need advise


sarNie Hatchling
In need of some advise..don't know what to do..i read some of the advises before and i thought that Sarnies give good ones out so i hope u gal and guys could help me.

Here it goes..

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years going on four in feb and we have two kids together, but since we got together i never felt that he ever loved me. It seems that it's always been a one sided thing. Before we got together there was this other girl, she's my friend and i knew he like her but she had a boyfriend. and she didn't have any feeling back towards my bf, so he got with me, everyone said me and my friend look alike, act alike, if he couldn't have her, he as well just have me. for three years i felt that i had always been his second choice, cuz the way he treated me and the way he treated her is so different. he would cater to all her needs, but with me he would just ignore me. before we got together i would see him bring food for her, anything she wanted he would buy for her, he showed her that he was interested, but for me all i see him do is complain. i don't want to sound that i am not confident enough in my relationship with him, but the way he makes me feel, that he doesn't love me. I asked him and he says yes, but the way he says it, no feeling. when i hug him or kiss him he would push me away, i am always the one showing the affection, he never kiss me on the cheeks, never hug me out of the blue. when i asked him why he tells me that he's not one to show. i don't really care if he shows it or not, but once in a while reassure me that you want to be with me, but i never even get it. i know he works hard and when he comes home, he's tired i know that ass well, i am also tired taking care of two kids. a two year and a nine month. he doesn't get that i am tired, he thinks it a piece of cake taking two kids. so when ever i say i'm tired he tells me that i don't do anything but take care of the kids how can i be tired. he makes it seem that he doesn't appreciate me. i try to make his life easy when he comes home. never a kiss hi or how was your day. when he comes home from work he would play with the kids for about 30 to an hour and then he would be in front of a comp or play vdo games. he would ignore me most of the night. three years he hardly talk to me, we only talk when we have too, if we don't have too its just silent. how could u be in a relationship when the other person hardly talk to you or even look at you.

i don't know what to do, i want out. i don't want to be in a one side relationship. but i don't want to break my kids family apart either. their to young, but if i stay i am only hurting myself more.

so confuse.


Wanna-Be เจ้าชู้
These are steps on the checklist that you should do (suggestions).
Confront your man one more time about how this deeply affects you and give him a short period to resolve the issue with you before you open it up to others to help.
If after a weeks time, nothing is resolved take it a step further. He will be upset that you have opened this up further, but you have communicated to him your intentions.

I would open it up to your family and his. I would start with your family first. Keep an open mind and keep your mind on your kids as motivation.

My philosophy and only mine... is that one needs two best friends in life. One is your spouse, the other is your same gender friend. When you are most weak, share your thoughts with your best friend and hope they are supportive and understanding.

If all this fails after given an appropriate amount of time. It will be time to seek a counselor who might offer help and suggestions for both sides. It will only work if both sides are willing.

There are things that you can attempt with your hubby as well. Role reversal helps. One of the things that I have noticed that the feelings you are experiencing is a common theme that occurs in many marriages. I actually have friends who are stay-at-home fathers who experience the same thing. It's rather bizarre because traditionally, one expects the woman to experience these things.

You can negotiate responsibilities with him and level the playing field by seeking outcome outside that would make the argument even. Depends on how far you want to take this.

There are some self-help books on the "LOVE BANK" which might help rekindle the flame if there was a flame. It might be easier to have someone on his side support you vs. you presenting this to him yourself. Sometimes, things are heard when it isn't from the source.

There is a movie as well that may be comforting for you to watch called, "FIREPROOF" staring Kirk Cameron.

Disclaimer, I am not a Christian and while FIREPROOF has Christian themes, I think we can gain something from everything.

Advice is given with a grain of salt and should be used accordingly. I will not be held responsible for any negative outcomes of the actions you take from my post.



sarNie Adult
Wintr....I was there once and it is hard to go through the days feeling like that.

I married my husband without dating him, we just got married...I knew so little about him when we got married and that was a challenge in itself. I have no idea what his personality is like and if it even agree with mine. Needless, to say the first year was HELL. We went through the dating phase instead of the marriage phase and we found out our personality clash.

I know that my husband loves me, because he was the one that asked for my hands in marriage but after we got married his ways of showing makes me speechless. When I was being nice to him he ignored me and when I'm being mean he thinks I'm asking for a fight. I had no idea what to do. We struggle everyday the first few years because we would have these small arguements very often and it got bigger and bigger until it almost blew in our face.

I have two kids as well and is a stay at home mom. I have a 4 year old and a 7 months old. We used to argue often because I complained that I am as tired as he is staying home with the kids. It is a full time job because even if you are sick we can't take off and with a new born it is even harder for sleep to come by.

The key with us is....(we communicate) a lot. When it bothers me I let it be known right then and there. I don't like to keep things bottled up inside for a long time because it does one no good to do so. I make him take a day off here and there to spend time with the family. He takes my oldest son to the movie while I shop at the mall. And once a month he baby sit the kids so I can have a girl's day out.

What we do is, after we put the kids to bed, we have an adult time. We talked about what bothers us and so forth. Before we got to where we are today, we have a lot of one to one talk....No holding back, period.

