What is an old gal to do?

iheartchakrit

sarNie Juvenile
This is the first time I've posted in this section. Whenever I have time to log on I usually head straight to the Thai Forum, but since it's been a bit quiet at work today I decided to explore around. I have to say a lot of your advise are really good. I did notice that most of the topics are geared toward young love so here's a question for the older peeps here:

A few years ago my friend packed up her stuff and moved across country to be with her bf. Well, things haven't exactly turns out the way she hoped. She now finds herself missing home a lot, being in a place she can't relate to and in a relationship that's not doing so great. Of course the most logic answer is for her to return home, but the problem is her bf is not willing to relocate (as she did for him!). Now before you guys say..WHO CARES JUST LEAVE THAT BASTARD (haha those are my own words actually), please consider this..she is 29 year's old about to turn 30 in a few months and desperately wants to start a family..So all that advise on plenty of fish in the sea or waiting for Mr. Right to come along can't really apply to her since that biological clock ain't willing to stop and wait around. So what would you guy's suggest? Should she just leave or stick it out and hope for the best since it seems so hard to meet someone at this age.

Another question that relates to this is how does a girl in that age range find a guy that's willing to commit. I don't know about your area but in my neck of the woods most single guys my age don't care to settle down. They're still looking to have fun and usally tend to date the younger girls. Also, are the online dating sites the only place to find someone now a days? :huh:
 

7270

7270
hm... I actually have to think about this one, since I think there are a lot of questions in that little paragraph. :huh:

how long has she been there? if not too long, i'd suggest for her to stay longer and give the place a shot. hit some spots and make new friends.

when you say the relationship isn't going too well, what do you mean? that's such a warning sign. i don't care if she's hitting 60. if this person isn't the "best" person for her, she should walk. i'm not saying when there's a problem in a relationship, everyone should break up though. whatever problems exist now will exist in marriage. they're not going to disappear.

she should not want to be in a relationship just because she is getting older. that's just wrong. :lol: she should only be in relationship, because she found someone she wants to share her life with regardless of what age she's hitting. if she hasn't found that person, she should forego a relationship for the time being.

i'm going to turn 25. and damn right, i'm not looking for a serious relationship. :lol: i used to have a crush on a woman almost hitting 40. so guys being just interested in young girls is your own self-limiting belief. :p with that belief, you're probably acting in ways to reject yourself before the dude can. shame. shame. so please, change your thoughts for the sake of all dudes everywhere. :D

online isn't the only place to find someone. you find them everywhere. hard to miss really. and finding a guy willing to commit is not really hard, but it is hard if you're trying to find one who will commit after 1 date with you. :eek: kidding. but how long do you give guys a chance before thinking they're not willing to commit?
 

iheartchakrit

sarNie Juvenile
Aww you sounds like a really cool guy 7270, but yes I agree with you she shouldn't continue on with the relationship if she doesn't feel right. She's been living there for about 2 years and has been with her bf for about 8 years, I think it's hard on her b/c they've been together for so long and she really felt like he was the one, but I guess reality hit once she moved in with him. I really don't know what to say sometimes b/c when she calls me complaining or crying about a fight they have I give her my honest opinion and tell her to just forget about him and to come back but then she'll blame me for being negative and that it's not as easy..the fact that they've been together for awhile she can't imagine starting back at 1 and having to deal with the whole dating process..wasting your time with the wrong guy while looking for the right guy and then once you've finally met the right guy..you have to take more time to let the relationship progress into something serious and by then she'll be like 40 and can't have kids lol Yea I get headaches after talking to her. I've known this girl for the longest and it's always been her dream to have a big family, her goal was to be married at 25 and considering she's about to turn 30, it's totally killing her inside.
 

Thookatha

sarNie Elites
7270 said EXACTLY what i was thinking. there are definitely many questions that conjure from what you've written. however, i'm just going to work with what you've got here. haha

i am an aging sarnie myself, so i know how your friend feels. it's natural for her to get all scared/anxious around this age. the idea of girls settling down has always been painted into a simple criteria which seems almost dreamy for even guys (although they are less likely to face it). but for us girls, it's a nightmare, a contamination of expectations deflected from society (all societies). perhaps that's why relationships don't last anymore. i mean, you've got all sorts of temptations around you now...good and bad, yet the idea of the perfect young lady having a family and raising her family still floats in the air.

