Dirty jokes/Funny rhymes

C

cutefuzzy

maplestory addict xD
hanjieun30 said:
that's so funny!!! :loool:

here's one...

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

------------------
naughty santa! :lol:
Click to expand...
lmao...naughty santa..man..how many "good girls" or maybe "good boys" have santa did that LMAO

hanjieun30 said:
another one...

This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"
Click to expand...
lol .. don, dirty as it may be.. it cracked me up.. lol..throw granpa in jail!

ohitsnoyyy said:
:lol:

I got one!

If your left leg is thanksgiving & your right leg is Christmas, can i visit you between holidays???
Click to expand...
lmaooo
 
C

cutefuzzy

maplestory addict xD
ok here .. i got another one lol ..

---

One day this hippie gets on a bus full of nuns. He sits down next to this one nun and hits on her. She slaps him and moves to the back of the bus. The hippie went and explained what happened to the bus driver.

Bus Driver: I happen to know that that certian nun gets off the bus every night at 7 o'clock at the cemetary.

Hippie: How is that going to help me get with her?

Bus Driver: Well, you could wait there for her disguised as God. When she gets off of the bus, command her to have sex with you.

Hippie: Good idea. So that night the hippie waited at the cemetary. At 7 o'clock the nun got off the bus.

Hippie: This is God. I command you to have sex with me.

Nun: Alright, but can you do me up the ass so I will still be a virgin? The hippie agreed and when he was finished he took off his disguise.

Hippie: Ha ha, I'm the hippie!

Nun: Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!
 
I

*Ice*

sarNie Adult
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
 
I

*Ice*

sarNie Adult
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
 
O

OK_na_tur

sarNie Juvenile
haha omg!! these are so funny!! that grandpa one was yucky!!

bus driver one was funnay and the docter getting owned.
 
H

hanjieun30

sarNie OldFart
no more grandpa jokes from me then... :lol:

ok here's one...

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third woman, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies?".....
 
H

hanjieun30

sarNie OldFart
another one...

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.

So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
 
H

hanjieun30

sarNie OldFart
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?
 
Grudgeprincess

Grudgeprincess

JLR FEVER
haahahahha omfg wow those deff made me and my friend laugh. alot. ahhahaa. like alotttt. that grandpa one was wrong but funny haahahhaahhahahhah that was like my friends favorite one just b/c he's weird like taht ahah
 
C

cutefuzzy

maplestory addict xD
icebkk said:
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Click to expand...

hanjieun30 said:
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?
Click to expand...

OMFG donna...those 2 crack me up :loool:
 
C

cutefuzzy

maplestory addict xD
here's mine ..

---

A man went to his doctor to have his penis examined because it was hurting. After a thorough examination, the doctor told the patient: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first," replied the patient.

"The good news," said the doctor, "is that we won't have to cut it off."

"Thank God," replied the patient. "Then what's the bad news?"

"It'll fall off by itself in a few days" replied the doctor.
 
sueliq

sueliq

sarNie Hatchling
Wow these are some funny posts..

I got one..

A mexican man was trying to cross the border. He almost made it when a border patrol got him.

MexMan( In Spanish).. Officer I am a U.S citizen. I am only walking across cause my car ran out of gas.

Officer( In Spanish).. Oh really! If you're a citizen, put these two words in an English sentence: LIver and Cheese

MM.. oh that's easy..>>> LIVER alone, CHEESE my sister.


another one... same concept

Officer: Put Green, Pink, and Yellow in a sentence

MM: The phone goes green green green, I pink up the phone and say YELLOW!

HAHAHA
 
Grudgeprincess

Grudgeprincess

JLR FEVER
ok i remember this one now.

if i had a rooster and you had a donkey. and your donkey ate my rooster. what would we have?

2 feet of cock in an ass.



hah. now you all entertain me =D
 
Grudgeprincess

Grudgeprincess

JLR FEVER
ok whats the difference between a drunk and a pothead?

A drunk drives through a stop sign
A stoner waits for it to turn green



hah. owned =D
 
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