Trust, Insecurities?

[darvil]

Talking about crotch lock. It reminds me of Robin Hood Men in Tights.

You know someone should do a spoof movie where the guy have a crotch lock and you have all these amazonian type females trying to get a piece of him.

Lets make it Marduk.

 

[noungning]

omg u suckers stop the off topic convos... it was getting all serious then u boys make it foolish just foolish <_< goddam i sound old, ok let's get back to topic.


well, one main problem i have is trust issues. i can't trust anyone, and refuse to give anyone all my trust. hence, the problem i have of meeting anyone and getting to know them, meeting someone new means opening myself to someone and also means enabling myself to get hurt... and what i do, as i tell many people is i leave alot of room for failure, so it doesn't break me.

it's not wrong to question someone, u have all the rights to do so, and especially as a wife... and from people, or even yourself, telling u that everything should be ok, don't listen to the outside whispers... sometimes it's the better thing to do, listen to them, listen to everything, take it and digest the information slowly. if you're curious then get a conversation with ur husband, but if he refuses to do it by saying oh no there's nothing, oh no i don't know them, oh no, what are u talking about etc... then it's time to dig... once in a while it pays off to do some investigation

i was once in a position where my former bestfriend turned on me. she chose her bf over all her friends, and i know exactly how it feels. u being in the position, might feel that u aren't picking sides and being the person u are, but ur friends just leaves u because they don't like ur bf. but sometimes u have to take into consideration, are u making them feel as if they are invisible when they are around u, do u just unknowingly act like the world just revolves around me and my husband, when they are around... some people doesn't like feeling like a 3rd wheel... but i'm not saying that was my situation, my friend, she knowingly chose her bf over everyone... friends and family, she didn't care who else existed in the world but her bf... and lo and behold... they fought and who does she run to? no one else but her friends she once had...and we are always here for her. nothing's ever changed. but once she made up with her bf... she went missing again.

on the other hand, i have a friend who got married. she makes time to see her friends once in a while... shopping, dinners... and etc. nothing's wrong, we're still good friends, she doesn't have to pick between anyone because we all are just fine hanging out together.

hope i don't mess up ur pastel image of life.

 

[KhoOnxNouxWanxJai]

The thing is ning. If I ask him if there's nothing he says nothing, but if he thinks there is something he'll digg and see why I'm asking and how I feel about things. I sometimes feel weird about telling him, "I heard this and this" but I guess he'll have to know or else it'll cause problems..

and my friends? hah me treat them like they are invisible? When my husband and I hang out with them we treat each other like friends. We don't go around holding hands hugging. When we're with friends we're friends that way no one has to feel awkward. I make time for them even on top of school ugh; but lately I've been sick and they can tell! I mean they've been to my house seeing me underneath the blanket and heating pads on my legs and tummy LOL.

I don't know bleh sometimes I don't even feel like it's about us anymore. Maybe they just needed a reason to "quit" being friends with me.

 

[noungning]

well tina, everyone's situation isn't the same. so my example may not in anyway reflect the way u are. i'm just suggesting that this can sometimes be the problem. well my former bestfriend, she didn't go around holding hands with him either... but there are behavioral types of things, and personality changes that were inevitable.

well, if he can get his way by figuring out why u are asking, why can't u get to the bottom of things and figure out if your questioning is a false alarm or something that may be happening behind ur back. u don't want your trust to be taken advantaged of. i'm just speaking from someone who is tired of being used and abused emotionally... and it's straining to be sitting there thinking what if... when it's simple to just take the action and finding out if the person is being truthful or dishonest.

i believe in womenly instincts, and if u think something is wrong... it's not just u, but something has to had triggered it. u say it doesn't bother u much, but u are online telling the whole entire board about it so it is bothering u to some extent. don't worry, there's always some type of solution to everything.

just responding from other replies:

it's true it's a marriage, but a marriage is just a marriage... that's why ppl gets divorced. bounded legally or not, if you are no longer emotionally bonded or someone breaks the bond by cheating, then it's time to sign those papers and move on.

 

[KhoOnxNouxWanxJai]

Yeah true ning, I don't know why it bothers me seriously I don't. I guess maybe i'm in denial about it. I'm so use to being confident in him and so use to not really having a problem with him that when it comes time I have a hard time trying to accept it. I want to I guess, but I don't want him to think that I'm leaving that trust zone? Sounds stupid I know. It's hard cause I'm sitting here debating whether I should risk maybe there is something going on and maybe there isn't then have him start doubting my feelings for him or trust in him.