if your friend is with a guy who is willing to communicate, she might still have a chance, because a part, if not all, of her loneliness and sullenness is HIS lack of support...just as much as it is her inability to get him to understand. it's not that he is completely closed to all reasoning. it's that both of them saw each other in a different light, and didn't know how to deal with it. or else your friend wouldn't have stayed with him for 8 years, but then freak out after having lived with him for only two years.

things will get more complicated as time passes, so tell your friend NOT to get comfortable with what she thinks is the last resort. she's gotta understand that after that long, she might mistake true love and stability with comfort. that's why she found out the hard way when they moved in together. she knows him but it's like she doesn't know him. so the question really is "does she have enough patience to get through to him and ultimately deal with him if he still cannot compromise with her?" vice versa...

human beings have always been complex creatures, but we need to take our natural course. what may seem like the ideal thing to do at a certain time may not truly reflect how we feel and how much we've understood life....let along share it with someone else!!

therefore, everything that is advised to the "younger crowd" applies to us "older" people too. and you know what, because we are in a time where not only human beings are complex, but the things around us are too, it's much easier to NOT challenge a fixed idea like "settling down in your twenties" than to drop a decade of being together. BEING with someone for 10 years does not always beat LIVING with someone for one month. that seems to be your friend's case even though my statement is a little exaggerated. does she want to chance having kids right now?
 

7270

7270
does she want to chance having kids right now?
seriously. :ph34r:

my parents got divorced, when I turned 18. So they were together for 16 yrs. No. My math's not messed up. :lol: if they can break up in their 40s and with kids, your friend can also break up now, if the relationship is really rocky.

you don't really get to know a person when you're first dating them. you really get to know them, when you're living with them 24/7 and your guards are down. no one's on good behavior 24/7 anymore. that's when the aliens come out. :p

anyway, your friend and every girl deserves the best. she should know what she wants to a "T" and live by it. she should never settle, b/c she's scared. she should pursue her dreams (having a big family? damn. scary. :lol:) till the day she dies. or else life will suck if she settles for less than. it goes for everything in her life. not just relationships.

and if she still whines and cries to you after you've given her advice, i say change the damn subject! i don't care if she cries about you not being a good friend or whatever. you're doing her a favor by not indulging her whims. i know you don't want anyone to say anything negative about your friend, but she's a big girl now. she has to live by her choice. if she's not satisfied, she should do something about it, not spend her time whining. she says she's old. she could die tomorrow. :eek:
 

lady0fdarkness

Professional Lakorn Watcher
hello.. this thread called for oldies... well, here I am.

I'm 30!!!
 

ijohn

sarNie Adult
thoughts of love and dreams still fought for are like a gambling addiction: you know when you are down in bets you placed on the table and you feel a loosing hand is in your future and you still wager more heart even when you know your already in debt with time, you just think "if i just place one more bet i'll win", life sucks to be cought in the throws of an addiction to an idea, be it love, or dream and not know when to walk away for all your heart spent and coming up a short to have dream or love, or what ever. sometimes hurt in an end brought with pain teaches us to compromise and modify our dreams with new wishes.

advice to your gambler friend with life; don't spend ideas and dream you only can share with yourself with spent tears, and don't create a situation that your instincts tell you is not right. sometimes our dreams are just that our own. finding what you want often requires sacrifice so be sure your heart can endure change as time sets with age you are willing to share with someone else.
 

menchukelly

sarNie Juvenile
seriously. :ph34r:

my parents got divorced, when I turned 18. So they were together for 16 yrs. No. My math's not messed up. :lol: if they can break up in their 40s and with kids, your friend can also break up now, if the relationship is really rocky.

you don't really get to know a person when you're first dating them. you really get to know them, when you're living with them 24/7 and your guards are down. no one's on good behavior 24/7 anymore. that's when the aliens come out. :p

anyway, your friend and every girl deserves the best. she should know what she wants to a "T" and live by it. she should never settle, b/c she's scared. she should pursue her dreams (having a big family? damn. scary. :lol: ) till the day she dies. or else life will suck if she settles for less than. it goes for everything in her life. not just relationships.

and if she still whines and cries to you after you've given her advice, i say change the damn subject! i don't care if she cries about you not being a good friend or whatever. you're doing her a favor by not indulging her whims. i know you don't want anyone to say anything negative about your friend, but she's a big girl now. she has to live by her choice. if she's not satisfied, she should do something about it, not spend her time whining. she says she's old. she could die tomorrow. :eek:
7270,are you angry? lol...just kidding...But you're definitely right! She's a full-grown woman,with her age,I think she's got the maturity to know what's best for her.She's no longer a teen-ager who needs to be given advice.No offense meant.
 

