This is my first time writing this. Please bear with me. I recently just got into a relationship. (I've been single for 6 years) I'm an older gal. But anyways. I met this guy who is almost 7 years older than me. He got a good job, the perfect guy for me, no kid, and never been married. But the downfall of this is that he is not financially stable even thought he makes a lot of money but it seem like he has nothing to show for and i don't know what he spend on. I think he maybe in debt. I hate to bring in the subject; money but i think in order for a relationship to work we have to talk about financial situation especially if we want to start a family. To me a guy that age should have a goal set up. I'm definately different from him. We both have a good job, and he does make more than me but i have a lots more stuff to show for than he does. I can understand if he spend on jewelry, expensive clothes, etc. But he doesn't have any of that to show for. So therefor i don't know how he spend so much. Well what i'm really getting at is that how can i approach him in talking about money. How he could save and what the future hold? I have a goal set up for myself in buying a house next year but he doesn't seem to care and he's older than me. What should i do? I have mix feeling and have a hard time deciding if i want to be with him. I don't know what i should do. Should i go on and see what happens or should i just let it out and tell him how i fee.
Relationship Help
- Thread starter M. Malia
- Start date
The first rule in dating is... Or so I think it is... Being HONEST with one another... If that is how you really feel and you want to talk to him about it... Go ahead but just kick it around the bush alittle... Don't be going and asking him straite up if he's in debt and etc... But... How long have you two dated... Isnt is too early in the relationship to assume such tho? Just a thought...
Umm... But if you really feel like that, he's just gonna be a burden wen u say you feel he is in debt... Maybe in the next month before approach him on wat's really on ur mind... Watch how he spends his money and on wat... See wat he does... maybe tat mite ease ur mind a bit...
I alwaise felt like u did with my friend too... most paychecks, he was getting car parts for his car... or feeding me... LOL... I was like WHOA... I sometime felt like u did wondering if he was ever in debt cause he was buying things without a second thought... Ebay this... Honda that... airline tickets to visit friends... clubbing here... there... drinking here and there... buying useless electronics... ONLY did I come to realize that after his car was stolen he cashed out 2 cars; an 2006 Accord and 2005 RSX.... That shut me up! HAHA... He bought the 2006 Accord for his mom and the RSX for him...
Guys tend to not show much at first, but get to know them better and slowly they will reveal... NOT all guys are like that tho... Some live day to day and never expect anything... Some actually do have it all planned out but if you really think about it... Does everything really go as planned... Maybe he's that kinda guy... Live life like you may die tonight... who knows... hehe... But date him awhile long if its been a short one, but watch him carefully, just not be all nosey and such... Just see how he will reveal...
If your having mix feelings because of financial problem, are you sure you really into him? Or is it that you been single for so long?
Umm... But if you really feel like that, he's just gonna be a burden wen u say you feel he is in debt... Maybe in the next month before approach him on wat's really on ur mind... Watch how he spends his money and on wat... See wat he does... maybe tat mite ease ur mind a bit...
I alwaise felt like u did with my friend too... most paychecks, he was getting car parts for his car... or feeding me... LOL... I was like WHOA... I sometime felt like u did wondering if he was ever in debt cause he was buying things without a second thought... Ebay this... Honda that... airline tickets to visit friends... clubbing here... there... drinking here and there... buying useless electronics... ONLY did I come to realize that after his car was stolen he cashed out 2 cars; an 2006 Accord and 2005 RSX.... That shut me up! HAHA... He bought the 2006 Accord for his mom and the RSX for him...
Guys tend to not show much at first, but get to know them better and slowly they will reveal... NOT all guys are like that tho... Some live day to day and never expect anything... Some actually do have it all planned out but if you really think about it... Does everything really go as planned... Maybe he's that kinda guy... Live life like you may die tonight... who knows... hehe... But date him awhile long if its been a short one, but watch him carefully, just not be all nosey and such... Just see how he will reveal...
If your having mix feelings because of financial problem, are you sure you really into him? Or is it that you been single for so long?