Yeah Ning I know what you mean about the friends things every situation is different I was just responding on how mines was. My friends I seriously don't want to make it sound like I'm siding with Tim, but it's like they never even really gave him a chance to get to know him. I've straight out told them, "He's my husband now and nothing can change that. You guys are my friends and I don't want to have to choose. If you guys give me a good enough reason to why and what your putting me through." Yet they still have given me any reasons at all. One day everything was fine then the next day everyone decided "we don't like tim."

Honestly I think it bothers me because well there is a certain reason why lol, but I don't know if I can talk about that yet. Also I'm use to thinking just about myself, but now I have to think for two consider his feelings and mines so it makes it more difficult I guess... bleh;

and thanks ning for your response. I prefer your response over "aww it's going to be ok just hang in there." LOL I hate those type of responses. and everyone else gave good feedback also ^__O x3

and sorry to bore you guys with my personal life. Well I guess it isn't so personal anymore? LOL

 

[marduk]

First off Darv, I'm pretty sure a movie with that plot has been made a couple of times. I saw that idea in a porno or two...

Anyway Ning, we guys make it "light" because well, we don't really see the big deal. Here's the difference played out for you:


**Girl Scenario**

(Girl 1's dog just ran away, her baby's daddy ain't coming back, and she has a huge pimple)

Girl 2 (upon seeing Girl 1): Aww Girl 1, you don't seem too good. Is everything ok?
Girl 1: It's just a couple of stuff. It's nothing big really. (Girl 1 gives sad look to try to make Girl 2 follow up with more questions)

Girl 2: Are you sure? Let's talk about it.
Girl 1: Ok...if you really want to. So the other day, blah blah blah blah blah blah...



**Guy Scenario**

(Guy 1 has to pay the bills because he knocked up some chick but he's completely broke. On top of that, his dad recently just passed away and he lost his job.)

Guy 1: Yo man, whatchu up to?
Guy 2: Nothing. Why? What's up?

Guy 1: I'm just bored. Imma come over to chill all right?
Guy 2: Cool.

Guy 2 (upon seeing Guy 1 and noticing something is probably wrong): Yo man, what's up?
Guy 1: Not much. Just one of dem days...

Guy 2: Cool. Wanna play some Madden on the PS3? It has some sick graphics man.
Guy 1: Yeah sure. That sounds awesome!

Bam! That's the difference between guys and girls. NOTICE also that girls try to use that ridiculous look at guys too when they want guys to ask more questions. Most guys do notice when things are wrong. HOWEVER, if a guy asked once and you said "nothing's wrong", he's not going to want to play the guessing game anymore. Girls will continue. Guys will stop...at least, I know I will.

Anyway, this isn't meant to take anything from Tina's thread. I'm just explaining why guys will probably joke more when it's about something like this.

So...imma go play some Madden now. It's sick.

<------------hint hint (send me cookies to make me feel better).

 

[noungning]

ok well ur example might be too lightly taken dude... his father dies but he goes to his friends house to chill and play games...?

if he's not a jerk, then i don't know if he's mentally ill.

right, some people [males] like to change the mood and joke around... that is something good for some instances... but it doesn't work with everyone, hence some [males] commit those tragic killing sprees because they were taken lightly and when they really needed some conforting... their 'friends' comforted them with playing 'madden'.

doing that just runs from the problem.

and i agree, i feel the same, if i ask if something's wrong and they say nothing... i don't bother to ask again... personally, i find it annoying when people ask me if something's wrong and i say no, but they insist on asking again and again. i guess the intention is great, but i get annoyed. so i don't do it to others either.

 

[marduk]

ok well ur example might be too lightly taken dude... his father dies but he goes to his friends house to chill and play games...?

if he's not a jerk, then i don't know if he's mentally ill.

right, some people [males] like to change the mood and joke around... that is something good for some instances... but it doesn't work with everyone, hence some [males] commit those tragic killing sprees because they were taken lightly and when they really needed some conforting... their 'friends' comforted them with playing 'madden'.

doing that just runs from the problem.

and i agree, i feel the same, if i ask if something's wrong and they say nothing... i don't bother to ask again... personally, i find it annoying when people ask me if something's wrong and i say no, but they insist on asking again and again. i guess the intention is great, but i get annoyed. so i don't do it to others either.

Right. Male commit killing sprees but who is it again that kill their kids in the bathtubs?