Liberty

sarNie Adult
Sounds like if she wants a man to commit she needs to really find someone else.
For a relationship to work there needs to be a compromise and if her bf is willing to do the same for her than she needs to reevaluate her relationship.
I don't understand the fascination many women have with getting married and having children by a certain age. There are things you can control and things you can't. If you want a relationship with love you'll have to wait until it happens and even then relationships take work.
If you just want the marriage and kids than why bother finding a real mate? Just pick some random guy to marry you. I know it sounds harsh but that's the reality. You can't put love into a time frame things will happen when they will.

I can understand being homesick when you're away from people and places you're familiar with, it's natural to feel that way. How long as she been there? If she honestly gave it a good six months to settle in and get use to it and she's still not happy she should try talking to her boyfriend about it. The key to any good relationship is communication. She made her choice to move with him but that doesn't necessarily mean that he'd be willing to do the same for her, that was something she should've discussed with him before picking up and moving away.

If she's only been there a couple of months she should try waiting it out longer and see how things go. When I first moved away it was hard, I was completely alone but I fought the urge to run home because I'm a grown woman. After six months I got settled in and got use to the idea of being in a new place around new people. Things got better.

But yeah, aside from everything that I've mentioned already she and her boyfriend need to have a long discussion about where their relationship is headed and figure out whether or not they want the same things.

30 is not old. More women are settling down later in life now a days. Hell, my cousin is 30 now, she's successful, in a committed relationship, lives with her boyfriend but chooses not to get married because she's not ready.

ETA: I just read the other responses. If she's unhappy she should just leave. Getting married and having kids with someone that you're unhappy in a relationship with will not fix anything, it would only make things worse.

Marriage should never be rushed into.
 

noungning

Heartless
[...]she should not want to be in a relationship just because she is getting older. [...]
i agree with u again # dude. u are one that thinks almost as cool as me hahaha.

[...]ETA: I just read the other responses. If she's unhappy she should just leave. Getting married and having kids with someone that you're unhappy in a relationship with will not fix anything, it would only make things worse.
[...]
no, and it makes those kids' life hell, not only u mess up ur own life, u mess up another person's life that had NOTHING to do with the BS.

...

i personally feel the same way about living with someone before marrying them. i call it testing the waters. ;)

u'd never know how someone truly is until you live with them. my friends whom have been legally married and are functionally happy have tested months if not years living together before marriage. and if u're not sure, then hey there's nothing to really lose.

with this day and age, biological clock means shit. really, if she is that scared, she can freeze up her eggs. besides the fact that even if it isn't her biological clock, it doesn't necessarily mean all females are sucessful with conceiving their own child. there are many technologies that she can rely on.

i don't think a guy is ever ready to settle down. nonetheless, i don't think i'd ever be ready to marry someone myself, oh and i'm female by the way. i really love my single life and mentally i'm not ready for another responsibility. however, for a guy, it's more on their mind, marriage can mean so many things to them... lost of freedom because u might make and take ownership of their life, financial obligations-ur money is my money, family inputs. in the end, if the guy really is sincere, he'd at least get some input from his family/friends of compatibility. again, marriage sure is about u and me, but when u are really into it, u are also marrying their friends, their family and much more than 1 person.

sure everyone needs a companion to not feel alone. but it seems like your friend might've thought a relationship is just u and me until she moved away with him and now it's just u me and ur side of the family (since they moved with his family right?). so she feels home sick. if they can't work something out to reach a medium after dating for 8 years, i think there has got to be something wrong.
 

Merit

sarNie Adult
They have dated 8 years within those 8 years has marriage or kids enter the conversation? It seemed like she's wanting all of these but does he? If he isn't willing to compromise considering she has made the sacrafice for the relationship and move in with him, then there's something wrong between the line. And if they have talked about the issues and he's putting it off and does not care to even give it a thought then she should know the answer. Regardless of the years, if he's not willing then there is not much she could do. She will only be miserable and not long she'll resent the relationship.

Knowing one truly is tricky. People that married for 10 or 20 years still might not know the true person that's why we have people get divorce that are married for 15-20 years. Your friend needs to do what makes her happy because in the end that's the ultimate goal being happy. If she have given significant time with him and still see no progress, she need to do a lot of thinking. Letting go is hard, but spending your life with someone who doesn't truly love you is even harder.
 
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