My husband is a Christian...he said that the first year he almost leave me but he prayed about it and sticking to the marriage was the answer he got. He had to be patient and he took a vow for better or worst. We are married for 10 years now....

My advise is....just be honest to him and tell him exactly how you feel. Everything that bothers you lay it out on the table. If he loves you enough, then he'll be willing to change at least compromise in a way where you don't feel like you are being neglected. After a heart to heart talk give it time to see the progress....Good luck to you OK, I know it's hard especially with kids invloved.


sarNie Adult
Okay, I'm going to be blunt about this so you might want to brace yourself. I don't like to sugar coat anything.
If you were my friend, especially my bff the first thing I'd do is probably slap you and then shake you, and then scream "Wake up woman!!!" that that's out of the way.

Obviously you're unhappy. You're aware of the situation, you notice his actions and behaviors and you obviously know it's not right some how.
You say you want out of the relationship, and I don't blame you. So do it. Yes, you've been together a while, yes, you have kids together but come on it's the 21st century and if you're living in a Western country none of that matters. You tried to make it work, you did your part and it's not working out. There's a time to fight and you did it, now it's time to walk away because he's a lost cause and you deserve so much better. Everyone deserves to be loved and treated with respect, especially from their significant other. If their not giving you the basic human treatment then they don't deserve you. Leave. Move on with your life. I understand that you don't want to break your family up for your children's sake but really, staying in an unhealthy, unloving and uncaring relationship like that will only do more psychological harm to your kids. Parents often forget how observant young children are. You think they don't notice the body language, the way the parents talk to each other or don't talk to each other but they do. That's not the life you want for you kids, eventually that negativity will seep out and spread to your kids too. Do you want your kids to be in that sort of relationship? Unhappy? Because chances are, if they're raised in that type of environment and use to seeing that on a day to day basis, they're going to grow up thinking it's normal and thus when they find themselves in that situation, instead of walking away they'll stay because their mom did and it's "normal". Leave because you want to and because it's the best thing for your kids in the long run. Separations are hard for all couples and kids but it gets better with time. Trust me, I've seen it many times. My parents were never that way but I've seen other couples from my family, friends, etc. go through the same situation.

Ultimately it's up to you. You can do what Merit suggested and talk to him, and I really do mean have a real heart-to-heart conversation and not just a one sided one. Make sure he knows how you're feeling and what you will do if things don't change. He needs to know that you're serious. If he really loves you he'll wake up and start getting his act together, if he doesn't then we'll things will continue as they are. If he loves you, he'll take what you said into consideration, talk to you, really listen and try to improve. After you've tried and nothings changed then well, you're back in that place where you have to decide whether to stay or move on with your life. Good luck.


sarNie Elites
boy, it's so hard being the woman. u just can't help but be the one to give in, right? n in ur case, u felt that there was something wrong before u even "began" with him.

it's time to face what you've been feeling all along. everyone has put in some really great advice, but the best advice is not what is told to you. it's what u already know.

i'm not saying that it is going to be easy to make specific steps. but if u've been feeling "it" (the emptiness and sorrow)...and the opinions u seek clearly identifies the things u feel, then u gotta know it aint just u.

all of one point or another....have come here (to sw) for guidance and advice. n it sounds crazy to think that a bunch of internet strangers are going to be our "guide" and "support", but that's precisely the point. we have places that we turn to. n we put significance in those matter what people say.

however, one place that should be a given without anyone's judgment is that place with the person u choose to make ur life partner. if u find that ur man can't even offer you that, then u know what to do.

ur kids will matter what. show them that there are alternatives in life...some alternatives will seem incorrect...but that's where u tell them about politics and why going against them is okay sometimes. haha

the hardest part will be the walking away...and it usually takes a few tries, but remember that if u value healthy ties (whether it be between you and ur children, you and ur bf, or u getting in touch with yourself again), you will make that transition.


sarNie Hatchling
thank you, i had taken Merits advice and had a heart to heart talk with him, i love him and i don't want to lose him, he told me that he loves me and that he has no one else. but i would always be third in his heart for the first two slot is filled by my kids..he promise he will be more like a hubby now..n i hope he means it..i had given him three years of my life, i hope he can appreciate it, i had promise him that i would be a better wifey..all in all thank you so much for your advices..


sarNie Oldmaid
Wow, your life seems so sad.

Well, because im not in your shoes. I won't understand it fully. But from reading what you wrote, you have two kids with this man. And you knew all along that he used to like one of your friend. Why did you get with him in the first place?

But hey, don't listen to what people have to say. I'm sure when you and your boyfriend got together and decided to have kids. You two were in love.
So now, it's not about you or your boyfriend. You two have kids together. Think about them first. :D

On the other hand, no one lives and understand your life more than yourself, so if you feel that your boyfriend does not love you because he doesn't show any affection at all. Especially when a guy pushes you away when you give them a kiss, that's a sign that they don't want to be with you. or that they are tired of you. *Well at least that's what i think* lol

So, if i was in your shoes. I will my boyfriend for us to separate for a while. Because guys, they don't know what they have until they lose it, maybe that will bring him to some sense. :D Good luck.