 

[noungning]

Right. Male commit killing sprees but who is it again that kill their kids in the bathtubs?

ever heard of postpardum depression? this is one of the major causes for mom's to behave in such a cruel demeanor. <_<

 

[marduk]

ever heard of postpardum depression? this is one of the major causes for mom's to behave in such a cruel demeanor. <_<

PPD can be a factor up to a year after childbirth. However, if you look at many such cases that involved what I wrote, it is usually done when the last child is more than a year old. Thus, PPD can't really be a factor. However, there have been some cases where people attributed to PPD however, it was a mistake. Below is such a case:

After the National Organization for Women (NOW) insisted that Andrea Yates had postpartum depression, the Individualist Feminists of Ifeminist.com pointed out that postpartum depression is quite common and that most sufferers do not murder their children. In fact, Yates suffered from postnatal psychosis. After Ifeminist.com pointed out that this stigmatized a large number of mothers and made them less likely to seek professional help, NOW removed their claims from their official website. Some believe that Yates' fundamentalist church bears some responsibility for the murder, as the church allegedly urged her to ignore her psychiatrist's orders. Yates methodically drowned her children in a bathtub in her Clear Lake City, Houston, Texas house on June 20, 2001.


So in short and crude words, that chick was bonkers. It also probably did not help that her church told her to ignore her psychiatrist (Go Tom Cruise Go!). Anyway, earlier, you attributed killing sprees to guys essentially not "letting their emotions out." Even though you didn't say that outright, that was implicit. I think that's total bullshit and to say that guys go on these killing sprees because no one listens to them is a cop out way of saying guys should be more forthright with their feelings. First off, most of the guys involved with these killings from Columbine to the Virginia Tech guy are mostly solitary types. It's different than me talking about guys who just joke around together instead of talking about their feelings. These guys I talk about are social to each other, although they might repress their emotions.

As to the father thing, I am wrong in making the broad generalization to all guys. However, the two cases that I have been around where the guy's father did pass away did go along that line. My two friends didn't really want to talk about it nor did they want to cry in front of me. I found that they felt much better to just avoid it and do something to get their mind off of it nor do they want it brought up. Those were my observations from what I know so I guess it's not scientific enough to make a broad generalization about all guys from that. I'm sure there are some who like to cry it out.

But yeah, PPD is a factor sometimes, but it's not a major factor for moms who went bonkers. PPD is usually not to the point of killing, but it could enhance other neuroses that women might have already such as bipolarism or paranoia.

And yes, we are way off topic. Sorry Tina.

 

[KhoOnxNouxWanxJai]

It's ok I'm over my dilemma hahaha and as long as theres an active discussion or debate it doesn't matter right?

 

[noungning]

So in short and crude words, that chick was bonkers. It also probably did not help that her church told her to ignore her psychiatrist (Go Tom Cruise Go!). Anyway, earlier, you attributed killing sprees to guys essentially not "letting their emotions out." Even though you didn't say that outright, that was implicit. I think that's total bullshit and to say that guys go on these killing sprees because no one listens to them is a cop out way of saying guys should be more forthright with their feelings. First off, most of the guys involved with these killings from Columbine to the Virginia Tech guy are mostly solitary types. It's different than me talking about guys who just joke around together instead of talking about their feelings. These guys I talk about are social to each other, although they might repress their emotions.

yeah and they try to avoid being emo with their guy friends so they can remain macho and have the 'man' reputation... <_<

i'm not just saying columbine or vt, i'm thinking of a majority of the killings that occur. a majority of which are from males, and yes i'm generalizing also by saying they don't have anyone to console, so they go out and kill people. but i'm just saying... joking and trying to make this a funny matter only works with some, in which u made it sound like all at first, until the clarification... i hang, primarily, around males, i have about 2 girl friends and i hang around them about 3 times a year at max.

...for one, i see it that the guys will try to be holding their feelings back, and being 'manly' in front of others when something is wrong... and try to turn to me... when those other guys aren't around and actually want to sit down and talk.

again, i just think shoving the problem away... 'relaxing' and getting ur mind off something by playing games... it's an instant cure like drinking alcohol and having the problem go away for a few hours... but then it just comes back... so y not just direct them as they come, so they can move out of the way? instead of blocking it and letting it pile... so one day it'd just explode because the border can't be held back anylonger?

while i respect those that don't like to console anyone of their problems, because i'm like that also... just until i can no longer take it, then i need someone to talk to.

ok tina, u can have ur thread back.

 

[KEdoubleNY]

It's an obstacle that every couple goes through. Should I trust him/her? Should I believe? Should I? ... If you question one another than insecurity will come into play and that's when everything go down-hill.

The obstacle in this situation is not about your insecurity or the trust in both of you ... but its the third/fourth/fifth person in the picture. Seem like everybody is saying this and that to you that's making you think. You can choose to believe it or not but in the end ... one of it gonna have a happy ending and the other ... a not so happy ending.

My advices to you would be ... listen with the left ear and let the things you don't want to hear exit the right ear. Communication is always the best option, so sit down and talk to him and ask him about things you not so-clear about. But don't nag on the same subject every time you talk because than he will feel you don't trust him.