be!! in my point of view its ur life and up to u what u wanna do and no one should tell u wat to do dnt make u a bitch makes u who u are im so on ur side and dnt take no shit man. that dude will build his bridge and get over it one day just like everyone else has to do with what they cant have meep!

 

[rukmos]

Who says that LIFE was easy? We all do things that aren't always pleasant or approving by others or ourselves, but that's life.

My advice is to stay true to yourself. LIFE is too short so don't do things that you'll regret later in life.

It's not your fault that the guy tried to kill himself. We're never responsible for other people's life in this situation. All we can do is find the help that's necessary to carry on.

 

[Lionheart]

I don't know you, but based from what you've written in this thread. You seemed to be a skanky, cheap and shallow gurl.
You should listen to your mom more often.

If you were my sister I'd punch you in the lip. But you're not. Then again... if you had a higher authority,
an older brother/sister who knows the tricks of the trade. You wouldn't be this reckless, wild and as stupid as you are now.

So I guess you can call yourself a bitch. Though you shouldn't be proud of it. Its not very flattering. Remember...what comes around, goes around.

There are guys out there that take pleasure in conqering "bitches". Just remember that. Bitches get no mercy
from assholes like myself.

-just my 2 cents

 

[pleang sney]

thanks for all the reply (and Tina , you' re really a nice girl!!)... but actually, i'm really lost... i don't know what i should do....maybe disappear forever?!

the guy try to kill himself again, last monday.. and now the doctors tie him to his bed ...

Today, when i go see him, i was really sad to see his mum crying but only sorry to see him like that... I have no pity for weak people... but i love his mum and respect her that's why i don't want to be harmful to her... the first time he try to kill himself, my mum was asking me why i told his mum to send him to a psychiatric hospital.. and that day, i couldn't say why.... but now, i guess that i did it because i want to see him disappear from my life....if only, i told her that, maybe she won't be so mad at me.. but well, i don't care really, actually....

People who know me, know that i can be heartless when i want ....even with my own family...and i know that i'm dangerous for myself ... but after all the bad things that happened to me, i just know that if i'm not destroying myself, it will be others who will do it... i can't go out without being annoying... sometimes, i just walk in the street and people stop me just because they want to told me how beautiful i am. It's hilarious and unbelievable, right?!...but it happen to me so often that now, even a thanks i don't say it... when it's a old woman or a child who said it, i just smile and when it's a man ( old or young), i just ignore and do like i don't hear anything...my mum is always proud when i'm with her because like i say " my dad and her did a great job!".. but she never understand the way i feel and the weight that it was and still be for me.. she always think that i'm happy like that when the only one thing that i want to do is disfigure myself... i don't need to use make up or something else and i think this is why there are so much girl who don't like me and keep attacking me every time.. it was like a year and half ago, i was in the subway, when there were these 4 girls who attacked me because " i was too pretty for her" and seriously, i really think for the second time in my life that it was my last hour.. and if I only got my jaw break that day, i can say that i was really lucky that there was that man who took is body to make a wall between these girls and me... but i was really depressed after...even go out or being with people was really hard for me ...Like i always say" my body is already weak and i don't need it, that's why my mind have to be strong like a stone"...that's why i never show my feelings to people around me and i always go against my fears...being mean is the only weapon that i can use against that stupid world... i don't want to use the violence like an answer.. and maybe this is a wrong choice that i do.. but at least, no one have to suffer physically...

But this is ironic when i look at my life... because my only wish was to be like other child and now like other people.. but it seemed that i have a curse since the day i was born and it keep following me everytime...maybe i'm complaining too much?!! .. because this is right that i already have the money and the beauty.. what should i need more?!!!


By the way, what mean "skanky ( i'm a stupid girl, i don't understand this word)?!!!

 

[XCappy]

[...]
By the way, what mean "skanky ( i'm a stupid girl, i don't understand this word)?!!!

skanky means slutty if I'm not wrong.

Courage Lily !

 

[KEdoubleNY]

skanky means slutty if I'm not wrong.

Courage Lily !

Wondering where you learn that from Charly ... LoL ...

I didn't read the whole thingy but all I gotta say is ... Life Goes On! B)

OH .. and to that guy that try to commit suicide ... he need to get smacc upside the head. Ain't worth it to die for a girl that don't love you no more.

 

[u00htg2]

Lionheart, how can you be so cruel as to kick someone who's in pain? Haven't you heard the saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"

That was just uneccessary.

 

[Lionheart]

Lionheart, how can you be so cruel as to kick someone who's in pain? Haven't you heard the saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"

That was just uneccessary.

THIS IS THE INTERNET AND IT IS USED AS A FORM OF COMMUNICATION. most of the time, it's going to be friendly. some of the other times, it is not. we can't all have the same opinions. we see things from different point of views. if i can't respond genuinely, then i guess it's ok for me to call you a communist post'er.

I had plenty to say, but i just didn't say it all, so if you think that was harsh, you haven't seen anything yet. erase all the unnecessary BS that pleangsneay typed and you have a girl who willingly lead on two guys. that's a skank and a "bitch" as she claimed herself.

i'm not saying that guys don't do what she does either, but in this case, she happened to be a girl. if it was a guy, i would have said the same thing. what do you want me to say to her...that she is a perfect little angel? she's far from it. im not going to coax my words to make things better. she needs to hear things straight and simple.

OBVIOUSLY, there was something wrong with the guy in the hospital. he's not mentally fit if he tried to kill himself, so for her to come on the internet to flaunt her accomplishments and then try to wield in sympathy just makes her less of a person.

 

[KhoOnxNouxWanxJai]

thanks for all the reply (and Tina , you' re really a nice girl!!)... but actually, i'm really lost... i don't know what i should do....maybe disappear forever?!

awww lilly thanks babes; but my advice would be shake it off; continue to be yourself. Don't blame yourself for another's stupidity. I know it sounds messed up but thats what I did; I picked up and continued with my life the way it was because there's no one worth breaking my sanity over ;]

 

[pbv]

i dont know you but from what i read...you dont really strike my sympathy...

get a grip, break free from all inhibitions including your mother, his mother, everyone..they taught you the morals now interpret it..take everythingn with a grain of salt...listen but make it you, not soak it in word or word...

you're not a bitch, you're lost and reacting...

with that said, be nice but stand up for yourself, and if he kills himself there will be no blame on you unless you continue to treat him harshly...also seperate yourself from him and stop visiting, its not good for him to be reminded of what he cant have..he doesnt strike my sympathy that much either aside from the fact that he's depressed and suicidal..he also needs to get a grip...

and you need to pick stronger men, it seems like you've been dating and messign around with men that are too emotional and unstable and easily swayed by a pretty face...have confidence in your beauty but dont demean yourself by using it ruthlessly...pick a man who finds you beautiful, not just hot...pick one that will match you and ask more from you than just to be a trophy...you sound like a smart girl, make use of it...a real man will want to live for you and make himself worthy, not die for your attention...

i sound a little harsh also but i believe in free will...you have it and so does he...