Thanks for the reply. I care about him a lot. We're both at the age where we do want to settle down. He did mention about getting marry and stuff. At least your boyfriend buy car's parts, etc. This one doesn't have anything to show, i can totally understand if he uses the money to buy materialistic stuff. But from what I observe nothing. He pay cheap rent. I pay double from what he pays. My car payment is double from what he pays. I have more money than he does. That's what i don't understand. I grew up with guys and my family feels that guy should be able to take care of the girl but i felt as if i was the one to take care of him. Just fustrated to see a grown man not have money put away especially the way the economy is now he should have some put away. I know i should give him sometime but he and i are not getting any younger.
Thookatha
sarNie Elites
are you sure he just doesn't have money stashed in a cd or something?
anyways, there's always ways around this money talk. for example, if i were you, i'd make a light-hearted joke about dowry.
find an opportunity and just be like, "hey mister! let's say u plan on making me ur wifey, are u going to be able to afford me?! i'm worth like...at least 50 g's! that's a good chunk of change! so where do u keep ur gold? that's a whole different story." hahaha
btw, i'm pretty sure ur worth more than that, but in a joking manor, that will be fine. LOL
and dependent upon how he takes it is how u continue...
if he doesn't laugh, then rear the conversation and be like, "okay, okay, if u want to be the girl, i can be the dowry dude...how much dowry are u going to be asking? but just to let you know, i make less than u, so don't be all ridiculous with ur price." ahaha
man, i could go on forever, but it is u that has to play off of his reaction and response....you know what i mean?
anyways, there's always ways around this money talk. for example, if i were you, i'd make a light-hearted joke about dowry.
find an opportunity and just be like, "hey mister! let's say u plan on making me ur wifey, are u going to be able to afford me?! i'm worth like...at least 50 g's! that's a good chunk of change! so where do u keep ur gold? that's a whole different story." hahaha
btw, i'm pretty sure ur worth more than that, but in a joking manor, that will be fine. LOL
and dependent upon how he takes it is how u continue...
if he doesn't laugh, then rear the conversation and be like, "okay, okay, if u want to be the girl, i can be the dowry dude...how much dowry are u going to be asking? but just to let you know, i make less than u, so don't be all ridiculous with ur price." ahaha
man, i could go on forever, but it is u that has to play off of his reaction and response....you know what i mean?
KEdoubleNY
sarNie Adult
Dude sound like my older bro. Dude make more then me but can't even afford to help pay the bills around the house. Don't know what he do with all the money he making.
You might wanna be careful with guys that can't handle money. He might be a gambler or a druggie. Or he might be a saver and you don't even know. Just because the guys doesn't spend on nice clothes .... bling bling or drive a nice car ... you can't assume he's broke or in debt. He might have it stash in the bank. But then again ... he might be broke and spend most of his paycheck on drugs or go gamble. Talk to him about it. Guys like a straight-forward girl. Speak ur mind and ask him about his financial situation.
You might wanna be careful with guys that can't handle money. He might be a gambler or a druggie. Or he might be a saver and you don't even know. Just because the guys doesn't spend on nice clothes .... bling bling or drive a nice car ... you can't assume he's broke or in debt. He might have it stash in the bank. But then again ... he might be broke and spend most of his paycheck on drugs or go gamble. Talk to him about it. Guys like a straight-forward girl. Speak ur mind and ask him about his financial situation.
Thanks for the input. I will try to talk to him sometime this weekend. I know its going to be hard for me but i feel as if i don't talk now it might be harder for me to talk later. Especially went deep feelings involve. He is a sweet guy especially he cares alot for me. But i hate to bring up money issue knowing it might stir up controversy. Thanks again so much for your input.
I agree with KEdoubleNY about the red-flags. But if you care more about money then the relationship and he's not a gambler,drinker, and/or druggie, you are gonna lose brownie points.
It's a double edge sword. There are somethings that require class to present the topic of money. If you are soo caught up with money, he might have red flags too about the kind of girl you are.
