What Do you think? (Multiple problems)


sarNie Adult
These are just complex issues that I just need to get off my chest and let go. Honestly, these issues has been affecting me for way too long.

First Issue:
So I have a friend of mine, we're super close, and has known each other for 10 years. We're in our first year of college. She seems to need my help a lot, which worries me. And whenever she needs help, she only asks me and not her family. I know that this is probably an honor, for her trusting in me to be able to help her. At first, she only ask me for some things, but now, she always comes to me first, before her family. I think this is a problem.

Being college students, we have to file for FASFA, and last school year (senior year), we were supposed to file ours by March 2, but somehow she did complete it but doesn't have parent signature on it. I asked her if she asked her older siblings, and she told she did. I'm not her family member so I would not know anything about her parents' FASFA accounts. Also, for other things that she needed help on, I ask her if she asked for help from her siblings, she always said "yes" or "They won't help me anyway".

I just talked with her older sister today and she told me that my friend never ask for their help and always comes to me. She doesn't listen to them as well. I felt a bit embarrassed I guess. Do you think that by helping her too much, I'm tearing her away from her family?

Second Issue:
Okay, this relates to the Issue #1 as well. Well, a I mentioned, I helped this friend a lot. I honestly feel like I'm babying her. She probably has faced hardships in life, but she doesn't really reflect on them. She makes a mistake, and move on, and keeps making the same mistakes. She doesn't think very deeply either, like she speaks before she thinks, which worries me.

She is a girl of high dreams and goals. She wants to be a surgeon in the future, but I think this is problematic because she wants to be one with the wrong reasons. (Someone at the hospital told her she have "steady" hands). I don't think that just because someone told you that means you should become something. I asked her why she wanted to become one and she told me she doesn't know. I also asked her if she wanted to help people, and she reply "no". I asked her why, but she gets angry and gave me the silent treatment every time I bring it up. Or she change topics whenever I ask uncomfortable things like "Why a surgeon?" or other in-depth thinking questions that requires reasoning.

I just feel that she's not being mature and reasonable enough. As a friend, I can't just drop her. But what can I do, that is better? She doesn't help me with academics, but she's has been there for me in times of need.

I guess it's a bit of my fault for sugar-coating things for her, but now I kind of just realize to let her make mistakes and hope she learns, because so far, she hasn't. However, we're becoming adults. She'll have to fend for herself, because I won't always be there for her. We don't even go to the same college.

Do you think I'm too selfish doing this to her? Do you think it's selfish to do my own thing and let her do her own thing?

Third Issue:
We're both pre-med students. She's going to a college with less opportunities and I'm going to school with more opportunities. I feel bad for having so much opportunities and she doesn't. I don't even know why, because this was the work we put in high school (taking AP classes, summer school, challenging courses, completing A-G, scoring good on SAT/ACT, meeting deadlines, getting good grades/GPA)(She didn't do much of those, while I did). I find that I'm mostly trying to help her find experiences and advisors to talk to (eg, researching for them). I even have to remind her at times to make appointments, which I don't even think this is my job.

Should I just shut my mouth from now on, and let her do her own research, instead of researching for her?

Honestly, when I find things, I immediately think of her and how she can join in. I feel like college should be my time, but I'm tied back from all these obligations. I even start feeling that she was an obligation that I don't want anymore. She's not a bad friend, but she's just not meeting her end of the bargain with the dreams/goal she makes.

To be honest, I just want to let her go and do things on her own. If she wants to or do it, she does it, but if she doesn't, then she doesn't. But I don't know why I feel a sense of responsibility towards her or that I own her something (which I don't even think I do, I'm just trying to be a good friend).

Honestly, I have so much emotions all packed inside so tightly now, so many voices telling me what to do. I'm just so confuse and lost...

Any thoughts/suggestions help, just try to be polite. :)


sarNie OldFart
I think its time to give her some tough love. I know you feel the need to help your friend out but always helping her and letting her depend on you so much will be a bad thing for her in the long run. she won't know how to be independent and will be in for a rude awakening in the real world! she can't always have someone baby her. about the surgeon thing, i think its good that you are questioning her about why she wants to be one. she obviously is in it for the wrong reasons. however if you've brought up the topic a lot and she still gets upset, let her deal with it on her own. She doesn't seem to appreciate you helping her out so just leave it at that. she will realize it on her own hopefully and if she doesn't, its nobody else's fault but her own. and don't feel guilty about you having more opportunities than her. you worked harder than her so its only natural love! its nice of you to be looking out for her but at this stage of your friends life, she needs to learn how to do things on her own. i feel like she may be is taking advantage of you. It might not be purposefully but subconsciously since she knows you are always there to help out. all in all i thing you should be a bit less generous with her and give her some tough love. she is an adult and needs to act like one


Staff member
Have you ever heard the expression, "Your toughest friend is actually the one who wants you to succeed most?" You're a good friend and I don't think you're either wrong or right because you are just being a good friend. However, if you think about it, what happens when you get into medical school? You will not be able to hold her hand in the real assignments, you will not be able to hold her hand in residency, you will not be able to hold her hand while working as a physician. Start by telling her to try first. Give her pointers on how to start, example, "You should try looking in the encyclopedia or etc."
Don't feel guilty if you end up do just going cold turkey dropping her for a bit, you're doing it for her own good. You're teaching her how to stand on her own.

Think of this way, everyone's life is constantly moving. Say, tomorrow you got an opportunity to go out of the country and far away from her. How will she handle you leaving so abruptly? Slowly start to teach her to stand on her own or cold turkey make her, both are good options. Just remember that you need to allow her to live without you.