The beauty of a relationship is that each person compliments the other. Of course, if he spends and you save, I think that's a great match. On the surface, if the love is there... you guys will make a great match. Two stingy people would be disatrous. :^P (half joking, half serious)
However, if he gambles and all that.... you have to be careful. Typical asian men love to gamble. Though I think gambling is okay in moderation and girls need to know or trust their men. So make your assessment and get assistance from people you trust.
But you should be able to detect this if you two are in a serious relationship. If you need time... then get to know his crowd and study that aspect. No one should rush into a long term committment without being sure about the person you are committing too. But if you want to be straightforward about personal finances.... I would be careful. It is a very touchy subject and if you are at the age of serious relationships... I'm not sure you want to be straight forward.
In my personal opinion, straight forward talk about finances is only appropriate when it is family a.k.a. (husband/wife).
So be careful how you ask... I repeat, it can reflect poorly on you as well.
Thanks again for that. I know its a very sensitive aspect in a relationship. I'm not about the money. I've been working hard all my life. But to see a grown man supposely working longer than myself and not have anything to his name, does play an impact on life especially when you want to start a family. He's telling me his credit is bad, he's telling me he just put some money in his 401K. There is a red flag right there. He start working like 8 years before me and why does he start putting his money away now. I'm younger than him (I spend alot, but i also have money invested) yet i have a lot more money put away for retirement. I mean you never know what's going to happen if you don't save. We all could loose our job any day. I know its a very sensitive subject, he wants to have kids and he says i'm the one he wants to settle down. I hate to put money in our relationship but when family gets involve you have to think about it. Especially when you want to buy a house, etc.
BaBeeLaiLai
BaBeeLaiLai
I feel the same way as you do too..my boyfriend doesn't make that much but then he's been working since he was like 15 and til this day doesn't have anything to show for it...other then his car. He's always spending money on stupid car parts. Recently he just bought a JDM front conversion and it costed $1600. I was really pissed. I myself am like you...I got a goal in life. I just recently graduated from a community college, just started working as a medical assistant, and going back to school for my bachelors. Eventually I want to buy a new car and a house and start a family. He on the other hand is still young and playing around w/ no money. We've argued about money multiple times. Money is a big deal to me as well, I told him if he doesn't have money by the time he's 25, I'm leaving him. lolz.
But anyways be careful as well. My friend dated this one dude who claimed to be a lawyer and was making a whole bunch of money. He drove a nice car and supposely was looking for millions dollar houses to buy. My friend and I, along w/ one of his friends went too. Later on his cell phone got shut off and his car was taken away. I guess he told my friend that there were some things going on under his name that there were fraud or something. But it was very suspicious that a lawyer's cell phone gets shut off and car taken away. And this supposely lawyer dude had moved in w/ my friend. Some times later he took her to the bank to open accounts under her name and what not. Later on she found out that he was using checks and stuff under her name. Turns out that he was a con and had been writing multiple fake checks and using her name for stuff, her name is now ruin, but yeah cops came by and he was arrested. My friend was devasted because she fell in love w/ this con.
So yeah just a heads up becareful. Know the person your w/ before you begin to plan a life w/ this man.
But anyways be careful as well. My friend dated this one dude who claimed to be a lawyer and was making a whole bunch of money. He drove a nice car and supposely was looking for millions dollar houses to buy. My friend and I, along w/ one of his friends went too. Later on his cell phone got shut off and his car was taken away. I guess he told my friend that there were some things going on under his name that there were fraud or something. But it was very suspicious that a lawyer's cell phone gets shut off and car taken away. And this supposely lawyer dude had moved in w/ my friend. Some times later he took her to the bank to open accounts under her name and what not. Later on she found out that he was using checks and stuff under her name. Turns out that he was a con and had been writing multiple fake checks and using her name for stuff, her name is now ruin, but yeah cops came by and he was arrested. My friend was devasted because she fell in love w/ this con.
So yeah just a heads up becareful. Know the person your w/ before you begin to plan a life w/ this man.